‘The Bachelor’ Episode 5: I’m Not Unconvinced The Honey Badger Isn’t Alf Stewart In Disguise
We open this episode of The Badgelor with our man stroking the sand tenderly.
He hasn’t been touched in so long, you guys.
As the light gives him an angelic glow against the stark juxtaposition of the fact that we all know he is the horniest devil, our Bachy’s voiceover tells us that he’s taking Sophie on the single date.
He wants Sophie to open up more. It’s crazy he has no idea who she is after zero dates.
The two bonded over being water babies earlier on in the season, so naturally, they had to go on some terrifying fast boat. But they weren’t alone!
We miss you, Kayla.
As Honey Badger waited for Sophie to make her grand entrance for the “romantic” part of their date, he reflected on the time he was known for being a famous footballer and not forced to sit by a fireplace and talk about feelings.
Those were the days.
Sophie arrived and the two tucked into a Macca’s family box. She apologised for being weird in their yoga photo shoot, and explained it wasn’t him, she was just cold and hates yoga!
They both talked about how they’re ready for the next chapter in their life. For them, it’s romance and finding the one. For me, it’s finally hitting the free stamp on my coffee card. But each to their own.
They stared at each other for an uncomfortable time. I stared at them. They stared at me.
Someone had to break eye contact first, so I turned my TV off.
“I’ve been staring at those bloody lips for too long,” Honey Badger told Sophie, sounding as romantic as Alf Stewart.
They kissed. Alf was thrilled.
For the group date, Honey Badger refused to get out of bed, so sent his family along instead.
Honestly, I wish I could do that with my Tinder dates but also I have none.
Honey Badger’s sis, Bernadette, was not here for anyone’s bullshit.
Romy decided to tell Bernadette that Cassie is wildly in love with Badge. Blair conveniently overheard everything from the bedroom window.
Damn, Romy must talk loud.
Brooke was the lucky lady picked to go have dinner with the Badgelor family! It was pretty boring to watch tbh, so here’s a photo of a dog with a sausage.
MEANWHILE! Romy confronted Blair about the biggest Aussie scandal of 2018… no, not Scott Morrison being our new PM. The fact Blair OVERHEARD everything.
It was a lot of nonsensical yelling to be honest, not unlike me watching this show.
Cat couldn’t even believe two of the ladies were fighting. She was ASHAMED of such behaviour! She was inconsolable that something could divide the unity in the house!
Poor sweet baby angel Cass ended up shutting down the convo saying, “we all need to realise we shouldn’t talk to each other behind each other’s backs”, only for Romy to scream at her that wasn’t what she was doing! She was just… talking about her behind her back!
At the cocktail party, everyone was still confused as to how exactly Cass and Badge know each other.
Including Badge, probably.
Cass finally got her chance to talk to HB about where he’s at with everything.
They sit on a cheap mattress, it’s very romantic. Badge gives some speech about Cass being further up on the feelings ladder than he is. I made the above feelings ladder for everyone’s reference.
At the rose ceremony, we said goodbye to Blair the eavesdropper.
Tomorrow night: Should I get Thai or pizza on Uber Eats? Oh, and on the show probably a single date, a group date, a cocktail party, Cass being “desperate”, and a rose ceremony.
