Two Experts Answer The Sex Questions You’ve Been Too Afraid To Google
Back in the day, many of us turned to the sealed section of magazines like Dolly or Girlfriend to teach us the important sex ed topics that were hardly covered at school.
From dealing with first crushes to first times, many of those magazines were a bible to anyone growing up in the ’00s.
With magazines slowly becoming a thing of the past, it’s now Google and websites that help us navigate our tricky sex questions. Searching things on an incognito browser may be the new way of peeking at a sealed section after all.
But hey, chances are we’re all adults here. If not, please go ask your mum if you can still be reading this article.
So when we were given the opportunity to ask two Lovehoney sexologists a whole bunch of questions, you better believe we were excited to get their insight into some of the things people in the late teens, twenties, and even thirties were too embarrassed to ask or Google. After all, Lovehoney is all about celebrating sexual wellness and happiness, so who better to ask?
We asked Punkee readers to submit the sex questions they’ve always wanted answers to but were too afraid to ask, and Lovehoney’s resident sexologists, Cam Fraser and Chantelle Otten, answered.
“How do I achieve orgasm more easily with a man? I’ve never been able to, but with vibrators I can.”
“While orgasms shouldn’t necessarily be the goal of sex, they are a mental game as much as a physical game. But there are some tips to help you through this! Get familiar with what it does for you first. Pay attention to what your body and mind do right before you’re about to climax. Take this energy with you into the bed with your partner. Communication is key here. If you’re able to get yourself off, you know what you like, it’s just applying it to partnered sex instead of solo-play. Guide them during sex, describe what you want them to do to you – it’s unbelievably sexy.”
“First and foremost, I recommend removing the goal of orgasming and enjoy the experience. Not being able to orgasm during partnered sex is definitely a shared experience for a lot of people and is nothing to be ashamed of! Basically, the penis is nowhere near the clitoris, and because most vulva owners need clitoral stimulation to try and even get close to climax, then you or your partner need to give it a helping hand (literally). Use a lubricated hand, or toys to play with the clitoris for the best pleasure possible.
“Try playing with yourself during partnered sex. Positions like doggy or getting on top, provide easy access to clitoral stimulation so you can go acoustic or whip out the toys here! Wand vibrators are great for partnered play and can be used to enhance pleasure for both parties. Clitoral stimulation toys are also small enough to not get in the way during partnered sex, providing pleasure sensations for you and one hell of a sexy show for him!”
What’s the secret to squirting?
“For some women, squirting (or female ejaculation) can just happen during sex or stimulation of the vulva, however, women’s bodies are all so different. Focus on enjoying the act of sex and intimacy, as opposed to how much liquid you can expel from your vagina, and you’ll get a lot more out of sex.”
“Firstly, not everyone can squirt, so don’t beat yourself up if it’s difficult. But, it’s always good to give it a few tries and to enjoy the process. A lot of women love squirting and would like to know how to perform this more on command.
“It can be tricky and you may have to practice the technique, but here are my top tips to help a gal out. Masturbation and foreplay are absolutely key in your squirting quest. Make sure your partner engages with you all over before heading south. You will need to be relaxed and wet, if not, use lube in the vagina and around the clitoris. Using your partner’s fingers or a G-Spot vibrator, target the G-Spot — a rougher, fleshier part of the vagina that feels spongy. It is about 2-3 cm into the roof of the vagina. Keep engaging and stroking the G-spot with a ‘come hither’ motion, it can be tricky but eventually, you will get the technique just right and your arms will be getting a workout. Try not to overthink it all and just go with your body.”
How can you have better sex when you have vulvodynia?
“If you have vulvodynia, vestibulodynia or vaginismus, enjoying sex is possible, it’s just about discovering your ‘how’. Sex doesn’t have to mean penetration, if clitoral stimulation doesn’t hurt, stick to it. Or try mutual masturbation with your partner. New Lovehoney research revealed Aussies’ love for mutual masturbation with over 30% of us having masturbated with a partner, and one in ten stating it’s their preferred way to masturbate. Lean into the various other acts that define sex and go with what works for your body.”
“A lot of women experience pain during intercourse whether it’s because of vulvodynia or other reasons, but the good news is there are ways around this so you can enhance your sex life. First things first, regardless if you’re already wet, you can always stand to be wetter. Lube acts as a buffer, helping with sexual pain caused by friction, water-based lubricant is typically the safest for sensitive skin. Now, bring the toys in! Sex toys are literally designed to increase arousal and the more turned on you are, the less likely you are to experience pain. If clitoral stimulation doesn’t hurt, embrace clitoral vibrators. If you’re really wanting to go with penetrative, inserting a cool or warm stainless steel dildo can help reduce pain. Experiment with your body and discover what your pleasure is – don’t rush and if something arouses you, focus on that and go with it!”
Can certain exercises lead to better sex?
“There’s definitely evidence out there which suggests exercising on a regular basis can improve sexual function. If you’re looking for particular exercises to improve your sex life try cardio exercises such as jogging, core training to help strengthen your abdomen which will help you switch positions and stay balanced, and pelvic floor exercises which will help tighten your pelvic muscles and make you last longer and feel better.”
“100%! One of the libido-boosting effects of exercise is the release of endorphins, making us feel happier and hornier. It also increases blood flow which can lead to increased arousal. Regular exercise helps improve self-esteem, and if we feel sexier and more confident in the bedroom, we’re more likely to let go and enjoy ourselves more easily, resulting in better sex.”
How do you do Kegel exercises?
“For those who don’t know what Kegel exercises are, they are simple clench-and-release exercises that you can do to make the muscles of your pelvic floor stronger. The first tip is to locate your pelvic muscles. For both men and women try to pretend you are holding in gas. Then practice the contractions standing and sitting. Try contracting for 3-5 seconds and see how this feels. Then relax and repeat for up to 10 times.”
“The good thing about this exercise is that you can literally do it anywhere without people wondering what is going on. The exercise is very simple to achieve and can have huge benefits that will improve both men and women’s sex lives. Make sure your bladder is completely empty and sit or lie down somewhere comfortably. If you want an added challenge to enhance your workout look at adding weighted Kegel exercisers and sets.”
Where exactly is my G-spot?
“The easiest way to find the G-spot is through self-exploration. First, make sure you are relaxed and fully aroused before inserting your finger or sex toy into your vagina. The G-spot will swell the more aroused a woman gets. Try to insert your (or your partner’s) finger, and search for a fleshy, ridged area that feels different from the rest of the vagina. You’re not hitting a ‘button’ but a region that feels good. Find it? Bullseye. Welcome to your G-spot. Want to see how you can take your G-spot orgasms further? Try out G-Spot vibrators!”
“Guys, the G-spot does exist! And once you find it, you can thank me later. First things first, you need to know where to look. The G-spot is about two inches in and one inch up inside of the vagina. But all women are different, so you may need to explore further. You’ll be looking for a part of the vagina that feels a little rough. Once you’ve found it (well done) you may be able to unlock that ever-elusive dual vaginal and clitoral orgasm.
“For men, the prostate is commonly referred to as the male G-spot or P-spot. The prostate is a walnut-sized gland located just below the bladder and if you’re exploring anally is located about two inches inside the rectum. If you’re wanting to experience P-spot level orgasms, definitely get your hands on a prostate massager.”
How do I spice up my sex life with my significant other to bring the passion back?
“It happens to even the strongest of couples, at the start you can’t keep your hands to yourself but over time the spark can fizzle. To regain this spark, start with ditching the idea that sex is easy and spontaneous. Like any other aspect of a relationship, you need to put in the effort. A lot of the time, relationships lose their spark simply because you and your partner fall into the same old pattern and routine. So, try something new together. Try flicking through a sex book such as Lovehoney’s Do You Come Here Often? Role Play Book or Play With Me: An Activity Book for Adults, and be inspired by its suggestions.”
“If you’re looking to ‘connect’ a little more with your partner and bring back that heightened experience of intimacy and passion, here are two exercises I recommend:
- If you are in bed, switch off both phones and put down books. This time is set aside for something more important – your sex life, your partner, yourself. We as humans crave touch. Touch releases endorphins (happy hormones) and the hormone oxytocin (the love hormone). These lovely hormones will not only increase intimacy and desire, but will also help you sleep better than almost anything else you can do before bed.
- Remember when you were young, kissing was fun, daring and exciting, plus it wasn’t just ‘the step’ that lead to sex! Guess what? It still is awesome. Kissing is a key component to redeveloping intimacy in a long-term relationship and we often rush through kissing, forgetting how intimate it actually is. For 10-minutes, explore your partner’s mouth with yours. Hold their face in your hands. Slow down and really enjoy how wonderful it is to kiss someone you love so deeply. Kissing is a conversation and it’s one that you don’t want to rush through. Sure, some touching/groping/grinding might naturally occur in your 10+ minute make-out session and that’s totally fine, but let the kissing take centre stage for a while. I ensure you will be delighted with the benefits kissing adds to your sexual play.”
What are some tricks or trips to blow his/her mind the first time we have sex?
“Broadening your definition of sex — sex isn’t just penetrative, it incorporates all activities that give pleasure and stimulation. Don’t follow a rigid pattern, be curious and communicate with your partner, ask what they like and gets them off, be present and in the moment taking cues from their sounds, facial expressions, and movements. But most importantly, be confident!”
“Focus on pleasure, intercourse shouldn’t be the goal of intimacy. Think of sex as an umbrella, kissing, touching, mouth, hand and anal play all fall under it. Explore one another’s erogenous zones, building arousal and awakening our senses. Don’t rush, take your time. Ask them what they want and like and listen to their response and pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues. A water-based lube is a great all-rounder particularly when playing.”
What is Coital Alignment Technique?
“Coital Alignment Technique, often referred to as CAT, is a modified version of missionary style sex, where pleasure is enhanced. Basically your partner positions themselves higher so the penis or penetrative item hits the clit. It works best when the top partner instead of thrusting up and down slides up and down providing consistent clitoral stimulation. It might not work or feel quite right at first, but have patience and explore and experiment with what works for you and your partner. It often works and enhances penis and vagina penetrative sex, as most women orgasm and climax with clitoral stimulation.”
“While this technique is often referred to when discussing penetrative penis inside the vagina sexual activities — it can be achieved by getting inventive and creative with the right accessories. This one is great for vulva owners, as it promotes external clit stimulation and internal penetration at the same time. The top partner sits higher up and positions themselves closer to their partners and grinds rather than thrusting. Rhythm is very important, so incorporating music may assist in keeping the movements consistent. Positioning is also key, using props like a pillow or sex furniture to prop the pelvis upward will be beneficial.”
Why do men jackhammer?
“Men can be excited and get carried away, which can lead to the jackhammer or it can be due to inexperience so this technique is then assumed. Either way, if you find yourself in a sexual situation you find uncomfortable, let your partner know they need to slow it down.”
“It might be lack of experience or the fact that they haven’t been told before if this isn’t pleasurable for their partner. As sexual partners we need to be asking our other half what they like and what they want. Let them know what you like and that you want them to slow the pace a little. Being honest will make the experience more enjoyable for everyone.”