A Definitive Ranking of The Best Villains In ‘The Simpsons’ Based On Hotness

There are a few guarantees in this world: death, taxes and The Simpsons. It’s a truly powerful pop culture icon that’s pervaded almost every aspect of our lives at some point.

But I think it’s time we admit that The Simpsons didn’t just influence our sense of humour. Anything that was so prevalent in our lives had to have also shaped our idea of what’s hot and what’s not.

Did anyone else grow up with a crush on Mrs Krabappel? Who doesn’t love seeing Principal Skinner get flustered? Do I have a thing for teachers? But as everyone knows, villains are always hotter, and that’s equally true for The Simpsons.

It’s a universal fact that wherever hot people go, Punkee will follow them and rank them based on their hotness. So, whether it’s because of their ruthless plans for world domination or their evil mastermind outfits, this is our definitive ranking of The Simpsons villains.

#10. Patty and Selma

These sisters may not be full-on villains, but they’re awful people so they still rank. They once taught a wildly unpopular class about how to flirt with men and everyone asked for refunds.

Their only redeeming feature is that they were responsible for the invention of one of the tastiest cocktails to ever exist, which is convenient because you’d need to down a few before their flirting works on you.

Hotness rating: 2/10

#9. Mr Burns

If we were ranking pure evilness, Mr Burns would top the list – hell, there probably wouldn’t even be a list, just an in-depth investigation of his evil schemes. Yes, blocking out the sun is a power move and yes, releasing the hounds is a weird turn on.

But this is the man who lost a fingernail in a glass of beer and didn’t want to eat doughnuts for breakfast. We don’t stan that kind of sexual energy.

Hotness rating: 3/10

#8. Fat Tony

Being the boss of the Springfield mafia does bring a certain level of big dick energy with it, but Fat Tony wears polo shirts under suit jackets. Yeah, nah.

Hotness rating: 4/10

#7. Frank Grimes Jr.

Frank Grimes Jr is the mastermind behind a few attempted murder plots, he’s a hard worker and a righter of wrongs. He’d probably love to take you out for a simple but romantic date.

Unfortunately, he’s not a very good criminal mastermind and he’d probably be too distracted thinking about revenge to be any fun on a date. It’s a no from us.

Hotness rating: 5/10

#6. Snake

This rough-around-the-edges Simpsons villain is our favourite kind of bad boy: he’s written two books, used to teach as a professor and he’s got tattoos. Swoon. Watching Snake outwit the law makes you think that you could fix him, or at least have a wild fling together before he has to flee the country.

He’s a low-key intellectual hottie, but he also uses cheese as hair gel, and we all deserve better than someone like that.

Hotness rating: 6/10

#5. Rex Banner

One of my personal rules on dating apps is “nobody wearing a hat,” but Rex Banner makes me want to break that rule. He’s boring and tries to stop everyone in Springfield from getting drunk, but damn if he doesn’t ooze hot authority.

Hotness rating: 6.5/10

#4. Sideshow Bob

Without a doubt the smartest villain on our list, Sideshow Bob is the guy you’d take home to meet your parents.

He can sing, he can dance, he’s a famous TV host, he’s a murderous villain who has a vendetta against a ten-year old boy. Nobody’s perfect.

Hotness rating: 7.5/10

#3. Lyle Lanley

Lyle is the lovable con artist who could sweet-talk his way into a date when you’re just trying to read in peace on a long monorail ride.

He’s got curly golden locks and (probably) piercing blue eyes and is the second person to make me break my “no hats” rule. Plus he’s stinking rich from all the cities he’s ripped off. Ka-ching!

Hotness rating: 8/10

#2. Molloy

This cat burglar stole the world’s largest gem, and our hearts.

He’s a silver fox in the same league as George Clooney and current-day Steve Carrell and he can get it any day.

Hotness rating: 9/10

#1. Hank Scorpio

Hank Scorpio is the complete package: he’s rugged like a well-groomed lumberjack, runs an ethical million-dollar company and owns a flamethrower. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT??

Hank Scorpio is the kind of person who’d whisk you away on his personal helicopter and send you a thoughtful gift after you spend an amazing night together.

He’s also a legit evil genius, and we were raised to believe that being smart and successful is hot.

Hotness rating: 12/10