We Rated Every ‘The Bachelorette’ Contestant Based On First Impressions
Pour a glass of $4 pink moscato. Assemble a plate of artisan crackers and overpriced cheeses. Crumble up that Jimmy Nicholson portrait you keep at the bottom of your wallet (it’s a bit weird). It’s Brooke Blurton‘s time to shine on The Bachelorette — and shine she does!
Brooke is here and she’s got the pick of 16 men and women who will duke it out to win her heart this season. And oh boy, they’ve found some characters. We’ve got wifey candidates in Carissa, Holly, Konrad, and Darvid. Jamie-Lee is ahead of the game as the only contestant who already knows Brooke, starring alongside her on The Bachelor, and if that wasn’t enough of a head start, they shared a secret kiss tonight.
Then there are the quirky characters like rapper Matt, and horse girl Emily, along with some potential villains in Jess and Beau. The dynamics between the men and women are already proving to be interesting: tonight the men were afraid to step on any of the women’s toes, with the ladies nabbing time with Brooke first.
The men hung around together doing the bare minimum, as the women made every effort to speak to Brooke (you know, the reason they’re there), which was way too emblematic of the difference between dating men and women in Australia. It’s grim out there!
This season is already about 50 times more fascinating than Jimmy’s and we’re only on episode one. Bring it on! All that’s left to do is what we do best: make sweeping judgements of the new contestants based on the handful of minutes we saw of them tonight.
We rated every The Bachelorette contestant based on first impressions:
Jamie-Lee
AKA The One That Got Away
Jamie-Lee and Brooke pashed on night one — so I reckon she might have a slim chance on this show! After reuniting on the red carpet, in a real The Notebook moment, Jamie-Lee read out a letter she wrote Brooke years ago when she left The Bachelor mansion. “It’s wasn’t over for me and it still isn’t over!” I scream at my TV, sobbing uncontrollably (I’ve been single for a while).
They lost touch after the mansion, but Jamie-Lee always wondered if there was something between them. “I definitely think it was more than just friends,” Jamie-Lee said in the limo. Brooke reciprocated her feelings, telling Jamie-Lee that after she left the mansion, “I was so sad and I thought about you all the time. I’m so grateful that you’re here,” she said. MY GODDAMN HEART!
Can we please adapt this love story into a TV movie ASAP? Jamie-Lee went on to tell Brooke at the cocktail party that “There were so many times at the mansion where I wanted to sneak over to your bed but I didn’t know! It was scary because if I put my feelings out there and you ended up with Nick, I would have lost you as a friend.” Brooke replied, “I’ll be honest with you Jamie, I had feelings for you in the house. But I knew I was there for Nick, I was conflicted,” before adding “I think you’re as beautiful as the day I met you.”
I AM CRYING HERE.
Jamie-Lee yeeted off before the rose ceremony but still got a rose. In short, she at least has a ticket to hometowns.
Most likely to: Become estranged from Brooke for several years but then reunite after building a big house and getting featured in the newspaper. She will need to find about 85 geese and a riverboat.
Darvid
AKA Persian Prince
If you heard this man introduce himself as “Darvid” and shouted at the screen, “Just say David, you pretentious knob!” then… shame on you (and me). This man is full of surprises! His name is actually Darvid, he wears sparkly jackets, and he rolled in on a lawnmower. Upon meeting Brooke’s eye, he simply said “Hey”, like you’d say if you bumped into a work colleague you were avoiding in the photocopy room.
Darvid is a landscaper, he’s Persian, and he and Brooke bond over how their respective cultures. They share tea, and I don’t mean gossiping about their mutual friends (altho Darvid’s cousin’s friend-of-a-friend is totally cheating on his GF, did you hear?!), I mean literal tea. Darvid presents Brooke will a magic lamp and asks her to request three wishes.
My three wishes would be to end poverty, for the pandemic to end, and Arnott’s Shapes to go back to the original recipe. Not in that order.
After meeting Darvid, Brooke says she is already ready for marriage, and she follows through with her plans as he got the first impression rose — meaning he will get the first date. It is on!
Do I think Darvid is going to win? Not really. He’s nice but maybe a little too vanilla to keep Brooke interested.
Most likely to: Think that a Boost smoothie is a cheat meal.
Taje
AKA Nicey McSweets
Taje helped Konrad fashion his ghastly wood monstrosity into a “love seat”, which means she is an angel who must be protected at all costs. While we didn’t get to see Brooke interact too much with Taje, they actually have a lot in common: Taje is a First Nation woman and also studying youth work. Her dealbreaker with Brooke would be “If we were related through mob, which we are not. I checked,” she said in her bio.
After meeting Brooke, Taje couldn’t contain herself. “You’re stunning and I can’t even stare at you,” she said as her eyes darted around the garden, avoiding Brooke’s glance like she was that big snake in the second Harry Potter movie. I get it! Brooke’s beauty can be overwhelming, and I too fear that if I stared directly into her eyes, I might also die instantly. It’s a price you have to pay on this show.
Most likely to: Carry a wand and shout Latin at unsuspecting passersby.
Beau
AKA Villain No. 1
Beau is a lot! He really says some things that I wish he wouldn’t. On the red carpet, he told Brooke that because he’s a photographer-carpenter-builder (aren’t we all!), this means he’s “great with my hands”. I think my ovaries just shrivelled up into my body and escaped out my ears.
He calls her “Brookie”, says repeatedly that she looks “cute AF”, then agrees with Brooke when she says he looks handsome, “I know I do actually,” he boasts. “I like to look good, I like to dress good. Everyone used to say that I was the pretty boy,” he said in his introduction package.
Is this “everyone” just you speaking to yourself in several mirrors, Beau? I do the same thing.
Shit gets weird when he forces Brooke to do an impromptu photoshoot, before actually telling her that he’s pleased to have a “personal stash of photos” of her. After their interaction, Beau announces, “She loves me already! I feel good!” Meanwhile, Brooke is vomiting in her mouth.
I suspect that Beau could just be putting up an arrogant front in the first episode, and probably will run out of steam as the season continues.
Most likely to: Call all his exes “crazy” or “psycho”.
Jess
AKA Villain No. 2
By day Jess is a software sales executive, by night Jess steals love seats from unsuspecting carpenters. Jess provided the main conflict on tonight’s episode when she brought Brooke to Konrad’s “love seat”, which he went to so much effort in jazzing up i.e. Taje added three cushions. This was not on!! But it was pretty funny.
After commandeering Konrad’s creation, Jess told the group she had no regrets and had planned it all along. “It was a bit of fun” she grinned. “Sometimes you got to do what you’ve got to do.”
Fam, we have a villain! Jess reminds me of the OG Bachy villains like Keira — they’re not particularly mean or insidious, they just cop an edit where everything they say is accompanied by sassy jazz, painting their every action as mischievous. We stan Jess!
Most likely to: Complain about her edit after the show airs.
Holly
AKA Brooke Superfan
Holly is a marketing administrator and dancer, who watched Brooke on The Bachelor — so she’s been crushing on Brooke for ages. “She’s beautiful on the outside and she’s beautiful on the inside,” she said ahead of her arrival. It sounds like Holly is a Brooke stan, I suspect she has all her Instagram posts printed out and pinned to every wall in her house.
But for reals, Holly and Brooke are actually quite cute together, they slow-danced while complimenting each other over and over again. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is!
Most likely to: Already have her wedding to Brooke planned. (The colour palette is turquoise and peach, with a modern rustic theme.)
Kurt
AKA Budgie Smuggler
Kurt is a sport’s mentor which is definitely a real job that exists. I consider myself quite the dumpling ambassador, while on weekends I often work as a wine advisor. On the red carpet, Kurt gave Brooke togs with her name on the back, before revealing at the party he was wearing a matching pair of budgie smugglers.
Kurt is already smitten with Brooke to the point that when in her presence, he forgets how to form coherent sentences. “She’s just stunning, she’s just…just…just… ahh yeah,” Kurt said when she arrived at the cocktail party. Hopefully he finishes that sentence on tomorrow’s episode. Until then, I’m on the edge of my seat!
Most likely to: Text someone five minutes after a first Tinder date, “I had the best time! Let’s do this again soon! Maybe we should just get married?? Jk! Hahahah. Unless?? JK! Hahahah. But actually?”
Steve
AKA He Seems Nice
I don’t remember much about podiatrist Steve, except for him telling Brooke upon meeting her that “you look even better in person!” I know this is meant to be a compliment, but I’m taking that as him actually saying “on TV you looked like a hideous sea wench!”
Most likely to: Request feet pics.
Ryan
AKA This Man With This Face
There he is! This man is definitely a contestant on The Bachelorette, that much I know is true. Judging from this image, which is definitely not the first time I’ve laid eyes on this *checks notes* man named Ryan, he only likes to fasten one button on a suit that has two buttons — an absolute madman! Watch out Brooke, Ryan is a real rule-breaker! Hide your buttons!
Most likely to: Smile with his mouth while standing on his legs.
Emily
AKA Horse Girl
All I know about Emily is she brought a tiny horse, a tiny horse that was never explained. The tiny horse is still roaming the mansion to this day, the llamas have adopted her as their own kin. Good for them.
Most likely to: Always come armed with some cool horse facts.
Konrad
AKA The Dark Horse
Konrad is a charismatic carpenter, who arrived dressed as a tradie before reappearing later in a dapper suit. That’s called range. “I think people judge me by appearance a lot of the time, thinking I’m going to be a typical, maybe athletic, staunch kind of guy, but I’m sensitive — I’m a hopeless romantic,” he said in the limo.
Konrad got Brooke to help assemble a “love seat” which he made for her. The love seat itself is a sad timber eyesore that gives me splinters just looking at it. But Brooke is charmed (tbh he is adorable). She wanted to sit on it but Konrad requested to go get changed first. “Are you trying to run away from me?” she asks, which happens to be what I said to my elderly Australia Post delivery driver today when he fled after I wrote my phone number down instead of signing. (Again, I’m extremely single.)
Later in the night, Konrad said he was “starting to feel some percolation in the stomach” ahead of his chat with Brooke. I… don’t know what to do with that information. When he finally built up the courage to take Brooke to the love seat, Jess stole his thunder by taking her there instead. “I’m not a fan,” Konrad said afterwards regarding Jess. You know what they say, all’s fair in love (seats) and war.
Most likely to: Build Jess a hate canoe.
Ritu
AKA I Think Maybe She’s… Good?
Ritu was lovely (I think?), I wish we saw more of her. After meeting Brooke, she said, “We connected eyes and we held hands. I seriously felt really relaxed and that’s a big green flag for me,” which is the only time there has ever been green flags exhibited on this whole show.
Most likely to: Probably make it to the final five without ever getting a backstory, or speaking to Brooke for longer than two minutes.
Johann
AKA DEAD TO ME
Gone but… also forgotten.
Most likely to: Never be thought of or spoken of again.
Matt
AKA Mattomatic
Matt raps at Brooke. I don’t know why. “Well hey Bachette, it’s time to see! See if I’m right for you and you’re right for me,” he begins. “Who knows where this journey will go, could be a bumpy ride with highs and lows,” he finishes before shouting, “Peace!!!!” That rap was… that rap… that rap… definitely happened.
“I didn’t think I can rap, I don’t think still that I can rap,” Matt said afterwards. You don’t say! This is pretty much all we hear from Matt all night, but according to his bio, when asked about his idea of a perfect date, he said “a picnic with a cheese platter, wine, music and a sunset”.
You are absolutely on the wrong show, Matt! Kindly see yourself out.
Most likely to: Drop a breakup track the second he leaves the mansion.
Bec
AKA Boss Bitch
Bec is a charity officer, who is fond of cats and potatoes. When asked what her biggest flaw is in relationships, she said, “I forget where everything is”. I dearly hope that her cats and potatoes are OK. Praying she didn’t bake her cat into a shepherds pie, and send a bag of potatoes to the vet.
But I stan Bec, mostly for one comment she made at the cocktail party. “If I can be completely honest with you, I think women are so much more intimidating than men,” she correctly told Matt. Amen sis.
Most likely to: Be the perfect friend to help coauthor a breakup text.
Carissa
AKA The Winner
Carissa is a psychologist from the Gold Coast and the winner of The Bachelorette. OK, I don’t know that for sure but she got the whimsical music when she arrived, which often correlates to the wifey edit.
She told Brooke that after the death of both her parents, she started noticing rainbows everywhere, so she painted Brooke a rainbow on a turtle. Brooke reveals she saw a rainbow on the way to the mansion that day, and a turtle happened to be the totem animal she identified with.
“So much synchronicity, hey!” Carissa said, stunned. I don’t believe in soulmates but if I did, this would be it.
I like Carissa, her dress looks like she just stumbled into a Spotlight, rolled around in the loose material bin, and then stepped onto the red carpet. That’s aspirational to me.
Most likely to: Say the word “synchronicity” until someone tells her to stop.
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The Bachelorette airs Wednesday and Thursday nights at 7:30pm on Channel 10.