I Watched Netflix Raunchfest ‘365 Days’ & I Have Many Questions
Post-lockdown horniness has reached its peak with the absolute hysteria that Netflix’s 365 Days has inspired in recent weeks. People are truly hot for it.
The film is a Polish erotic drama that follows a Sicilian mafia boss who kidnaps a woman and gives her 365 days to fall in love with him. Ugh, yeah. It’s a lot. I watched it for the first time this week and ooft, it is bonkers. It’s like the entire 50 Shades trilogy jammed into one movie — but far raunchier.
— Shealtiel Henson (@ShealtielHenso2) June 13, 2020
It’s important to note that the film’s narrative — an abusive and controlling dynamic between its protagonist Massimo and Laura — is definitely confronting, but the acting and dialogue is also so absurd that it’s hard to take it seriously. But if we can set this aside, and just focus on the film as a form of erotica, well the extremely realistic sex scenes are actually pretty groundbreaking — and clearly something that viewers are responding to, as the movie stands at number one on Australian Netflix right now.
Saying that, the film itself just doesn’t make a lot of sense. It has plot holes deeper than the Mediterranean Sea and it left me with more questions than answers.
I watched 365 Days on Netflix and have many questions:
We open on the island of Lampedusa in the Mediterranean (actually a real place) and a bunch of guys are doing mafia business on the roof of this giant concrete building.
#1. Wouldn’t it be smarter to have this secret meeting inside rather than in plain sight?
#2. We meet Massimo and his dad and this man trying to solicit human trafficking. We breeze past that and Massimo spots a woman on the beach (it’s Laura!) OK, THINGS HAVE ESCALATED. The dad is dead, he got shot. Does this mean the son inherits this big-as-shit building?
#3. Is this song the Eurovision winner from 2015?
It’s so dramatic, I feel like Massimo needs a wind machine. We then flash to five years later and Massimo is in a board meeting shouting about his family’s mafia money.
#4. Next, Massimo and his mafia friend are flying to Sicily in a private plane. Is this normal small talk?
Ok?? Good to know, I guess.
#5. All of a sudden, umm the flight attendant is giving Massimo a blow job. Is this because he’s in the mafia or just because he’s hot?
The facial expressions he’s pulling are going to give me night terrors.
#6. Meanwhile, we meet Laura who has a lazy boyfriend who won’t have sex with her. She’s also travelled to Sicily and when out with her friends she bumps into Massimo in the garden. Was he just standing in the garden waiting for her this whole time?
Mafia hotties must just have loads of spare time to hide behind bushes in Sicilian gardens.
#7. He asks Laura “Are you lost, baby girl?” Is this a normal thing to say to a stranger? Is this a new Tinder line I’ve missed?
— benny 🦋 #30. (@7benitaa) June 12, 2020
#8. Laura later fights with her boyfriend and pushes him in the pool. Is that something people do who aren’t still in high school?
#9. She wanders the streets of Sicily alone and then wakes up locked in Massimo’s bedroom. She tries to escape and finds a portrait of herself on his wall. Is this a horror movie?
#10. Massimo arrives and tells Laura that he has been looking for her for the past five years. He says that when he almost died (at the start of the movie?!) that he saw her face. Why does this mean it’s cool to just kidnap this woman?
#11. Despite the fact his hand is on her boob, he tells her he won’t do anything without her permission. Massimo, do you understand how consent works?
#12. Massimo tells Laura that he will keep her captive for 365 days, so she has time to fall in love with him. Couldn’t he have just asked her on a date first? Why is this his only option??
In the next scene, Massimo is torturing some guy who is tied to a big concrete wheel thing. Then he says this:
#13. Umm, I think we need more background information here?
#14. Back in her room, Laura escapes again. Massimo sucks at locking doors, hey?
She is shot with a tranquilliser and returned to bed, she wakes and they get into a fight.
#15. He then errr…takes her shopping. Seriously what is happening??
Laura begrudgingly agrees to have dinner with Massimo and it reminds me of a scene in Beauty and The Beast.
#16. Although, why don’t I remember this part in the Disney film?
After dinner, they fall asleep together and in the morning Laura has a shower and Massimo joins her.
#17. I’m confused because why is there no soap or shampoo/conditioner in this sex shower??
#18. They fly to Rome and at a bar next to the Colosseum (yes, really), Laura seductively eats an ice cream. Who serves ice cream at a bar? Why does only Laura have one?
Then a bunch of shit goes down. Massimo kills a guy in a rival gang because he sleazes on Laura at a nightclub. Then he and his mafia friend argue about Laura, she apologises, Massimo slut-shames her, she runs away and falls off a boat (oh yeah, they’re on a boat).
#19. Massimo rescues her and she gives him head to say thanks, then he goes down on her and IT’S A LOT. They have sex in many different ways and all over the boat. But umm, where is that other man? Is he watching this whole sex session go down?
— Dumb cow 🐄| BLM FUCK COPS (@1mjordanna) June 11, 2020
#20. Then they attend a ball and are confronted by Massimo’s ex, who threatens to kill Laura. Honestly, nothing shocks me anymore with this movie. Where was this scene filmed and why does it look like a Ricky Martin video?
Massimo freaks and takes Laura back home and releases her. She ain’t thrilled and whinges to her friend about missing him. Bitch, you’re free. Live it up. Her friend tells her that “mozzarella has turned her brain into pesto.”
#21. Does she understand what ingredients go into pesto?
Anyways, we then go into a makeover montage for some reason. While the last hair salon scene we see is Laura getting her brown hair curled, in the next scene she has a blonde bob. Ummm, so they either curled her hair just to bleach it blonde or she got her hair curled just for it to be covered by a wig.
#22. WHY DOES THIS MOVIE MAKE ME SO CONFUSED AND HORNY?
#23. Laura runs into her ex in the club and how is this the only relatable scene in the whole movie?
Her ex follows her home but Massimo is already there waiting for her. I could ask how did Massimo get in, but it’s better just to accept that this movie likes to play fast and loose with reality. They have hot sex again and she tells him she’s in love with him. The next morning he proposes to her but has already put the engagement ring on her finger while she slept.
#24. Can this guy just be normal for two minutes?
Laura introduces Massimo to her parents and then she tells her friend that she’s pregnant before she goes to bridal shop to buy a wedding dress. Massimo’s friend receives a call that “they are about to kill Laura.” He tries to save her but then in the next scene, he tells Massimo she’s dead.
#25. Is she actually dead? We see her drive into a tunnel and never come out. Ummm WOT??
That’s the end. Lots of sex and then Laura and her unborn child are killed by the mafia.
#26. What does this mean? What was the higher purpose of all this? And why do I need to see a sequel IMMEDIATELY?
— – (@louiebayer) June 10, 2020
365 Days is available to stream now on Netflix.