‘Married At First Sight’ Episode 4: The Honeymoon’s Over (For Me)

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After watching six weddings, we were granted a break tonight to see our happy couples on their honeymoon.

And you know what they say, there’s nothing like the honeymoon phase because after the excitement over the wedding eventually dies off, you wonder what you ever saw in that person in the first place and realise that maybe humans aren’t meant to settle down with one person for their entire lives and mayb-

Whatever.

For your reading pleasure, let’s break the honeymoons down by couple.

“You’re doing that for your own benefit because the episode chopped and changed too much and also you forgot some parts because you were drinking that pink wine,” my elderly next door neighbour yelled out to me.

It’s called rosé, Doris, look it up.

Heidi & Mike:

After being all over each other, there was trouble in paradise for our horniest couple, when Heidi tried to open up more and show Mike her emotional side. After talking to him about her rough childhood, it was apparent Mike had checked out of the conversation approximately 90 seconds in.

An accurate depiction of Mike.

“You need to reach a conclusion at some point,” Mike chivalrously pointed out to Heidi. “I can only listen for a few minutes at a time, I’m not your therapist.”

mike heidi married at first sight recap episode 4

So we learned some things here! Heidi is better than this and Mike uses “honesty” as a guise for being an asshole!

Heidi woke up the next day in a more forgiving mood but we could predict Mike is ready to book his next seedy hostel.

Ning & Mark:

God, I can’t deal with how SMITTEN these two are!

Just kidding, the cringe I have watching these two try to get to know each other is enough to swear me off dating for the rest of my life.

married at first sight recap episode 4

Ning was horrified to find out Mark sleeps naked because he gave her zero warning about his nude habits, which, tbh is fair. If you’re not expecting to see a penis, it’s hard to appreciate anything about it.

On their honeymoon in Bangkok, Ning finally decided to give Mark a poolside pash which may have resulted in me calling my therapist. After their not-so-steamy kiss, Ning backed off again, while Mark was left to ponder… what is he doing so wrong, all the time?

Married at first sight recap episode 4

Probably using too much tongue.

Melissa & Dino:

Melissa and Dino were sent to Fiji where Dino started telling Mel about a dream he had about an Indian God. She totally understood where he was coming from!

Melissa Married At First Sight

After they meditate for a bit, they get dirty… with a mud mask and also have an awkward water kiss, though not as bad as Ning and Mark’s.

Later, Dino gives Melissa a strip dance, which she thoroughly enjoyed.

married at first sight recap episode 4

Jules & Cam:

Jules and Cam went to NZ and Cam dragged Jules along to do some kayaking. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, if you ever want to test if you’re compatible with someone, go kayaking with them. Trust me.

sipping no comment

These two just focused a lot on being adorable and basically in love already and I swear to God, if MAFS is about to “Telv and Sarah” me with these two perfect humans, I will be SO MAD and I will sue!!

Over a lunch, Jules wanted to find out if Cam wanted kids. After he told her he saw kids in his future, she cried and Cam comforted Jules by telling her that she’s brought so much joy to his life already and that she’d be an incredible mum.

married at first sight recap episode 4

Unrelated, but does Cam, like, have a clone? Asking for a friend called Fahlia.

Jessika & Mick:

Well, with the romance (and alcohol) of the wedding dying off, so has Jess’ interest in Mick. Mick has started expressing concern that Jess is not in this for genuine reasons and a little more interested in boosting her Instagram following.

It’s just weird that he got that impression:

Married at first sight recap episode 4

At dinner, they get given the honeymoon box of questions and Mick decided to ask Jess if she’s actually looking for love or social media attention. She calls him disgusting and storms off.

Normal reaction, normal couple.

married at first sight recap episode 4

Cyrrell & Nic:

Meanwhile, in Cyrrell and Nic’s world, they were busy role-playing Bird Box.

Married at first sight recap episode 4

Cyrrell and Nic’s biggest moment was when Nic decided to tell Cyrrell about his history with cancer. She was quite emotional during his delivery but took it well and said she respected him more as a person etc. etc. blah blah.

BUT! There was more. Poor Nic then had to tell Cyrrell that due to his surgery, he can still orgasm but he can no longer ejaculate (it all just goes up into his stomach). He doesn’t tell many people this! Ever!

But now all of Australia knows.

married at first sight recap episode 4

So TL;DR, our boi can still have kids, he just can’t do it without IVF.

Anyway, to all the couples tonight — I feel like we all really know each other on a deeper, more spiritual level now.

I need to now log off for at least the rest of the year.