10 Oct 2018

SURVIVOR RECAP: Sweet Victory Tastes A Lot Like A BLT

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We have arrived at the end of Australian Survivor for 2018 and I assume the winner’s face will be projected onto the Sydney Opera House in all its glory.

I’ve closed my eyes just for a minute and have awoken to realise Brian has not been sent home. In fact, Brian made it to the final week.

There is actually no God. Life is a meaningless road to nothing.

Not everything has changed tho. Shane and Sharn are still in a firm alliance. Probably because their names are almost identical.

They’ve accepted Shonee into their camp to round out the House Of ‘Sh’. Which sounds a lot like something Lady Gaga’s school library would call itself unironically.

Brian is not welcome in their clan. Instead, Brian spends his days sulking and I just can’t handle his existence, honestly. He is the island’s resident Grumpy Cat.

HOW THE FUCKITY FUCK IS THIS GUY STILL EVEN ALIVE?!?

He doesn’t understand how to wear underpants. Loner Brian sasses his way around camp, hating the earth.

To break up the suffering, he and Sharn are given a secret note which reads that there are two BLTs waiting for them in the jungle.

They can either share the sandwiches between the pair, or the top four can quarter the feast.

Of course Brian being Brian, he chooses the option that ends with him eating both sandwiches himself.

He sits alone unapologetically stuffing his face with food. Which tbh is a regular Friday night for me.

No one has ever looked so villainous chowing down on a BLT.

The challenge is pretty boring but with all of the power extracted from those two BLT sandwiches, Brian somehow wins immunity.

He puffs out his chest like a gorilla, his eyes dead and filled with murderous thoughts. The ladies are thrilled for him.

‘Oh sweet misery, please take me now.’

Shonee’s reaction to Brian somehow escaping another elimination is the BIGGEST MOOD EVER.

With Brian immune from the vote, the ‘Sh’ alliance choose to remove Shonee. She never had a chance, Shane and Sharn are just too similar a name.

I have to bid goodbye to our true queen Shonee.

I’ll always respected how you and Fenella shaded everyone while you never did any jobs at camp. But mostly how you never did any jobs at camp.

‘SURVIVOR 2018 ULTIMATE MVPs’

The top three then head into their weirdest challenge to date. I’m sure the producers are running out of ideas. I can just see the brainstorm sesh, as one intern screams out:

‘JUST MAKE THEM STAND ON BIG STICKS IN THE SEA!’

The ocean beneath them is literally swimming with sharks which makes it slightly more interesting. The main aim of this game is to keep your hands on the idol sitting atop the pole.

A fact Brian seems to totally forget.

Brian is eliminated and so is his chance in the final.

It seems kind of odd that all of a sudden Brian has lost his damn mind.

How did this happen? I’m not strictly saying that in a coordinated effort from Shane/Sharn, some kind of poison must have been slipped into those BLTs, but I’m not not saying that, you know.

I’ll just leave this here…

The House of ‘Sh’ sealed Brian’s fate and he is voted off the island. FINALLY.

Oh, happy day. I’m wrapping my first newborn child up in this vote card and I want it buried with me in my coffin as I descend to hell.

At the final tribal council, all the jury members arrive to decide who would be the winner. Considering juries are supposed to be impartial, this is the shittiest jury of all time.

They are dressed as though they’ve just pulled up for a family BBQ, which is sort of true as Mat and Steve are the dads, Brian is the inappropriate uncle and the rest of the kids don’t want to be there. They prep for the bloodbath as Shane and Sharn are on the spit roast.