australian survivor recap

DUMB SURVIVOR RECAP: Locky & Henry Fall In Merman Love & Ben Digs His Grave

Australian Survivor is back for another week, and another chance for me to translate it into easily digestible, dumb terms.

We open the ep with Luke celebrating being the sole person that got rid of Shifty AK. Last I checked AK went home because of a tribe-swap that left him royally fucked, but I guess it was Luke all along. He says he plans to get rid of Pete next. This will probz involve him lying on a hammock giggling to himself, while talking to a palm tree.

Over at Surly-Tumac, Yogi Bear Henry and Pretty Mc Tall Boy are swimming deep in the ocean like majestic mermen.

‘Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.’

They decide, since they are both the most attractive, that they’ll join forces. Their island bromance is stronger than ever.

The two alphas and the Olympian decide to team up. Ziggy is soo smitten with this threeway deal that she told em’ she has an idol. This was a bad thing to do.

Locky reckons Ziggy’s lie face, sad face and happy face are all the same. He doesn’t like any of her faces and immediately the two boys turn on her. Out of all the island peeps, Henry decides to confide in Anneliese, as they do a session of faux night yoga together.

‘It’s so dark, I can’t even see my chakras?! Oh whoops, there they are.’

He spills to Anneliese that he has an idol. She tells him she has one too. They both tell Lockie. Jeeez, overshare much.

YOU HAVE AN IDOL!! I HAVE AN IDOL!! WE ALL HAVE AN IDOL!!!!!!!

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Both tribe guys arrive to play activities. Everyone is shook that AK is gone. Hostie Mc Biceps tries to get a coherent sentence out of Luke. Luke mutters some nonsense. He fails.

The game is really not PG appropriate. It’s essentially cupping one another’s balls.

Henry is a master baller.

Locky is also an expert at the art of ball handling.

Despite Locky, Henry and Ziggy LITERALLY carrying the weight of the entire team, Summer-Towel lose.

As they head back to their camp, which consists of a banana leaf, a hermit crab and pile of sticks, Michelle quickly works out she is fucked.

She is DESPO. Michelle starts stirring the pot and tells Locky that Ben wants him out. Jarrad calls bullshit on it. But Locky is now set on Ben going. It is DRAMATIC and everyone backstabs each other.

Over at ‘Fire Chat’, Ben thinks that people like him. It’s cute. He proudly announces to Hostie Mc Biceps that he and Michelle are the two possibly going. At least Ben seems to know he’s not good at speaking and being a human.

Locky admits his deep love for Henry. As ‘Fire Chat’ transpires Locky and Henry are having secret eye-ball conversations. It’s sexy as hell.

‘How are we voting island boyfy?’

‘Hello my special boy. Vote just like me…with your heart.’

‘You know me so well, my yogi prince.’

Everything is tense and Michelle is lapping it up. She goes IN on Ben. Tears apart his character and then they fight. With words. Everyone starts whispering, it’s a big mess but I am LIVING for diss drama.

Michelle doesn’t just throw Ben under the bus, she lights the bus on fire and sends irl Sideshow Bob off on a missile to another planet. She is vicious.

‘Let’s kill Ben and survive off his flesh for food.’

Every one immediately agrees with Michelle and turns on Ben. They are hungry AF. Ben doesn’t help himself and practically digs his own grave.

‘Pls kill me quick. Eat up fam!’

SURPRISE! They vote Ben, who pretends to have an idol. Because, of course he does.

His parting words:

“Not that good at Survivor tho.”

True Ben, true. You are gone, but never forgotten.