real housewives melbourne taglines

We Ranked The Real Housewives Of Melbourne New Taglines From Bad To Terrible

After a very long wait (‘cos of that pesky Sydney season) tonight The Real Housewives of Melbourne returns to our TVs. Halle-fricken-lujah.

With the series kicking off, all that’s left to wonder is what new tacky taglines have the ladies conjured up???

The opening phrases are basically the best thing about the entire series because they’re often just bonkers/ meaningless words delivered with such confidence, we think they’re deeply profound.

Luckily, we’ve already been given a preview of this year’s taglines, check them out.

There’s some pretty weird ones in there and we’re starting to think the producers have completely ran out of housewife cliches.

So we’ve ranked the taglines from bad to absolutely terrible:

Janet

‘If you’re offended by what I say, imagine what I’m thinking.’

This is peak Janet, just being fabulously sassy. She has no shame and we love her for it. I think it’s her best tagline yet.


Venus

‘When you’re named after the hottest planet, things are sure to get fiery.’

This might be a bit predictable, but I’m okay with that because it’s just soo extra. Hopefully, Venus’ ‘firey’ reputation meets our expectations.


Lydia

‘I save my best pot-stirring for the kitchen.’

This is just untrue. Like, nah m8. Lydia is known for causing all kinds of drama and we know she doesn’t do much in the kitchen, instead forcing her slavegirl housekeeper Johanna to do all the cooking.


Gamble

‘When you finally fall on your feet, people will still try to bring you down.’

What? Like, what? This is just nonsense, and Gamble (my fave RHOM gal 4ever) deserves better.


Jackie

‘I always follow my intuition and let the angels do the rest.’

At this point Jackie’s taglines are so damn predictable they could be made by a bot. Just sub in some generic quote, add something about angels and shining. It’s soo dull-apolloza! Next…


Sally

‘I’ve turned each painful ending into a big beautiful beginning.’

Whoa, Sally! This shit just got real dark, real quick. I don’t know the trauma behind that but best to save it for the actual show.


Gina

‘I stand by what I say but not how you interpret it.’

Gina…wtaf? This is your worst. It is soo damn specific. I don’t even know what you’re on about?! It makes Janet’s god-awful ‘cup of tea’ tagline from last season sound like Shakespeare.

Bring it all on and hook it to our veins. We can’t wait.

The new season kicks off tonight on Arena at 8:30pm. 

Images via Arena.


BONUS: The Premiere Of CRAM But Just The Bits Where They Say Cram, Crammed Into A Crammed Video Of Cram

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