We Doubt You Missed It, But Here’s What Went Down In The First Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’
Well, it’s back. We’ve waited months since our last Bachy fix and finally the Honey Badger Osher is gracing our screens on a weekly basis again.
As we know the first episode is always a hot mess – there’s a bunch of people whose names we will barely recall by tomorrow, and I’m not even talking about the guys I swiped on Tinder during the ad break.
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As Honey Badger and Osher banter to open the show, the Badge hits us with one of the classic lines he definitely hasn’t repeated in most interviews since he became Australia’s chosen one:
Osher is thrilled that they had to do 20 takes to film this scene:
The parade of ladies arrive. Imagine thinking you’re arriving for Matty J 2.0 and you open the limo door to everyone’s dad in the ’80s. Wild.
Most of the ladies, however, are thrilled by the charms of our Aussie larrikin, because nothing makes your ovaries tingle than someone saying “How’s it goin’ darl?”.
The first girl Shannon talks about how painting helped her through her last breakup. “I’d have a few reds, paint a picture,” she said. Tbh I relate, after my breakup I had a few wines and bagged out my ex on Twitter so it’s always nice to have a creative outlet.
We meet Brooke who loves AFL and NRL and has no freakin’ clue who the Honey Badger is.
The two toss a footy around and Brooke tells him to grip it like a hamburger. Ironically I am also gripping a hamburger right now but like a legit one. My boyfriend wouldn’t catch it when I threw it at him pretending it was a footy, but probably because I don’t have a boyfriend so it just hit the wall and now it’s sliding down sadly like a-
Never mind. I got distracted.
We get some wifey music for Brittany, who I’m still mad that I didn’t get in the office sweep. Brittany and the Badge were both born in Port Macquarie, at the same hospital and are the same age!! They even have the same parents!
Just kidding. I made that last bit up.
The two laugh about being born in Port Macquarie as though it’s the funniest thing in the world. I guess it’s only a joke you’d understand if you grew up there. Whatever.
Brittany has travelled to 49 countries and suggests the Honey Badger could be her 50th. I don’t think Brittany understands how countries or boyfriends work at this stage.
Cayla arrives next with her crystal. She tells the Badge that she’s put her “intentions” in her crystals – her intentions are to fall in love, have his children, and wear a lock of his curly mullet around her neck.
Cayla suggests that maybe the Badge should sleep with her crystal on his bedside table. He looks mortified.
We meet Cat. She is from Bali. We know this because she tells us 759 times.
Anyway we don’t have all night, do we? I certainly don’t anyway! I have a lot of things to attend after doing this recap! Like my bed.
The most important thing to note of all the girls we fly past is that we meet Cass who has met the Badge before.
They go to the same gym! Kind of like how Matty J and Laura went to the same gym but they never met, remember? Well, so they said.
Anyway, Cass is pretty stoked to see the Badge. The two have apparently been on “a few dates” before. You know how the old saying goes: If it doesn’t work in the real world, apply for a national reality dating show and give it a red hot crack there instead.
I’m pressing fast-forward now. We’ve met the important players.
Oh, but how could I forget the most important!
Osher arrives to show everyone that they’ve successfully taken Badge’s balls and will keep them safe until the final rose ceremony.
The ladies find that pretty funny.
We get our first hint of drama for the night with Cat from Bali insisting she’s seen Sophie before. It turns out Cat from Bali’s ex-boyfriend has dated Sophie, so Cat from Bali had seen a picture of her! SCANDALOUS.
You got your whole seat but you only need the edge! Cat from Bali tries to zoom in to publicly humiliate Sophie, but the Badge gets in first. He wants to race their tiny speedboats around the pool. Gym buddy Cass looks on, with barely disguised jealousy.
As the ladies and Badge booze and schmooze, many go to desperate attempts to grab his attention. Never has someone with a mullet been so popular.
For some unkown reason, a different Kayla jumps into the pool.
Unfortunately, the Honey Badger doesn’t even notice, and Kayla managed to escape just before her energy levels depleted.
After lurking after his every move, Gym Buddy Cass finally gets some alone time with Honey Badger. “In a diary, I wrote down goals and dreams that I wanted to happen this year. And… it’s happening right now,” she tells him.
I wish I could unwatch Cass digging herself into that deep, dark hole. But alas, I can’t. So here she is:
Someone save her!!
Eventually, the Badge gives Brooke a rose and a key to unlock his Bach pad. 
I am still not entirely sure if that’s a euphemism or not. Gym Buddy Cass watches on from the shadows.
The rose ceremony sees three ladies, names unknown, get the boot.
We are not unconvinced they were just mannequins there making up some numbers. Though I’m pretty sure one was my office sweep pick. Goddamn it.
