If You Missed ‘Love Island’ This Week, Here’s A Basic Summary Of What You Need To Know
Hi. You’re here because you don’t want to spend five nights a week watching Love Island, but are still kind of curious as to what the hell is going down on that show.
I get it. I understand. And lucky for you, I put my social life on hold to give you a basic summary of what’s happening in this absolute clusterfuck.
Night one: We met the thirsty contestants and learned not to drink every time the word ‘banter’ was dropped.
Basically, all the ladies arrived and lined up in their fave bikini ready to pick the man of their dreams. It sounds bad and awkward because it was.
Once our couples were all set up (some more reluctantly than others) we were forced to sit through another 45-minutes or so of them making small talk and figuring out if they liked each other. Literally, if I wanted to painfully witness this kind of footage, I would just accept a date every now and then.
Meeting the contestants was, well, interesting. Josh likened women to sandwiches and told us he wasn’t just after a boring ‘ham sandwich’ he wanted a sandwich of substance, a sandwich that could not only walk and talk and crack jokes, but that also had mustard AND aioli on it. Jamie Oliver is shaking!
In other news, one couple was thirstier than the others: Erin and Eden. They both bonded over being “sexual” people, and aggressively made out with each other in their shared bed, being mildly annoyed they were sharing a room with 8 other horny people.
Then there was model Justin, who wants us to know it can be super hard being really, really, ridiculously good looking. He also shared that he used to be a ‘Kangatarian’ which is like a vegetarian, but a vego who only eats Kangaroos.
It’s kind of like when I say I’ve given up drinking, but what I really mean is I only cut out drinking from Monday-Thursday and the only booze I consume is pure vodka.
Night two: I need to go to confession.
I fell disastrously sick on day two, and I’m not saying it’s the fault of the show but I’m also not saying it isn’t. But I couldn’t let you guys down. So I dosed up on cold & flu tablets, stuck a tissue up my nose, and watched these ridiculously good looking, vain people gallivant around in the sun.
Eden and Erin are still going strong and horny AF.
Model Justin tried to bond with newbie Kim over the fact they both like the colour green. Kim went on two dates to find her forever and a day match (or maybe just a day), and Cassidy and Grant had a little trouble in paradise after Cassidy spotted Grant flirting with Tayla.
Keeping up yet? Barely. Keeping sane? Neither.
Night three: This show is just like living on campus again, but it’s a nice house and no one is eating Mi Goreng.
But I am! If Mi Goreng is reading this, call me, I’ll be your new Instagram influencer.
Anyway, tonight involved a FIGHT. It was dramatic! Eden kissed Millie in a game of spin the bottle, and Erin was not happy, Jan, not happy at all. “I would give a shit more what the cat that walks around the villa thinks about me,” Millie eloquently told us.
Erin kept telling people she wasn’t jealous of Millie at ALL, she just doesn’t like her as a person. It’s so not about the spin the bottle game, you guys. That’s why Erin has brought up the game 57 times.
Meanwhile, Grant kept shitting on about wanting to kiss Tayla, Cassidy got teary about Grant playing her, and Tash wouldn’t spill the beans to the household about which pop star she signed an NDA form for, even though we all know it was the Biebs.
Night four: The end is near, but not near enough.
Oh, like the end of this week. Anyway, two new lads, Elias and John James, arrived! And in a huge plot twist “Australia” “voted” and Cassidy had to go on a date with both the new dudes.
“I feel like Australia is trying to tell me something,” our poor, sweet Cassidy said. Yeah hon, we’re trying to tell you Grant is a douchebag.
Regardless, Cassidy decides to give Grant one last chance, even though he’s blatantly lied to her about the Tayla sitch. I’m too tired to scream at my TV. This show has already added 24 years to my life.
Eden and Erin, despite their drama, are still going strong. Still horny AF.
Hot, stupid Justin laments to the camera that there are seven dudes and six girls on the island now and that this must mean that one of the guys will be sent home. Tbh it needs to be seen to be believed.
Night five: Commitment ceremony and it turns out the only commitment in life I can make is to this sad, sad show.
Josh is still confused about how to talk about a woman without comparing them to food – he told us he and Tayla go together like peanut butter and jelly, which I assume he considers to be a superior version of a ham sandwich.
Now officially rejected by Grant, Tayla has decided she likes Josh. Well, at least, likes the attention Josh is giving her. Or maybe she just likes peanut butter. Who knows.
In slightly less interesting news, new dude John James has both Millie and Tash after him. In fact, they both even happen to wear the same swimsuit around him, much to Tash’s annoyance.
Turns out John James isn’t interested in Tash, so he does the mature thing and makes Tayla break the news to Tash on his behalf. It’s like primary school all over again. Hopefully no one catches cooties! In the adult world, we call that chlamydia.
Meanwhile, Eden wrote Erin a really bad poem and she got a bit teary and they took their love and horniness to Love Island’s ‘hideaway’ room. Basically it’s a place where they can do the sex without numerous other couples in the same room as them.
And that’s a wrap on week one! And yes, we only have a two-day break before it all begins again.
