Here’s What Happened When I, A Dainty Woman, Tried To Eat A “Man Sized” Meal
There comes a time in the life of a single woman, where she’s slowly walking through Coles or Woolies, thinking she should make herself a nice, healthy dinner but laziness has taken over. And there it is: the frozen meal section.
Through the harsh, white light of the supermarket, Lean Cuisine, SuperFoods, and McCain’s healthy choice beckons. But there’s a section dedicated amongst all of these perfectly portioned, semi-disgusting looking meals that is carved out just for men.
We’re talking about the section with POWER BOWLS (king sized!) and MAN SIZE meals.
are men okay pic.twitter.com/aDaZ91rwFO
— Joshua Badge (@joshuabadge) January 16, 2020
Men’s frozen meals are designed for them to “fill up on protein to increase muscle”. And as we’re all aware of when it comes to marketing for women’s health it’s all about losing weight or things being “low-calorie’ because god forbid a woman is ever in need of some more food or, idk, some CARBS.
But that’s a whole other rant. The real question here is can a woman buy a MAN SIZE meal and finish it? Can one woman pick up a 50% larger frozen meal with her dainty, delicate little hands and consume the whole bowl of frozen bangers & mash? Would I, a woman, even be allowed to buy it at the checkout, considering I forgot to don my fake moustache and a backwards baseball cap?
There was only one way to find out.
Here’s one woman’s mission to finish a MAN SIZE meal:
Step one: Buy the meal after the gym
I had signed up to a boxing class (manly and fit!) but had to switch out to a yoga class after hurting my back (sad, old lady behaviour!). So I was already on the backfoot and not really feeling my inner masculinity. I was incredibly zen however after lying on a bolster in various positions for an hour.
No one looked at me as I grabbed my MAN SIZE meal from the shelf – I settled on the limited edition chicken pops because it was one of the few meals without cheese, something I cannot stomach. I’m sure if I wasn’t a woman, I would’ve just manned up and eaten the cheese and not been such a coward but sometimes you really can’t fake who you are.
As I scanned the meal at the checkout, I tried to think of what a man would do in this situation, as he waited for his receipt. Scratch their crotch? Cough loudly and unnecessarily? I settled on trying to flex my arms a little, because my muscles were only going to grow bigger after I consumed my dinner. “Soon,” I whispered to my biceps. “You’ll be big and strong soon.”
Step two: Transport the meal home
I thought about getting the train home and man-spreading accordingly, staring nonchalantly into the distance, but I decided to walk. My current Evanescence playlist wasn’t the soundtrack I needed for this brisk walk home however: it definitely wasn’t giving me the searing confidence of a man nor the right swagger in my step. “What music do you reckon straight men listen to?” I asked my best friends. “Why on earth are you asking me that?” one replied. Not helpful.
I decided straight men probably listen to Aussie hip hop. It was a painful walk home but I felt the masculine energy surge through me.
I also decided to test who was loyal out of my Instagram followers to see who thought I would succeed in my mission. I am now slowly going through and blocking anyone who didn’t believe in me.
Step three: Cook the meal
I didn’t read the instructions because who has time for that? Not me, a man! I couldn’t even remove the meal properly without somehow upending it, so be careful of that when you buy one these, my bros.
Turns out it needs to go in longer than three minutes. Try around 7-8 minutes next time, fellas. Here’s the end result:
Step four: Eat the whole thing, no matter what
Normally I’d be watching Married at First Sight but it felt a little more manly to watch Survivor while I ate my dinner. In case you’re wondering what a manly meal consists of, it turns out it was this: peas, corn, mash, gravy, all dotted with some chicken pops.
I think peas are the most useless vegetable of all time, but I wouldn’t let that deter me. I would eat every last one. And I did.
As I finished the last bite, I reflected on how far I’d come – while admiring Hot David’s abs on Survivor. How did I feel? Quite full actually.
But how did I really feel? I felt like I had the confidence of a mediocre white man coursing through my veins. I was ready to jump on Tinder and message “hey” to someone I had never spoken to and be comfortable using that as though it was an interesting greeting. I felt 6-foot tall (because apparently it matters). I felt like I could go into work tomorrow and demand to be on $20k more just because. I felt like next time I went to the gym and did a boxing session with my trainer, he’d be terrified of how big and strong I had become.
The haters said I couldn’t do it and they were wrong pic.twitter.com/tmHBYPXMm9
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) February 24, 2020
In the words of wise philosopher Britney Spears – I’m not a girl. Not yet a woman. I am a MAN SIZE meal.
The meal was edible and let’s be real, frozen meals really are SO small most of the time, feeling full after one was a new sensation. So the marketing isn’t a lie – it probably really is 50% larger which means for once a man is telling the truth about something being bigger than average.
Is the branding of it being MAN SIZE necessary? Absolutely not.
Are people threatened by my newfound masculinity? Well…
And there you have it. One woman’s mission to enjoy and demolish a succulent MAN SIZE meal was successful. BRB, going to go flex in the mirror some more.