11 Things That Happened In Tonight’s Cocktail Party Extravaganza Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’

Welcome back to another week of The Bachelor. I’m here with your nightly refresher because, well, it’s my job.

Also, it kinda beats laying on the ground, very still, staring at the ceiling, listening to my upstairs neighbour belt out her daily opera singing while I yell at her ‘Alexa, play ‘Despacito” then pitifully laugh, as though I haven’t made that joke for six months straight.

I’d do anything to drown out that noise. Even listen to Locky say “I’m falling in love with ya” on repeat for 57 hours straight.

Tonight’s episode was pretty much just the WHOLE cocktail party. Seriously! That’s it! That’s all it was! Did enough happen in the cocktail party to warrant this kind of nonsense? Oh absolutely not. But alas, here we are.

Anyway, let’s get a move on so I can go back to watching The Umbrella Academy.

Here’s what happened on episode 3 of The Bachelor. 

1. Locky and Kaitlyn got to know each other better. Kaitlyn thought they had amazing chemistry, kind of like how I have amazing chemistry with my PT because he’s paid to pay attention to me.

Locky did the straight male mating call and helpfully pointed out all his tattoos to a receptive Kaitlyn, who loves tattoos and thinks he’s very hot because of his tattoos. I’d make a snide comment here, but tbh I agree with her. Tattoos are hot.

Statistically speaking, men with tattoos are 97% more attractive than other men. I just made that up, but it makes sense.

Locky dropped the “You’re stunning, WHY are you single?!” line on Kaitlyn, which is what straight men say when they think they’re being complimentary but really it’s just fucking annoying. I’m single because most straight men think a conversation starter is telling you about how horny they’ve become in lockdown. Grow up!

2. At the cocktail party, everyone is desperate to get a piece of Locky.

I mean their only choice is Locky or those 7/11 sandwiches, so it makes sense.

Irena was gooey-eyed because she and Locky share the same star sign which means… wait, what does that mean? Surely that doesn’t mean they’re compatible? Or does it?

Should I have been pursuing someone who is also a Leo this whole time instead of unknowingly throwing myself desperately at anyone who falls under the Aquarius sign? (They’re all psychotic by the way, trust me.)

Kaitlyn also entered the party with a rose, sending the girls into an even bigger tailspin, which only made the whole energy of the night even more chaotic.

3. Early intermission. Grab a choc top! Just wanted to say we’re all this girl right now, whoever she is. Huge mood.

4. Areeba, Juliette, and Kristina decided to shake things up for Locky by descending on him as a threesome instead of going for solo chats.

Whatever tickles your pickle.

5. And as they left, Juliette slipped Locky a letter. He went off to the side to read it, in a rare moment of peace, only to be interrupted by the ghosts of Bachy’s past.

“Dear Locky, I hate your stinkin’ guts…”

Here’s a close up of the letter if you need to know more.

Nah but really, all I took in was that she said he has a “majestic energy” which kind of sounds like the name Lisa Vanderpump would give one of her dogs.

6. Locky was bloody chuffed with the letter and took Juliette aside to give her a rose.

“You’re literally a box full of everything I want to know,” Locky said, which is… well, that’s really something, huh.

7. Needless to say, this did not make Areeba happy whatsoever.

Apparently Juliette broke some sort of girl code with Areeba and Kristina by not letting them know she was slipping Locky a note, therefore not giving them a chance to “up” their game themselves. It’s almost like… idk, come up with your OWN ideas, ya know? Like just because you didn’t think of writing a note, don’t blame your friend.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game, and all that BS.

8. Areeba decided to go confront Juliette about this HUGE betrayal.

Look, we all have different interpretations of what betrayal is. To me, betrayal is my housemate coming home with the only chocolate she’s brought from Woolies being 85% cacao. To Areeba, betrayal is a humble letter slipped to a shared boyfriend on a dating show about girls competing for the one man’s attention.

Juliette is left upset that her actions upset her girl gang, and in this moment I say, “Run baby run, don’t ever look back.”

Yes, this was an extremely niche We The Kings ‘Check Yes Juliet’ song joke. Thanks for coming to my party.

9. Bella intercepted Locky for a little one-on-one action, which leaves the other women distressed.

What! Another woman! Stealing our joint boyfriend! Like one does in every season?! The sheer audacity.

The issue, of course, was the fact Bella already had a rose, so she was eating into valuable time the other women who hadn’t grabbed Locky yet could’ve had with him, had they just worked up the nerve to grab him.

And by eating into valuable time, I mean eating his face.

10. Like, really distressed.

The girls were all crying harder than I did the year I worked a 16-hour Bachelor shift only to have the Honey Badger dump everyone and run, which meant I had to get up even earlier to cover the interviews the next day.

But it’s fine, I’m over it.

I’m not holding a grudge.

It’s fine.

Sidenote: rose ceremonies always look so fun, I’m so jealous not to have an invite.

11. We said goodbye to three girls: 1, 2, and 3.

You will be missed.

I was about to say see you next week then I remembered it was only Wednesday, lol! See you tomorrow!