‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 5: The Tension Between Charlie & Bill Escalates So Maybe They Should Just Get Together
Welcome back to week three of The Bachelorette, or if you’ve been watching all these shows back-to-back like us here at Team Punkee, days and weeks no longer matter to you. In fact, does anything really matter?
We haven’t slept for 12 weeks, sorry.
Unfortunately Ali hasn’t replied to my emails of “Hey sis, if you pick Robert, send Todd my way and let’s go on a double date,” so we’re still being forced to watch a bunch of grown men act like teenagers on TV.
Osher skateboarded in and dropped a bombshell on the lads: Ali is here to look for LOVE.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Nah, the real bombshell is that two men will go on the date but after duelling it out, only one will make it out alive. Ivan and Bill are the chosen ones.
It’s like one is Harry using that stupid one Expelliarmus spell and somehow still surviving and Voldemort is like “yo, I’m doing the killing curse on you, yet I’m the one that’s dead?”
You can guess which one is going to come out alive already.
Ivan took the news pretty hard and we had our first lovely bromance moment of the season as a bunch of boys cuddle him better.
Ivan was upset because he put so much into dancing for Ali last episode, so it’s like… why isn’t she in love with him yet?! So weird. Speaking of weird, why am I starting to like Paddy?
Intermission #1: Who is this guy?
The gardener????
The three sit down to a final dinner: Who will get the poison apple?
Hopefully me.
Ali talked to the boys about how Nathan was a huge shock to her system and now her gut is telling her things. Meanwhile, my gut is telling me to have a second serving of dinner, while my 28 by Sam Wood app screams at me not to.
Shut up Sam, you’re not my real mum.
As Bill cooked the main course, Ivan and Ali talked about their future.
Ali said she doesn’t want to hold Ivan back from his dancing dream, but Ivan is under the impression he can find Step Up fame in two-three months then be back ready to shoot five children into her at any given time.
All Ivan is doing right now is shooting blank targets.
That’s a joke about… never mind.
Ivan departed to go make dessert while Bill flicked his tongue at Ali. But as Ivan went to task making an avocado mousse, he decided to put the two whole avocados into the blender. Yep. He really just went for it.
Two whole house deposits straight down the drain. I am shaking.
As Ali attempted to work out whether she can trust Bill, the incessant blending from Ivan in the kitchen became the background music.
This show is called The Blenderette now and this is all we know.
Bill asked the blender if it could see a future with him. “I’d move for you,” Bill told the blender. “I could have kids with you,” Bill pleaded with the blender.
Ivan appeared with the avocado mousse and promptly whacked his head on the light.
Damn, things are not going his way.
The three sat in silence, sadly eating two whole blended avos.
Intermission #2: At the house, Red Rooster put on a feast for the boys.
Red Rooster is the most underrated of all fast food chains in Australia and I’m not even saying that because I want them to send me free food.
The real thing of note here (other than my weird obsession with Red Rooster) is that Charlie said he’d potentially walk out if Bill returned from the date. “What a sooky-la-la!” my neighbour yelled from next door. “Also, Red Rooster isn’t that good, you moron!” she tacked on at the end.
Ali eventually told Ivan she didn’t see a future with him. Unfortunately he didn’t do a farewell dance to Dami Im’s ‘The Sound Of Silence’.
Now that I’ve said it, you can picture it, right?
And this is the part when we get the saddest dialogue of the season.
Ali: “I want you to dance all over the world.”
Ivan, before dramatically walking off: “I only wanted to dance for you.”
Damn, what an audition for Step Up! Maybe a little too melodramatic, but Home and Away could be keen!
Ivan had a mopey tantrum in the Uber on the way home. “Someone’s ripped out my heart and stomped all over it,” he fumed.
Damn boi, slam those brakes, you barely had a date.
“She’s gonna learn if she goes through all of the boys and she thinks she’s gonna come back…” he said.
Ivan. First thinking you’d be on Step Up, and now thinking Ali would come crawling back? You poor, deluded child. Someone put a warm cloth on his head, give him a herbal tea, and a number for a therapist.
Bill made his triumphant return and Charlie stood up and shook his hand. He was stoked to see him! 
KIDDING! He chucked a tanty and stormed out.
“The behaviour of these men is absolutely appalling, mother. Their lack of emotional intelligence makes me worry for Ali’s future,” my 18-month-old son called from his bedroom where he was writing his thesis.
The group date rolled around and it was all about testing everyone’s parental potential.
A bunch of kids picked which man they wanted to team up with with the aim to build a bike. One time I assembled a bunch of men in a line and was like “right, who wants to build a bike for me?” and no one replied because they were all just a bunch of different sticks that I planted in the ground.
Intermission #3: My future in a photo.
Sorry, that’s creepy. To the parents of this kid, and to Todd: don’t call the police on me.
To no one’s surprise, Charlie really got to work on his spanner and finished first.
Ugh no, NOT a sex joke, there are children watching, you SICKO.
Charlie and Ali spend some solo time together and share another sloppy kiss. “I am a frontrunner,” Charlie yelled to the producer, beating his chest.
Whatever helps you sleep at night, lad.
At the cocktail party, Robert let the boys know there’s a half moon so energies may be frazzled. Ali interrupted this nonsense by simply arriving and looking fab.
Me greeting my Uber Eats driver for the third time this week, amirite?
All of a sudden Bill and Charlie decided to be mates… before Charlie then decided to not be mates again.
Wow high school flashbacks, right?! Next thing you know, Charlie will be writing “SLUT” in yoghurt on Bill’s schoolbag. Or maybe that was just at my high school.
Basically what happened was Charlie reckoned that because he’s now a frontrunner, Bill didn’t matter. That is until Ali took Bill away for some solo time, and Charlie flipped his shit again and tore up their friendship bracelets.
Intermission #4: No, seriously, who is this guy?
The cleaner???
At the rose ceremony, we said goodbye to Jules and his facial expressions.
That look of horror in his eyes is Jules’ realisation that his time hanging in a mansion drinking for free is all over.