SURVIVOR RECAP: Can We Sacrifice Zach For Some Decent Food?

We’re only two weeks into Australian Survivor and I’m hungry already.

I’ve been told Survivor is about starving to death, chasing around deceptive chickens and sleeping in sand. But I don’t really know what they’re on about cos check out what the champs are eating this week.

Excuse me? They ain’t starving, this is a scam. Look at this feast.

This is some MasterChef shit right here.

Over on the other side of the beach, the normies are eating… well, what appears to be a dish comprised of odd shaped rocks, leaves and soil.

I guess this is normal. I’ve never even been camping before. It must be an acquired taste.

In an effort to catch some food that isn’t actually comprised of warm gravel, Steve sets a trap to catch some real meat.

He begins by digging a hole.

He lays down some bait.

Steve patiently awaits…

He’s got a live one! Grab him, Steve! Grab him!

He has deemed pretty-faced Robbie the best meat on offer and he is correct.

It’s a rogue move to try and seduce the hot thottie but I respect it. They become best friends through the act of Chinese fist tango.

With their newfound skills, they head off to compete against the champs again. More games? Okay, I guess.

What appears to go down is some very aggressive cuddling.

‘Don’t leave me!’

‘Take my love! It’s yours!!’

‘I long for your touch!!’

‘Accept my love into your heart!!!!’

‘Just let me love you goddamnit!!!’

Now that the tribes have gotten a lot closer, they each retreat to their own beach hangs.

Over the course of the week, I’ve decided that Zach is evil, or just a dumb villain inserted to give us all a reason to throw chicken nuggets at our TVs. (Just me??)

He addresses women as body parts and is just generally a garbage person that’s bad for the planet.

* Full body shudder *

Luckily, he’s so juiced up off his own arrogance that he totally underestimates the ladies on his tribe. The women plot his demise, and I’m all for it.

The lil Charlie’s Angels crew are calling all the shots and are generally just boss AF. Zach is fucked. R.I.P.

But in the end, instead of getting rid of Zach or Paige, Jenna ended up leaving cos of an injury which is a bummer… mostly because she is not Zach.

In another ep, there was another game that happened. I assume it was based on how many barrels the group can straddle their body parts across.

Here’s the champs best effort:

Here’s the normies:

Yeah, they were pretty similar. I’m calling this a draw.

As darkness falls on the champions team, it’s safe to say Olympic nan Shane has gone a bit bonkers.

She wakes while her team are fast asleep to show the camera operator her secret weapon.

She’s befriended some crustaceans and hopes that they will do her dirty work, keep her safe and knock out the competition.

‘Here are me three secret team members, Shelly 1, Shelly 2 and Shelly 3. They will find my main threat and wipe them out.’

We all thought she was just playing but Shane’s curse works and the most valuable member, Moana, makes a spontaneous omission that she wants to leave at tribal council.

It comes as a massive shock to everyone. Except for Shane. Well played.

‘Good work my pretties, your next mission is to get me a cuppa tea and a nice bickie.’