GAME OF THRONES RECAP: Dawn Of The Undead As White Walkers Spear Hearts
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It’s the big penultimate episode, we know the drill. Big awesome battles, characters dying. Bring the pain!
First to our ladies of Winterfell, the sisters Stark. It’s all a little Bold and the Beautiful in the north, with both sisters seriously dirty on the other one.
Their beef just doesn’t make sense for the characters. Only Vicky Pollard from Little Britain could explain what’s going down between the sisters, so, he-hem, read this next bit in her voice.
‘OMG you wouldn’t BEEELIEVE what Sansa did to Arya!! First Arya’s all ‘omg you’re a bitch and a traitor’ which gets Sansa COMPLETELY mad, then Sansa goes all ‘Well idk because you weren’t around to see what I been through, when actually Arya’s had it just as bad, but anyways everyone knows Little Finger is a total slag!’
But yeah, Sansa could be manoeuvring to knock off her sister as she’s terrified Arya will show the northern lords the little note she wrote to Rob all those years ago. The letter telling him to bend the knee to the Lannisters. Shady lady.
We’ve come full circle with Sansa. First we hated her because she loved Joffrey. Then we liked her because she’d been through so much and developed a brain, and now we’re back to square one – hating her for being so spineless and power hungry. Awesome character arc, way to play my feelings like an old harp GoT.
North of the wall, our merry band of heroes are swaggering away on their quest, not a pimpin’ bunch of fellas seen since Frodo changed his mind about keeping that pesky old ring.
First up, the lads are bonding over some general bantz. Tormund Giantsbane reckons he’s partial to love with men and women. Let’s hope he’s enrolled to vote.
Gendry is still upset with Beric and Thoros, but Dog tells him to get over it. He’s like a wise old uncle who hates you as much as he loves you.
Jon and Jorah are talking about how great their respective fathers are as well. They’ve really got good working culture down to a fine art. More businesses should invest in North of the Wall team building exercises.
Our merry band arrive at the mountain that The Hound saw in the fire, and press on. A mighty blizzard whips up around them and Thoros cops a mauling from a wight bear. But men and red priests were made of sterner stuff back then, and he walks it off.
Once the blizzard dies down, our gallant men sight a White Walker and a few wights separated from the main undead army and ambush them. Jon kills one and all the surrounding undead die, bar one. Convenient. He fits the bill of being an icky undead thing they want to show Cersei, and they capture him.
Unfortunately they’re spotted by the main army, and it’s time to Benny Hill it out of there.
A big ass second last episode battle scene is shaping up, we can all feel our nether regions quiver in anticipation.
Our heroes find themselves trapped on a frozen lake after being chased by the wights, White Walkers looking on from a nearby hill. Stalemate for now.
Oh yeah and Thoros of Myr kicks the bucket, but he’s a minor character and we really don’t care.
Dany and Tyrion are back on Dragonstone. Tyrion is trying to remind Dany that she doesn’t want to cook the world with dragon fire, but truthfully, she’s starting to think a solid Westerosi world cook-off isn’t a bad idea. In fact, she’s getting a little sick of Tyrion all together, what his conscious and boring ideas about not killing the Tarlys.
They receive word via raven telegram that the lads are in trouble, and Dany tells Tyrion where he can shove his hippy peace-loving crap, and sets off with three dragons to lend a hand. Dragons, Ho!
The chummy guys really bit off more than they could chew, as the wights finally advance, and things are looking hairy. But yeah, who should arrive and save the day? Why it’s Dany! With dragons! No one can beat dragons, yeah?
Wrong. Fucking wrong.
Old mate Night King, who is consistently full of surprises, pulls out an ice spear, does the old Matthew Lloyd toss of the grass to see how the winds blowing, and literally kills a dragon with one throw. What a boss. I mean, what a monster.
And with that, a dragon dies. Put a big collective fork in all of us, we’re done.
Naturally, the heroes are shitting their dacks, and hightail it out on dragon back. Cowards. Except for poor Jon Snow, who’s managed to fall into some ice, haul himself back up, and looks set to take on the entire army of the undead by himself.
He’s saved an ignominious death by Uncle Benjen, who in a timely manner, swoops in, puts Jon on his horses back, sets him off, then dies. So er, great to see you man.
Jon’s taken back to the Wall, and sets off with Dany on a boat, where he promptly bends the knee and calls her Queen. Again, the plot is moving at the speed of light here, and consistency in character behaviour is going quicker than Wile E Coyote at an ACME fire sale.
So that’s it, yeah? Good ep, drinks all round? Not yet. The Night King hauls the dead dragon up from under the ice lake, and does some pretty neato magic, turning it into a wight.
That’s right. Undead dragon. Will it breath ice and listen to death metal? Only time will tell.
Recap by William Henderson
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