25 Things That Happened On The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Premiere

Welcome back to Fiji friends, because we’re back watching some of our fave Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects take a chance at a second chance of love or, at the very least, a chance to double their Instagram following.

The premiere of Bachelor In Paradise brought with it a whole lot of laughs, banter and, of course, the glimpses of drama and turmoil to come.

From dancing Brittney who will hopefully form her conga line one day soon, to Brooke’s Honey Badger bombshell and the glimpse of our once adored/loathed former Bachelor Richie, paradise looks set to be anything but relaxing.

But oh boy, will it be entertaining.

If you missed the episode, had better things to do, or are still recovering from MAFS burnout, here’s what happened on tonight’s premiere of Bachelor In Paradise.

1. Osher returned looking as glorious as ever.

Damn, with Osher and Richie on the same island this year it’s going to be battle of the chiselled jawline amIRITE?

Yes, I am generally, always right, thank you for acknowledging that.

2. Shannon was the first to enter Paradise and was excited to meet a potential new fellaaaaa!

Shannon, as you may recall, is best known for not kissing Nick Cummins on their solo date, but also for force-feeding herself the salmon he cooked her… except she really hates fish.

Damn, we women do some dumb shit for men sometimes.

3. Bill said he was most remembered for being “under siege” from Charlie before the producers dropped this on him.

Bill still denied he dated dog park Amy because he considers dating “wining and dining” someone and he NEVER wined and dined Amy! He just took her to the dog park! And they probably bonked. Hopefully not in the dog park!

Honestly, dog park Amy deserves JUSTICE.

4. Brooke came in looking like a vision in white while also being slightly paranoid Honey Badger might just pop up from the bushes somewhere.

“I hope he’s not here Osh, I swear to God,” Brooke pleaded.

5. Paddy entered wearing… well, this:

LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS.

6. Cass, James & Cat all come blazing on through and we relived Cat and Shannon’s awkward history.

“Shannon was quite abusive to me in multiple situations,” Cat drops which, uh… well.

Let’s just move on.

7. Brittney danced her way in…

…and Osher didn’t quite know how to handle it all.

He’s furiously writing an email to Sandra Sully now for a payrise and honestly, same.

8. American intruder Alex rocked up, and he said he’s most remembered for dirty dancing on a grandma.

I’m already an old lady after the last season of MAFS so, yes, I will be the grandma in question. I volunteer as tribute.

Brittney then had this to say about Alex. “He has a good body, like you must weigh your chicken!”

BRB, asking men on Bumble if they weigh their chicken.

9. Rachael came back for Paradise 2.0 and told Osher she’s over dating, but still holds a torch for Richie.

“I don’t like dating. I’m like ‘I can’t be fucked, I’ll just wait for Paradise again!’

Funnily enough, I said the same thing but Channel 10 obviously forgot to call me.

10. Brittney appears to be too high energy for Paddy which is truly wild to think about.

After telling him she walks 16km a day, he asked where and she answered with “Just around the house! It gives me so much enjoyment!”

11. We also learn Brittney has a phobia of birds because when she was little she stuck her head in a… cage full of them.

I am sorry, how is this girl a real-life person? I love her, but I am BAFFLED right now.

12. Alisha arrived and assured us she wasn’t here to narrate the series this time… she wants to be IN on the action. Or get some action!

Honestly, girl, same.

13. Anyway, next minute:

14. Brooke came clean about the Honey Badger secret she’s been holding onto: he told her on their final date he was going to pick no one.

“I thought maybe I’d be the girl at the end but he stopped the cameras and smothered his mic to say he wasn’t going to pick anyone.”

This is bringing back some painful memories… for me that is. And how much time I wasted on that show last year, only to have Honey Badger just…

NEVER MIND.

15. Cass’ whole life flashed before her eyes.

16. But the girls then all cheers-ed to the fact that Nick Cummins has been cancelled and, sweaty, we won’t speak of him again in 2019.

I cheers-ed my empty bottle of tequila to the TV in celebration. “TO LETTING GO OF THE HONEY BADGER,” I screamed. “Bitch, shut UP and get a fucken LIFE,” my elderly next door neighbour yelled back.

17. Shannon got the single date card and chose to take… Paddy?

Everyone was like, “did she say Paddy? Like ‘FIT AF’ Paddy? Did she slip up saying Jimmy?”

18. American Alex took his shirt off…

…and Brooke was literally all of us.

Alex is a meal, not a snack, and fuck I just quoted MAFS again like some brainwashed cult member.

19. Paddy and Shannon have the least-romantic date I’ve ever seen on the show and she shares with him that she once got hit by two buses.

Rude way to talk about bantering with Paddy, but OK Shannon!

20. Rachael and Nathan enjoyed some solo time together and she said she misjudged him, while also dissing his mo.

I get the vibe Rachael is going to be super iconic this season and I am all for it.

21. Shannon and Paddy turned me off heterosexual dating, hopefully for good this time.

They kissed with as much passion as two dead fish.

22. As the sun rises on a new day, Paddy decided he had some beef to sort out with Bill about Bill hitting up some former ladies to create an “alliance”.

I don’t really… get it? Like, you don’t win anything at the end of the show? Why bother with an alliance? This isn’t Survivor: Dating edition. You either form a connection or you don’t?

Men make no sense, honestly.

But also can someone check on Nathan?

23. Alisha, the non-narrator of this season, spoke for all of us when she said it was hard to take the boys seriously because they were both wearing matching Bananas in Pyjamas shorts.

Is this bananas in pjamamas? #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/lGPfW9fHl3

— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 9, 2019

24. Richie returned and dropped some lukewarm tea about Alex, but none of the “grubby” details just yet.

He said he was hoping he could find love because it happens for everyone else! “Everyone believes in love, Osh,” Richie said.

DO THEY RICHIE? Have you ever had a convo with ME? Until then stop throwing such wild assumptions out there.

25. But maybe the real love story of this show will be the friendships we make along the way 🙂