AWKS: We Ranked ‘The Bachelor’ Ladies On Whose Fam Is The Most Bonkers
Wham. Bam. Meet the fam.
It’s home dates tyyyyme, and Matty J was put through the ringer this season. Did he deserve it? Well, if you can recall his sister’s treatment of Georgia Love during home visits… then yep. Yep, he did.
From the Gold Coast to Melbourne (aka faux Netherlands), South Australia to Sydney, Matty embarked on a journey across Oz to mingle with his potential in-laws and it was carnage.
Here’s how we ranked the ladies’ fams, from most bonkers to least:
This entire date was a fucking disaster. Quick Q: does Florence hate Matty? Quick A: yup.From the moment Matty and Flo walked into her friend’s place, she ditched ol’ bachy, even trying to stop his clingy hand-holding, demanding “Let go of my hand. It’s okay”.
‘Don’t touch me you creep. Here, touch this shiny surface instead. Look! Shiny!’
Next up, Matty was forced to talk to Flo’s bestie Marlie.
Again, does Florence hate Matty??? Her friend certainly does. She harped on non-stop about Matty being a total loser for going on such a lame dating show.
‘Hello down there simple peasant. You will clean my Dutch feet and call me QUEEN’
Matty was lost for words. Did Florence not enter the same dating comp he did? Was this a Dutch interrogation technique? Why did this blonde woman hate him? Is she single, cos BABE alert?
‘You may have heard…I have a thing for blondes’
We had high hopes for Tara’s date but her bro Troy went and destroyed everything by being a bit of a tool to our bachy. He put Matty under the microscope, prying into which girl he will choose in the end. Err, it doesn’t work that way m8. That’s next week. Check your TV guide.
Troy and Matty (and some other guy who stands in silence) go and have a solo chat. Troy orders Matty to pick Tara.
‘She’s one in a million, my siss. You will choose her… or else…’
They bark at each other back and fourth like rabbid kelpies exerting their masculinity through canine sound bites. Matty looks uncomfortable and tries to lighten the mood.
‘So I really like your backwards hat. Super cool, my man. Super cool.’
Troy is not convinced. Matty finally bites the bullet and tells the truth.
He confesses that backwards hats aren’t cool. This pushes the brother over the edge.
This fam bam date didn’t go too terribly. Elise did warn that her mum had the devil on her shoulder. I guess this an expression her fam uses and not a serious threat that her mum’s shoulder is inhabited by the spawn of satan. Lol, totes devil shoulder. Cute!
Anyways, turns out her mum is part evil and she expresses this through dissing Matty’s mashed potato technique. She doesn’t trust him with her potatoes or with her real life potato she carried for 9 months inside her: Elise.
‘GO DATE ANOTHER POTATO!! SHE’S MY POTATO!’
Tbh, she’s actually pretty nice. The mum calms down eventually, when she learns Elise is moving to Sydney and she will live with them rent-free in their spare room. Matty ain’t super keen.
‘Well… actually I don’t really like potatoes thaaaat much’
I don’t remember anything about the fam’s meet/greet except for Laura’s dog Buster.
SWEET PUP. CUTIE BOOP. AWWS.
He was a delight. So here’s some glamour shots of Buster:
Surf Dog Bachelor watch out, we have a heartbreaker on our hands.
P.S: the rest of the date with Laura was actual v lovely and her fam are heaps normal/nice. Laura’s got this thing in the bag, we reckon.
(…still TARA + MATTY EVA)