Just Hear Me Out: Christmas Food Is Shit
According to 2003 movie Love Actually, at this time of year you’re supposed to tell the truth. So I’ve decided we all need to stop lying to ourselves and acknowledge that Christmas food is actually gross.
It’s just bad and it brings me no joy.
Every year as December 25 rolls around, I know I will spend the entire day chowing down on a box of Favourites I received from my aunt, and barely touch the food on my plate.
Because besides sausage rolls, which in my mind can do no wrong, most Christmas food is at best just okay and at worst straight-up disgusting.
Christmas Food Is Bad & These Are The Worst Suspects:
Why do we decide at Christmas that eating slices of ham is acceptable? Ham is not something you eat on its own; you eat it in sandwiches, in wraps, on pizza. Ham is not a main meal, it merely jazzes up a main meal. Eating a whole leg of ham is for SAVAGES.
Turkey is just shit chicken. Like honestly, if you were ever given the choice between tender, moist and flavourful chicken over rubbery, dry, bland turkey, what would you choose? If you say turkey, I’m about to throw hands.
Turkey sucks and for some reason Aussies MUST eat it at Christmas, even though for the other 364 days of the year we all agree that chicken is a million times better.
Christmas pudding is the bane of my existence. Every Chrissy lunch, the pudding is brought out like it’s a bloody newborn baby: there’s ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘ahh-ing’ and far too much excitement for a ballsack of boiled fruit.
IT IS DISGUSTING. Like, it’s just far too strong in flavour because it’s stuffed with all that gross old fruit. Why do people pretend it tastes good? Don’t even get me started on hard sauce, which is literally just sugar butter. SUGAR BUTTER! No, thank you.
Oh my Lord. I hate trifle. Trifle has been pushed on me since I was a baby, which makes sense because trifle is BABY FOOD. It just is, OK? It is basically just cream, custard and jelly — all soft and mushy, which makes it perfect for a developing human without fully formed teeth.
The only solid food involved are sponge finger biscuits, a kind of sweet treat commonly sucked on by… BABIES! I am not a baby, I have a full set of teeth and I want to eat adult food, so please keep your garbage trifle to yourself.
I am more than ready to be called unAustralian for this opinion, because pavola sucks. Let’s be real, pavlova is just an eggy, soppy mess. Take away the fruit, take away all the garnishes, and you have whipped, sweetened eggs.
The cooked, crispy eggs on top are one thing. But the soft, uncooked whipped eggs underneath are just straight-up disgusting. Who actually wants to eat this fluffy sugary nonsense? I actually want to vom thinking about it. I’m fully convinced that all the fanfare over pavlova is a conspiracy.
I had to save the best (read: worst) for last. Mince pies are a national disgrace. Yes, they may have originated in the UK, but we had no business bringing them over here.
I would honestly rather eat mince meat than fruit mince in a pie. It makes no sense. We DO NOT eat these things outside of December and for good reason. They’re yuck. There’s nothing to like about these little cups of bitter, spiced fruit. I like my fruit right where I can see it: in my fruit bowl, which I never touch until my bananas go brown and I have to bin them.
We as a society need to stop acting like mince pies or any of the food mentioned above are actually enjoyable to eat. The jig is up, let’s stop pretending, and please pass me another sausage roll.
Images via Wiki Commons.