SURVIVOR RECAP: Welcome To ‘Exile Beach’ Bitch!

We’re back fam. Only two eps of Survivor this week but that doesn’t mean big moves are not being made, and by big moves I mean: I just slid into Robbie’s DMs.

This week ‘Exile Beach’ was introduced for the first time this season and oh man, it is some scary shit but also it’s still much nicer than where I went to schoolies.

But that’s besides the point ‘cos Astrophysicist Bae is wearing the greatest t-shirt I’ve ever seen.

Just look at this.

Two KITTENS are RIDING on a PIZZA.

Not everyone is impressed.

Next up, the teams do a challenge thing. I didn’t hear all the rules but what I can make of it is that the game seems to based on trying to drown your opponent.

The ball being passed around is a mere decoy as the whole challenge is basically competitive drowning.

‘Eat my waves, bitch!’

‘DEATH WILL BE SWIFT!’

‘Come here youuuuuu!’

‘Down you go, sucker!’

The aquatic murder scene continues…

‘I’m sending you to sleep with the fishes!’

‘I’m taking you down with me sea witch!!’

The much better team wins.

The contenders are sent to the bottom of the sea but are resurrected as fish spirits and sent off to Fire Chat.

As Zach casts his vote, he is finally speaking the truth.

‘I am trash. I am trash. I am trash.’

Well, that’s what I heard anyway. He votes for Tegan, as does nearly everyone else.

Tegan ain’t having it.

Neither is Anita, who for some reason is shook beyond belief.

This guy reckons he made everyone vote for Tegan. Who is he?

Anyways, Tegan is voted off the island. But * dum dum dum * plot twist: she is sent to Exile Beach instead.

Tegan is stoked.

Anita is still in shock.

Over at Exile Beach and it is a DISGUSTING, DREADFUL and DESPICABLE place.

I’d rather go to hell than this cesspit of doom.

Tegan takes it like a champ. Speaking of champs, over at the other side of the island things are much rosier.

The contestants are getting to know each other much better.

While the champs think they’re getting gifts from their family, Channel Ten totally borked it and instead sent shitty Aussie souvenirs.

They’re all pretty pissed.

Commando Steve does not take it well.

The reward challenges were all super boring this week, so instead here’s a picture of Robbie looking pensive while bathing his glistening body in the ocean.

You’re welcome.

At Fire Chat the normie team think they’re getting rid of Tegan’s boyfie Heath but no dice ‘cos he has an idol. Instead Anita is sent to join Tegan on Exile Island.

Thankfully she’s been prepping for this moment all season…