An Actual Sexpert Answers All The Questions You’re Too Embarrassed To Ask
With Valentine’s Day approaching, whether you’re single or coupled up, it’s hard not to be in the mood for romance – and by romance I’m absolutely talking about sex.
But with sex often comes a lot of awkward moments, especially if you’re young or inexperienced. You can be left with questions you wished you had the bravery to ask in sex ed, and Dr. Google often doesn’t cut it. So, we’ve scoured internet forums (aka Reddit) to find some of the most common Q’s people are too embarrassed to ask and found a sexpert to answer.
We chatted to Love Honey ambassador and award-winning sex therapist and relationship specialist Chantelle Otten and asked her some of the more common embarrassing sex questions.
A sexpert answers the questions you’re too embarrassed to ask:
#1. Can a vagina be too narrow to fit a particularly large penis?
The vagina is a functional part of the anatomy – it is longer than you think at three-four inches long and is designed to expand when sexually aroused (by up to 200%!), so it’s highly unlikely it couldn’t fit a large penis. People think it’s great to have a well-endowed partner, however, sex can be uncomfortable if you’re not warmed up or fully in the mood. To help the P fit into the V easily, ensure there’s plenty of foreplay, and always use lubes to reduce friction.
#2. Should you be concerned if you can only orgasm alone?
There is absolutely no cause for concern if you can only orgasm by yourself – it’s clear you know your body, and that’s a great thing! However, to help with achieving the big O with a partner, a little more communication and ‘physical’ guidance can go a long way.
Next time you’re having some sexy time with your significant other, be vocal when they’re touching the right spot or suggest where they need to go to help you climax together. If you’re feeling a little kinky, you could even let your partner watch you make yourself orgasm, so they can see what really gets you going.
#3. Should a guy warn a girl if he’s going to ejaculate in her mouth?
Absolutely. Everyone should get consent before they ejaculate in a partner’s mouth. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ve probably decided what you’re comfortable with and have set boundaries. However, if it’s a new relationship, always ask, or even better, have a conversation before starting.
#4. Can all women squirt? Or is it a special talent?
The action of squirting can come down to how much your pelvic floor contracts during orgasm. To strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, try a Kegel Training Set. A lot of women love squirting and would like to know how to perform this more on command. If done right, the bedsheets will be wet and you’ll both be smiling.
#5. What should you do if a guy says he can’t ejaculate while wearing a condom?
To quote Sex Education on Netflix, “it’s your right for your partner to use a condom,” not to mention the importance of safe sex. I understand that some guys may feel a little desensitised by condoms, but there are plenty of variations (styles, textures, flavours, thicknesses etc.) to counteract that. Wearing a condom is for your safety. Your partner can always pull out, take off the condom and masturbate instead, either finishing next to you or making it kinky and finishing on you!
#6. Can you ever watch too much porn?
If your porn habit is affecting you, your relationships, and how you go about your day to day life, it may be time to have a rethink. However, generally speaking, if you’re using it as an arousal tool for yourself and with your partner, it’s perfectly normal and healthy.
We can tell if too much porn is being watched when it is hard to get aroused by real-life eroticism (not fantasy, like pornography). If erections are becoming harder to maintain, or if you are just ‘banging one out’ and orgasming quickly with or without someone, we could have a chat about how to change that.
The fact is, porn actually doesn’t help you be more creative, it doesn’t help you relate to your sexual partner, it is high intense sexuality and low emotion. Porn can actually make you less responsive to pleasure – it conditions your brain and body to know it is a quick means of arousal, and overtime the dopamine release that you would usually get starts to decrease, meaning that you are not feeling pleasure as much, you are just on autopilot to ‘getting off’.
#7. When should women start doing Kegel exercises?
The benefit of a strong pelvic floor cannot be underestimated. Kegel exercises and Kegel balls can help tone your pelvic floor, giving you more intense orgasms. It’s a well-known fact that the older you get; the weaker your pelvic floor muscles get. However, there’s no set age to start using them, so if you’re intrigued and want to intensify the big O, start with a Kegel Training Kit now!
#8. Is it bad to fake orgasms?
You’re doing yourself and your partner no favours if you ‘fake it’, as you’re not getting to experience what really turns you on. However, it is important not ‘just’ to focus on having an orgasm with your partner, it’s also about intimacy together, having fun and enjoying what you both like.
Whilst orgasms are nice, it seems we can miss the point of eroticism in general; having fun, being creative and finding pleasure. So if you are, ask yourself why? Because it’s better to learn how to please yourself and show your sexual partner, or take over on the last leg then pretending they are the orgasm lord. You don’t need an orgasm for sex to be successful, 12% of women can’t orgasm anyway! Remember that 70% of women cannot orgasm through penetration, so using a clitoral vibrator would help your orgasm potential immensely.
#9. Why do straight women enjoy watching lesbian porn?
Many straight women enjoy lesbian porn, and that’s cool. One of the reasons it is enjoyed is because it’s a fantasy, it might not ever happen but it’s sexy and fun to think about. It can be confusing when your porn preference doesn’t line up with your real-world attractions. However, motivations to search for lesbian porn are varied. Studies show that women are 132% more likely to search for lesbian porn than men*. The basis of this is that porn is an outlet for exploring fantasy rather than real-life preferences.
Straight pornography is often focused on situations that are based around the pleasure of the male, you can see the man’s needs being met but not so much sensual female play, cunnilingus or female genital play. Lesbian porn shows you women giving and receiving pleasure, so it is more relatable, plus easier to fantasise being in that position. For many women, lesbian porn is also seen as less intimidating as hetero porn, without the cringe-worthy portrayals of masculinity.
#10. If you never have penetrable sex (for example, you’re a woman who only has sex with women) are you still a virgin? Does sex with a strap-on count as sex?
Ahhhh virginity. Such a damaging construct. Why do I say this? Because it is categorised by penis in vagina sex… but as you know, that isn’t the only way to have sex, and it also eliminates a lot of the queer community alongside causing anxiety and pressure for many people in the disability population, where the goal of penis in vagina sex is hindered by their disabilities, and their way of gaining sex satisfaction is different to the norm.
Virginity is an old term and is not a possession, it is not something that you can ‘have’ or ‘hold on to’. Withholding from sex is a state of being, and once you have consensual sexual activity that you have decided is for you, then you can say you have had your sexual debut. Nothing has been ‘lost’ because virginity is not something you ‘had’ to begin with. You have simply ‘had sex for the first time’. It can be as big a deal or as small a deal as you want!
#11. Should men always douche before having sex with men (if they’re the bottom)?
Although douches aren’t necessary before anal sex, they are incredibly useful tools to keep play as clean and hygienic as possible. This not only ensures your play won’t be messy, it alleviates any associated fears, helping you to relax into your pleasure. Many people like to douche in particular before enjoying oral stimulation of the anus, known as rimming or analingus.
Douching is preferred case by case, remember sex is always going to be messy, and sometimes things just don’t go to plan! So having a good sense of humour is important and being kind to yourself and your sexual partner is important.
#12. How should you decide who will top or bottom?
Generally, one of you will have a preference. Again, communication is key, so talk with your partner and try and get an understanding of their sexual preferences and go from there. Part of the fun is finding out what each other likes and what works for you as a couple – no two couples are the same and no two will enjoy the same sexual experiences.