How To Listen To Nickelback Without Ripping Out Your Goddamn Ears

Nickelback’s music is great for making you want to pull a van Gogh and take the ears clean out of your own head. But is it possible to get through a Nickelback song without mutilating yourself? Punkee investigates.

So, the general vibe around Nickelback is that they are bad. We double checked with the public, and yes – the consensus is in fact that they are very, very bad.

Our friends over at UrbanDictionary had some useful descriptors in case you need a refresher on what exactly Nickelback signifies.

“This band is like cyanide for my ears.”

Yes, that is why we tear them out.

“Why do I hate Nickelback so much? They perpetuate the sadness of honoring mediocre and unoriginal non-creative music.”

Yes, I hate that too.

“The lead singer seriously needs a cough drop.”

Too little too late, methinks.

“A band that is considered a joke to many, e.g.

Very funny.

It has even become a verb:

“To lamely produce something for mass consumption with little care for its originality or creativity. e.g. The client hated the ad so we totally Nickelbacked it to get it approved.”

Ok, so we have sorted that Nickelback is no-good noise that hurts the soul.

HOWEVER, if for some unfathomable reason you really must listen to Nickelback, and would like to keep your ears from bleeding, we have put together a little guide of strategies to help you out. Godspeed.

How about a very low volume?

Be very cautious of how harsh your Nickelback exposure is. The volume at which the Nickelback music is played can be what makes or breaks you, and studies have shown that the lower the volume, the happier the listener. When it comes to Nickelback, loud is dangerous.

Quiet is tolerable.

Mute is preferable.

Try playing something else simultaneously, but louder.

Another good coping mechanism. Simply put on any song of your choosing (make sure to put this on FIRST as to avoid hearing an unfiltered beginning of a Nickelback song), then you may proceed to put on Nickelback, at a substantially lower volume.

The volume disparity depends on how game you are. I am personally of the belief the bigger the better, but I really fucking hate Nickelback so you do what works for you.

Nickelback covers?

Ah yes… a loophole, my friends! Technically you are still hearing Nickelback music (so that is still shitty), but if it’s a cover then you don’t have to hear that voice, because ffuajosidc. Anything but that voice.

Now that we have replaced some of the key elements of the music, you should be able to handle this lower dose Nickelback on your own without permanent injury.

If you need to practice, here is Avril Lavigne’s cover of ‘How You Remind Me’, a low point in her career, but useful for this exercise.

It still causes pain to the frontal cortex, yes, but the blow is slightly softened by the absence of the lead singer.

Unlearn English.

If you simply unlearn the entire English language then this will bring some relief to your Nickelback-listening experience. Their song lyrics have a tendency towards being generic and shallow, so it’s easier to not get offended by the things they say and their inexplicable success as a band if the words don’t register meaning in your brain.

Here is a list of words to unlearn that I’ve taken from their trashfire song ‘Rockstar’:

“Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat
And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger’s gonna wind up there
Every Playboy Bunny with her bleached blond hair, and well
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar”

Are you sure you actually meant to put on Nickelback? Surely this was a mistake.

I don’t mean to be rude, but I just wanted to double check that this is definitely the music you intended to play. Out loud? Or did you mean to search for Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds? Or Nicki Minaj? Maybe Nick Jonas? Save yourself the suffering and maybe listen to them instead.

Get a different goal.

Ok, we are all friends here but I must say, there are many better ways to be spending your time other than trying to tolerate Nickelback. Perhaps you might enjoy tennis. Or a scintillating game of solitaire.

Yes, much better.