game of thrones recap

GAME OF THRONES RECAP: Stark Fam Get Their Vengeance On & Sweaty Sex Happens

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Episode 7 of Game of Thrones had everything. It’s a lot like an entire season of Neighbours crammed into one final episode. Characters dying, big plot unveils, cliff hangers and intrigue. Yup, the GoT finale had it all.

I’m pretty sure I even saw Toady marching in the White Walker army too. It could have been a giant, but I’m standing by that it was Toady.

We begin with the big ol’ hootenanny meeting at King’s Landing is ready to kick off. Dany’s put on her favourite boot scootin’ shoes, Cersei’s fried up a whole pig and Old Gregor Clegane has even got a bonfire a-doin’, that old softie.

Well not quite. In the ruins of the Dragonpit, every main and secondary character in the south meets to discuss the pending war with the undead. Cersei reckons she’s all that, sitting on a fancy chair, until Daenerys rocks up on dragon back, who says ‘holla’ to the gang.

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Cersei’s being a real gimmer, no surprises. She tells them all they’re mad to believe in the supernatural, giving them that look that cats give overly-friendly dogs. Then, in comes the Hound, and dumps that wight right in the middle of the meeting. It gets the desired reaction, Cersei flips her lid.

It all goes pear shaped when Jon sticks his big dumb foot in it by telling everyone he’s pledged his allegiance to Daenerys. He basically fucks everything up and then bongs on about honesty, translating to:

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Cersei storms out, thinking they’re all conspiring against her. They’re already your enemies dude – settle the calamities that are your mammaries.

Tyrion risks death by following her into the castle and convinces her to join the cause. He also clues on that she’s preggers. He probs also clues on to who’s daddy. Ick.

So they’re all marching north to take on the White Walkers. Happy days. Theon regains his mojo too (not the physical mojo, that’s long gone). He wants to take his remaining Ironborn back to Pyke to rescue his sister. The issue is that they really don’t want to, and their leader spits in his face.

It’s kicking off! The other guy begins to lay a fierce beat down on Theon and may have even killed him too, if he hadn’t tried the old knee to the groin. Discovering his super power of being immune to the cock jab, Theon jumps the guy and kills him.

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The rest of his men see real leadership potential in the young murderer, and back him in his quest to steal Yara back from Euron.

Shit’s getting tasty in Winterfell. Littlefinger seems to have convinced Sansa to kill Arya, and Poirot style, Sansa calls everyone into the great hall. Arya is brought in by the guards, and Sansa says ‘You’re accused of murder and treason’.

But then, in a move that would make old Poirot proud, she points that well-manicured finger at Littlefinger. Shock. And. Horror. Bran’s seen the whole thing, the airy fairy Three Eyed Raven decides to engage with the here and now for once, and the siblings unveil all the awful junk Littlefinger has done since day dot (my word, there is a lot).

He is shook to finally be exposed and simultaneously become the blinking guy meme. It is spectacular.

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Following his undoing, he goes all Littlefinger. Tries to have a private word, says he loves their mum (I never understood how that was an endearing quality), but the Stark kiddliwinks are having none of it. He’s sentenced to death, and Mr ‘Chaos is a Ladder’ has his throat slit by Arya. Phwoarr.

Back in King’s Landing, Jaime’s getting the army geared up for the march north. But in a move that surprises no one, Cersei tells Jaime they’re not going north. His face is a mixture of telling a child that there is no Santa, and that the Easter Bunny is an arsehole.

Jaime reaches his breaking point, and leaves her to join the fight against the undead. She doesn’t kill him, and I guess for her, that’s progress.

Old mate Sam Tarly is back in Winterfell, here to help Jon with all that information he learned in Oldtown, which if you think about it, was mostly related to cleaning toilets.

But he did pick up that snippet that Jon’s parents were married when they had him, and paired with Bran’s ability to know everything all of the time, they figure out that Jon is the true heir to the Iron Throne, and *GASPS* Dany’s nephew.

Meanwhile, and totally unrelated, Dany and Jon are knobbing like nobody’s business on the ship back north. GoT really picked its moment here. It looks wrong, but my god it feels so right.

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Jon’s real name is Aegon Targaryen. Which is a total cop out, as Rhaegar’s other kid, who died at the hands of Sir Gregor, was also called Aegon. Proving Rhaegar to be the most unimaginative flog we never grew to love.

Scary baddy’s end our journey in season seven. The White Walkers approach the wall by the sea and using the wight dragon, they burn it to the ground. They don’t need no fire, they let the motha flipper burn.

So yeah. No more eps until next year or possibly 2019. Good luck trying to find an adequate replacement to fill the Game of Thrones shaped hole in your heart. I’m hibernating for winter until the pain stops.

Recap by William Henderson

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