13 Things That Happened On The Very First Dinner Party Episode Of ‘MAFS’

We’ve waltzed our way through the weddings, struggled through the honeymoons, and finally tonight we settled in for the very first dinner party episode of this year’s Married At First Sight.

The thing about this social experiment is that while the couples go through challenges within a 10-week timeframe in a test to make them stronger, they’re also cut off from a lot of human interaction outside of their new spouse which doesn’t necessarily equate to forming a healthy relationship.

Let’s be real, in what world do you go on a Tinder date with someone then shack up with them the next night and don’t see your family and friends for weeks?

But hey, that’s only one, single, bitter girl’s take on the whole thing. Do I look like a relationship expert? Absolutely not, just ask my ex.

Let’s recap the mayhem of the very first dinner party of Married At First Sight:

1. Two couples have gotten intimate and Trish was bloody thrilled

This may be the first time in the history of MAFS that sniffing each other’s t-shirts has paid off. Maybe Trish has been right all this time. Maybe I should go back to the pub that’s banned me from entering after I sniffed too many people.

As the ladies got reacquainted, Poppy desperately asked everyone who had bonked yet. Poppy right now is every unhappy friend in a stale relationship trying to live through others’ lives vicariously and asking questions like “OK, but after two years, you’re still meant to have sex right? Right? If he doesn’t want to is there something wrong with me? Is he cheating? Is it normal for it to die off? No, but seriously, but how many times a week do you do it anyway? What’s normal? How mu-”

The real lol of this conversation went to Mishel when upon being asked if she had banged Steve yet, she replied with a horrified “God, no.”

FYI: the couples who have actually done the dirty deed are Josh and Cathy in one corner and Michael and Stacey in the other. Choose your fighter. I know who I’m going with, lmao.

2. The experts once again tuned into their creepy Pretty Little Liars setup, so they could watch the drama and fights between the married couples go down

John played the piano as a distraction from the suspicious lack of macarons on the table.

Meanwhile, in a weird alternate universe, Michael reckons the experts should get a pay rise. Of course the rich want to benefit the rich.

3. David and Hayley approached the meeting and greeting of everyone very differently, and we’re all Connie in this sea of awkwardness

David came in saying he didn’t want to talk about their situation until Hayley was there  to defend herself, which everyone respected. However, when Hayley arrived she immediately rehashed with the girls what went down over her dig about David’s wage.

“But didn’t she deny to David that she said anything when they first argued and now she’s admitting she said it while saying it was just a joke?” my elderly next door neighbour yelled across her balcony. OMFG, get out of the rain Doris, I don’t have time to come rescue you if you fall off.

4. Amanda and Tash had a very confusing argument over sweet potato, while Hayley told the others David wasn’t wearing his wedding ring because it’s “too big”

And normally it’s boys trying to use that excuse.

Amanda was trying to make sure Tash had enough food I guess, and Tash was all “Baaaaabe, I don’t know if it’s vegan” and Amanda is like “Uh, it’s… sweet potato.”

Honestly, I can’t tell what’s more stupid, relationships or this show.

5. Steve morphed into an expert to help Hayley and David out

Steve did get compared to expert John in this episode and I guess at the end of the day they’re two middle-aged men that like to think they’re right so if the shoe fits…

To his credit, Steve seemed to calm both Hayley and David down separately, especially when David went back to being butthurt about his wage.

OK, fuck me dead I am over this storyline so let’s dissect it: on one hand, Hayley’s judgement on David’s wage was shit, sure, absolutely. We can all agree there! On the other hand, for the love of GOD in the words of Adele Dazeem…LET IT GO. We all know at the end of the day David is most upset because his masculinity felt threatened by her judgement. If your wage doesn’t affect YOU David and you’re not embarrassed over it like you keep saying you aren’t, then move ON.

6. Intermission: we stan Chris

I love the energy of Chris, who has said basically nothing and just watched the drama carry on around him while casually sipping wine.

We are all Chris watching this show.

7. Tash did her absolute most to ignore her wife, while Amanda and Hayley got deep into a D&M

Hayley told Amanda that David is everything she wanted on paper, but something isn’t quite gelling. It led Amanda to give some sort of spiel about “when women want something on paper, it’s generally NOT what they want. Women will say ‘I want a nice guy who’s going to buy me flowers’ and when they meet Mr. Nice Guy suddenly they’re turned off!”

Problem 1: huge generalisation Amanda.
Problem 2: the butthurt nice guy stereotype exists for a reason. You can be a nice guy on the surface and you may then react to things by cleaning the toilet with your wife’s toothbrush as retaliation… as we’ll no doubt see soon.

8. Meanwhile, Connie really just LEAPT out of her shell

But who doesn’t after a few wines? Amirite?

I mean at one stage she did yell to a shocked Jonethen who was seeing her extroverted side for the first time, “do I satisfy thee?!” and I choked on my popcorn and died.

9. Hayley and David had a hugely painful, cringey interaction off on the secret lounge where people normally cheat on each other

Ugh I thought this sex lounge was made for sultry Jessika Power’s coming onto awkward Nic Jovanovic’s, not couples trying to PATCH things up.

Look, there’s no great way to talk about this interaction. Hayley decided she wasn’t mad at David anymore and tried to show him lots of physical affection. David warned her off and apologised for seeming cold, but said “he’s not there” yet. He asked her to give him some time, and she tried to smoosh his face somewhere between the lounge and her arm and then asked him to carry her back into the dinner party.

It was all weird and these two are an awful match and I don’t know why the experts have the audacity to look SHOCKED by that.

10. Second intermission: Find someone who looks at you like Ivan looks at Aleks. I think. Or maybe not. Never mind.

11. Hayley felt rejected, David felt confused, and I feel overwhelmed

12. Ivan and Hayley get into a fight because this show is fucking nuts and she pulled a line from Matt Agnew’s Bachy season

Just kidding. I don’t think that’s what she really said… well, the dog part anyway.

Why are these two even fighting?! Who can say! Ivan introduced himself but was also being patronising as fuck, maybe motivated from an entire night of trying to behave. Hayley didn’t want a bar of it and let him know, calling him a “weasel.”

13. Steve aka Expert John finally had the sense to wrap up the dinner party and Aleks sure wasn’t happy with Ivan getting involved in drama

Aleks was probably hoping to enjoy the night with her husband and not an angsty three-year-old child but unfortunately she came to the realisation that how Ivan treats her is very different to how he treats others.

I mean I do feel bad for Aleks, but also remember how he treated his own mother at the wedding?

I have no doubt Aleks can pull Ivan into line, but here’s a hot tip gents: no woman wants to have to pull a man into line if he can’t control his own damn mouth and emotions. That’s what having small children is about, not a relationship! Grow up!

Sunday night: MAFS is back for the first commitment episode. Who will stay, who will leave, and who will cry the most?

Probably me. Stay tuned.