I Finally Finished ’30 Days Of Yoga’ With Adriene & I Have Questions

I don’t work out often, but I own a yoga mat and tbh that’s all you need to at least appear “active” these days.

Towards the end of last year I decided to: be healthy.

This, for me, meant drinking those terrible green smoothies that taste like compost, eating not so many hot chips, and committing to do yoga EVERY DAMN DAY.

Upon my first search of yoga tutorials on YouTube, I found by far the most popular entry was Adriene’s videos. Yoga with Adriene dominates YouTube, with a whopping 4.2 million subscribers she absolutely smashes all the competitors that have come before and after her.

You can even buy Adriene merchandise emblazoned with her motto ‘Find What Feels Good’, a fairly obvious instruction she says in all her videos.

Saying that, there is something special about Adriene. She is a supportive instructor, offering comforting words like “if you fall we’ll catch you” throughout her daily yoga cycle. She might shit me to tears, but I also really want to be her best friend.

While I committed to do her ’30 Days of Yoga’ challenge, in truth it took me a good 50 days to get through, mostly ‘cos I’m lazy/forgetful and also because…you’re not MY MOTHER, Adriene. But now that I’m finished, I have several questions and I demand answers.

Here are some questions I’d like Adriene to answer:

1. You start all your videos with ‘Hi my friends!’ but won’t accept my friend request on Facebook? Do you practice on a yoga mat made of lies?

2. Why do all your routines involve two extremes? It’s either ‘kill me now I’m dying’, or ‘argh I’m soo bored Adriene, I don’t need to be reminded to breathe through my nose or appreciate my own soul!’

3. Why does every damn exercise need to start and end in downward facing dog? I’m so conditioned to do this that I often find myself doing downward dog as a reflex. I accidentally did it on my morning commute and the people on my train didn’t seem to appreciate it!

4. While we’re on topic, can I have your dog? Seriously. He’s actually doing downward dog. I can’t deal.

5. When you say I should take responsibility for my own happiness does that mean I can change the channel back to Vanderpump Rules?

6. Is it weird that I hear you whisper “step or hop it back to plank” in my dreams every night?

7. PLEASE, NO MORE VINYASA?!

8. After doing 10 minutes of this damn exercise, how do you have the nerve to demand I soften my face and smile? LET ME LIVE, ADRIENE.

9. I don’t know what you’re smoking but putting my legs behind my head never makes me feel “yummy”. Does it really do that for you?

10. U ok here, hon? (I’m scared.)

11. How do I actually breathe into the soles of my feet? Can you provide a diagram?

12. On day 22 you start out saying “so today we’re going to begin on all fours.” Do you think I haven’t heard that before you sexy minx?

13. If I stay in this position for the entire practice, does it still count as yoga?

Since completing the 30-day challenge, as frustrated as I get with Adriene, I can’t imagine a week where I don’t do one of her tutorials. I think I’ve found myself in a Stockholm Syndrome situation and now I can’t imagine my life without her.

My captor is now my everything.

I love you Adriene. (Pls accept my friend request.)