The Official Basic Bitch Guide To Bali
There’s no doubt that human beings are the greatest threat when it comes to the critically endangered.
Sumatran Tiger? Deforestation. Savannah Elephant? Poaching. Bali? Basic Bitches.
For decades, man has polluted the city with Bintang tees, Camilla kaftans and Big W thongs. Almost every part of the nation has been breached, and the Instagram influencer plague is only spreading faster.
For those out there who have yet to experience the beauty of this cultural nation, your time is running out. The Basic Bitch Express (Jetstar) is about to park there for good, so until then we suggest you go immediately.
We’ve put together a guide of Bali’s most mainstream places that are about to be completely taken over by the Basic Bitch Overlord.
Get in quick, because it may be too late already.
Kynd Community
Kynd Community is where Instagram Influencers go to climax. The place is literally decked out with white walls, indoor palm trees, pink neon signs… ARGH! I’m getting wet for followers just by thinking about it.
Just admit it. Smoothie bowls taste better with the words ‘BALI BABY’ spelt out in mango. And couple that with eating in front of a banana-leafed, baby pink wall with the letters ‘WELCOME TO PARADISE’ spelt above you… I’d gladly be murdered there.
Motel Mexicola
If Frida Khalo was to bounce dat ass, she’d do it at Motel Mexicola. The Mexican inspired bar/restaurant is home to a 1960’s Acapulco, day of the dead-style party pad that’s soooo…quiche.
Forget fkn Mad Mex right now, because a bitch would love to be parked with a salted-rimmed Margarita in one hand, and a chef-style taco in another.
Be warned though, because once the white girls be getting on the tequila shots, it’ll be uno, dos, tres…BEUNAS NOCHES!
Mrs Sippy Bali
Getting wet has never been more Insta-worthy.
The place is literally one big fat saltwater pool with good food and mad beats. The crowd is heaps chill, the drinks are lit, and the entire place has a mad Sydney-side vibe to it: picture like a Miami beach club meets Wet’N’Wild meets Tooheys New.
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And you already KNOW this place be filled with inflatable swans, flamingos, beds…BRB counting likes as we speak.
Potato Head
Can we discuss who named this place? No?
Ok, taking a Snapchat of the sun going down at Potato Head radiates the ultimate basic bitch energy. Throw in the infinity pool and you’re pretty much a white girl in the making.
That being said, this place has everything you’d want. Hella restaurants, a litty beachfront bar, and bangers upon bangers upon bangers. We recommend getting there early asf, as the afternoon crowds can get feisty. You don’t want to mess with the Bec and Bridge skirts and Patagonia tees.
The crowd? Upscale-bogan-chic, but it’s definitely up there with Seminyak’s must-see hotspots.
Monkey Forest
Picture this: Tahlia, 23, 12.2k followers. Bio with the red location pin that says Bali <3.
She makes her way to the Monkey Forest to show her followers that she’s interested in culture, and hasn’t spent all seven days of her Bali vacay hungover asf. She poses next to a monkey where she gets an amazing pic of them hugging, that she uploads and captions ‘I can’t even! #travel #wanderlust #live #laugh #love’.
Right after the photo gets taken, the Snap story goes up, the Instagram livestream ends, and the monkey bites her face and she dies.
Finns Beach Club
Imagine King Julian from Madagascar had a beach club. Yes, the ‘I Like To Move It Move It’ guy. Definitely the vibe of this place. Finns is decked out with bamboo towers, sky-high palm trees and cocktails with little umbrellas. If you’re searching for Thotiana, you’ll find her taking pics by the pool.
Spend the day taking pics in the water, lounging on the bed, or even getting a surfing lesson right out front (I know right?).
Sisterfields
I’ll admit it, I’m a basic bitch. But every now and then I wake up feeling fancy (like once every 3 years).
Sisterfields is definitely the mood for when you’re feeling cultured af. I mean, yes, there are still white people with bright red sunburns and knock off Havianas… but the marble interior, the Instagram-friendly dishes, and the life-changing service will have you ready to park up and die there.
OMNIA
Ok, puh-lease keep this place a secret. Like literally if you own a Bintang tee and have beads in your newly braided hair, STAY HOME. OMNIA is every good amount of lux, picturesque and island-style chic that I’m horny for.
It’s a day club with killer fkn architecture and filled with five-star lounging spots. Park your fat ass down on a tanning bed next to the pool, with a breathtaking view of the ocean, and an exotic cocktail in your hand.
You will literally feel like Beyoncé. Promise.
Bali Swing
The Bali Swing is where basic bitches go to… swing. Located 20 minutes from Ubud centre, you are literally strapped in over a fkn CLIFF, swinging as if you aren’t about to plummet to your sad, pathetic death.
Can’t you see it now? “Instagram influencer Dies While Trying To Get The Money Shot.”
I mean, it’s cute or whut-eva, but yeh, nah.