20 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘The Real Love Boat’ Premiere
Ahoy, mateys! The Real Love Boat has sailed into our lives with the first episode kicking off on Wednesday night.
The new series will see a bunch of singles aboard a cruise ship sailing around Spain, Greece, France, Italy, Turkey and Montenegro, while going on dates and facing eliminations.
Captain Paolo Arrigo will steer our singles on their journey, (hot Prawn) Darren McMullen will be the host, Below Deck Mediterranean’s Hannah Ferrier is cruise director, and Daniel Doody will be our resident head of entertainment.
On the first episode, we were introduced the men and women who will be embarking on Love Boat journeys, as they matched and rematched, and sadly, one gentleman was already sent home.
Let’s discuss the premiere by running through all the thoughts I had while watching it.
20 thoughts I had while watching The Real Love Boat:
1. This theme music is so cheesy but weirdly, I’m into it.
2. The last boat I saw this size was the Titanic and that didn’t have the happiest of endings.
3. The trip will begin in Barcelona, but do they really need a giant cruiseliner to carry around 13 people?
I know they want to find love but seriously, how will they find each other on this big-as-shit boat?
4. We meet all the women and I’ve never been more excited for anything than this girl.
When the Macca’s ice cream machine isn’t broken for once.
The men file in and we soon learn that Moana and Dan already know each other! Scandalous! Wow, imagine ghosting someone then being reunited on the Love Boat. Big yikes!
5. Dan gives weird energy, he wears his blonde hair behind his ears which gives me private school captain energy. I reckon he’s the kind of guy who would ask you about cryptocurrency on a date before forgetting your name.
We learn one boy will not make it aboard and the women have to select him based on a round of speed dating.
6. Dan decides to rename Sally as ‘Big Sal’, which confirms all my suspicions about him.
7. Naomi doesn’t know what the name Dan is short for. I personally thought Dan was short for Danathon.
Naomi show off her moodboard to “manifest my dream man”.
8. She’s made a moodboard with words like “scruffle” and “the leader of the fleet” so I think maybe she’s looking for some kind of dishevelled pirate king.
She’s come on the right show!
9. Tyler’s love language is insults, funny that, mine is bank transfers.
10. Sari wants to burp and fart with wild abandon and I respect that.
11. We’re then introduced to Dalton, and I’ve never seen a man who looks more like a Dalton.
Dalton by name, Dalton by nature.
12. It’s unclear whether Jay has a daughter after the 16th mention of her. He tells Sally he’s looking for “a WOMAN” clarifying “I don’t want to date a girl,” before dropping he has a four-year-old like it’s a threat.
Jay then refers to Sally as a “proper woman,” as if the rest of the ladies are mischievous cyborgs.
13. Tyler’s sunburn is giving my anxiety. I guess it’s uncool to ‘slip, slop, slap’ when you’re trying to ‘slip, slop, slide into some dates’.
‘Calamine lotion and chill, l8r?’
14. After the speed dating, Naomi chooses Dan, Tyler selects Dalton, Moana picks Paddy, Sari chooses Chris, Sally bags Jay, but the highlight is Katie selecting Chris. Small issue: there is no Chris left.
She mixed up the names Chris and Josh and I relate to this on so many levels as someone famously mixing up names like Dave, Nick and Matt. These names are the same and I can’t explain why.
Sadly, Ben missed out on boarding the Love Boat.
15. Ben might be a wellbeing coach but not doing very well at being interesting.
They board the boat and Naomi has already put all her eggs in Dan’s basket. However, Moana smashes those eggs by revealing she had sex with him recently: they’ve slept together a few times and were in a friends with benefits situationship.
16. Captain Paolo has arrived and he could climb up my sail any day. Gimme that vitamin sea!
17. I’m obsessed with Sally delivering this line to Jay with complete seriousness: “I didn’t expect you to be so manly, like yep ‘here’s your pina colada’.” I’m screaming.
Dalton is already off Tyler because she is too young and inexperienced. Paddy and Moana attend a wine tasting date: she’s used to drinking Passion Pop and she’s served seafood which she doesn’t eat. Great date!
18. Hannah and Doody stalking these couples from various locations around the ship is giving me life.
My last remaining brain cells watching my push a ‘pull’ door.
19. Sari tells Chris she wants a partner who “Doesn’t care about my personality”. I think she means she wants someone who accepts her introverted disposition, but it’s also just a huge mood. Personality? Who needs it!
20. Jay and Sally are practically already married and after they kiss, they both make ‘nom nom’ , ‘mmm mm’, ‘yum yum’ noises and I must be seasick, ‘cos I could barf.
The power has shifted and the boys can chose who to rematch with: Dalton picks Moana, Jay stays with Sally, Josh picks Tyler, Dan sticks with Naomi, Chris chooses Katie, which means Paddy and Sari are stuck together.
The episode ends with Sari talking about her “booty hole” and I’m pleased to be disembarking this ship.
Will I return? Absolutely.
