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Bizarre Life Advice I Found In My ‘Dolly’ & ‘Girlfriend’ Diaries From The Noughties

If you want to entertain yourself while self-isolating, I seriously recommend unearthing and reading your teenage diaries — if you’re lucky enough to still have them.

Thankfully, I somehow still own all my diaries from my high school years, largely because as a teen I was a low-key hoarder and refused to throw anything away.

Like many Aussies, I grew up reading Girlfriend and Dolly magazines and was a diehard fan, so naturally I also bought the magazine’s annual diaries. I had a Girlfriend diary between 2000 and 2001, then mixed it up with the Dolly diary from 2002 to 2003 because I ain’t no basic bitch.

I dug them up from my old toy chest and here they are in all their dusty glory (Ryan Phillippe, I see you):

My diaries are mostly filled with deranged ramblings about my crush, but upon a recent re-read I discovered that the diaries themselves include pages of life/dating tips, and a lot of the advice is just bizarre. Like, no wonder I turned out to be such a mess of a human.

Here are some of the most bizarre life lessons from Dolly & Girlfriend diaries from the ’00s:

#1. Paint a picture of a guy to get his attention

“A good way to get a guy’s attention is to paint a piccie of him over the basketball court,” my 2000 Girlfriend diary told me. No, Girlfriend. Do not do this. Do not paint a guy to get his attention…ever.

Would this mean bringing a range of paints and a canvas to a basketball court?! You’re out of control, Girlfriend!!

#2. Dress like Minnie Mouse

I don’t think I’ve thought of a cartoon mouse as my style icon since I was about six years old but go off. “Forget pointy shoes. Get into the rounded toe — they’re so much more comfortable and exquisitely Minnie Mouse,” the Girlfriend diary advises.

#3. Send your crush several V-Day cards

I would think that one card on Valentine’s Day would be enough, but my old Girlfriend diary reckons, “Send a card to your secret crush today. If you’ve got it really bad for him, send him several!” OK!

#4. Bribery is the best way to get what you want

This Dolly diary got dark real quick. Was this written by Blair Waldorf?!

#5. If you’re feeling depressed…have a muffin

Girlfriend’s mental health advice actually reads: “Cool fact! People who eat breakfast are less likely to get depressed. So grab a muffin and get smiling!”

Please ignore this and consult a mental health professional.

#6. Get rich by never spending your savings — ever

The best way to save money is apparently to, “Regularly put money away in a special account and don’t touch it — ever. Just pretend it never existed!” Err….thanks?

#7. There’s nothing cooler than being a rock chick

Dolly reckons that it’s worth learning guitar purely for street cred, so that you can call yourself a “rock chick”. I still believe this, tbh.

#8. If all else fails, just straight-up stalk your crush

I’m deeply confused by this next life lesson. This advice lined the bottom of my 2000 Girlfriend diary and here’s the dating tip in full:

“Ways to get a guy’s attention: set up a tent outside his house, join his football team or simply stare at him!” Yikes.

Was this sarcasm in the year 2000!? It’s not clear at all. Either way, I’m deeply concerned.

After reading the wisdom imparted on me throughout high school by my old Dolly/Girlfriend diaries — which are basically a teenage girl’s bible — I’m starting to realise why I am the way that I am.