I Spoke To American Guys On Dating Apps Using Aussie Slang & The Results Were Bloody Hilarious

Ah, Australia.

Home of the budgie smuggler, birth place of the Hemsworths, and the land of the selfie-loving quokka.

Image result for hemsworths gif

To the outside eye, the sunburnt country may appear to be quite similar to big brother America (whether or not that’s a good thing, I’ll leave to you) but a closer look makes it pretty bloody apparent that we’re not so alike. If you’ve experienced the coffee culture in the States, you’ll know what I mean.

I relocated to New York a few months ago, and during my time here I’ve discovered a couple of things:

  1. People love the Aussie accent on a dude. On a woman, however? Eh, not so much. (I once heard someone say Australian women drink and talk like pirates. I almost threw my rum and coke in that guy’s face. Almost.)
  2. Americans find it difficult to understand what I’m saying way more often than I expected.

Before you ask, no I’m not talking about classic Aussie terms like “sheila” and “barbie”… The confusion is often brought on by something that seems pretty ordinary to the rest of us.

Image result for shrimp on a barbie gif

I once referred to someone as a “sook”, and they stared at me blankly for like 30 seconds. And don’t even get me started on pronunciation – an entire conversation was brought to a halt a couple of weeks back because my friend couldn’t understand me when I said: “giant Jenga” (it was a very serious chat).

What I’m quickly figuring out is that beyond “put a shrimp on the barbie” and “that’s not a knife”, the American experience of Aussie colloquialisms is pretty limited. Poor sods never got the chance to grow up with Alf Stewart on their tellies, so you can’t exactly blame them for not knowing what a flamin’ mongrel is.

Image result for alf stewart gif

To test this theory, and to see just how well Aussie slang translates internationally, I decided to use some popular examples to chat to American guys on dating apps and the results were almost as good as a Bunning’s sausage sizzle.

Here are the 9 best exchanges:

1. I may have gone in too hard, too fast here: 

He could have at least pretended to care about my laptop.


2. Turns out other countries don’t refer to us as ‘Straya: 

 

I was sure he’d know this one. But alas, no.
Oh, and if you’re wondering about the Batman comment, I reference the movies in my bio because I’m a super cool person. Moving on.


3. Wow. This went well:

I know I started this conversation with the word chinwag, so I’m not exactly the picture of charisma but “(something witty)” is one of the laziest attempts at a line I’ve seen in a while.


4. Eyyyy! Someone likes my accent:

 

Us Aussie gals don’t sound like pirates, after all! This guy…who I met on a dating app…and has never heard me speak just prove— never mind.


5. I think this is the first time in history that “flamin’ galah” has been used in an attempt to get laid:

I mean, I guess he gets points for trying?

Actually, nah. He took a sacred Australian idiom and turned it into filth. No points for you, mate.


6. I don’t even know what I meant here:

I just really wanted to say “chuck a u-ey”.


7. Sorry, mate. Let me help you pick that name up off the ground:

 

TBH as soon as he mentioned Lauryn Hill, I wanted to throw away this experiment and ask him to introduce me.


8. There goes my only chance to be with an astronaut:

Do I know if he’s actually an astronaut? No. Am I going to pretend he is one because his bio said NASA? Absolutely, yes.


9. I think this guy and I could have a real future:

For the curious folk out there, the answer to old mate’s question is obviously Sunday brunch. Are you kidding? I like brunch more than I like some of my family members.


As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, none of these prime examples of #banter led to a date. I guess Aussie slang is an acquired taste or something. Anyway, I think I’ve done enough damage to my dating apps for one week, friends. I’ll be sure to send out an update if brunch d*cks and I become a thing.