How To Avoid Exclusively Talking About COVID This Christmas
At Christmas lunch, there is usually at least one conversation topic that must be avoided.
The age of Aunty Sue’s new boyfriend. Dad’s new cologne. How Mum somehow keeps using the horny emojis in her texts. As families, we deftly navigate around these iffy conversation topics like world-class skiers S-bending down the Alps, saving our loved ones from embarrassment.
Years of sidestepping awkward conversation topics like these have unknowingly prepared us to sidestep – sideLEAP, even – the ultimate vibe-kill topic of a Chrissy lunch convo: COVID-19. It’s been on our minds and in our faces since February 2020 – it’s the virus that just won’t quit, the conversation topic to end all festive cheer.
But never fear, I’m here to offer some alternative conversation topics for your Christmas festivities, painstakingly curated and selected through careful analysis of each topics’ proximity to coronavirus and the chances of that topic pivoting back into COVID-land.
This is my Christmas gift to you.
1. Instead of talking about COVID-19, simply volunteer intimate and private information about your personal life, as if your family is entitled to it!
“Great Aunt Mabel, here’s why I’m not married, with kids yet. Also, here’s how much money I make at my job (the job you will never understand) and no, I cannot afford a house and probably will never be able to.”
The way elderly relatives feel like they can ask you when you plan to have a kid right there at the dinner table is truly off-putting, but you can take some of the power out of Great Aunt Mabel’s hands by bringing up the awkward questions yourself. It might get a little uncomfortable, but hey, it’s better than debating the effectiveness of vaccines with your QAnon cousin.
Proximity to COVID: Zilch. Steer this ship straight and you’ll have an evening of COVID-free conversation. You might be in for a lecture, or a ‘back in my day’ anecdote, or even a clip around the ears, but these are all better alternatives than another COVID convo.
2. Instead of talking about COVID-19, simply straight-up lie to your loved ones.
Listen: no matter how many times you loudly reel off the different kinds of debt you’ve accrued over the years, you might still find yourself in a situation where COVID becomes the conversation topic. If we’ve learnt anything over the past two years, it’s that Miss Corona is a persistent beast. Therefore, you may need to employ some more… well, drastic conversation starters to wrench the attention of the group away from that pesky virus.
These topics hold great power, and therefore must be used with great caution. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Below are some straight-up lies that will cut through ANY conversation and have no proximity to COVID whatsoever. These are best used as an emergency brake of sorts, as the consequences of these lies being uncovered are varied, but none are as bad as watching your QAnon cousin slowly radicalising Great Aunt Mabel over turkey and potatoes.
“I have just been cast as Osher Gunsberg on the new season of The Bachelorette.”
“I have made every single one of you as Sims and you’re all WooHoo-ing as we speak.”
“I met Delta Goodrem last week and I told her I got SingStar on Born To Try in 2002 and then she invited me to sing on her next album.”
Etc.
Proximity to COVID: This is all on you. Just remember – the more fantastical the lie, the less likely it is that you’ll find yourself talking about COVID again.
3. Instead of talking about COVID-19, go full chaotic evil.
This is the last resort, the thing to do when you have exhausted all previous avenues.
This is the moment to reveal every single family secret you can recall in great detail: the time Uncle Matt swiped right on his daughter’s English teacher, the time Grandad lost $5000 at the TAB, and the secret tattoo your older sister got even though your dad hates them. Use all your ammo.
You see, before coronavirus, we spent years avoiding these taboo items, basking in a wealth of easy conversation topics and clutching our pearls if the subject edged too close to politics, or religion, or Mum’s terrible new haircut.
How naive we were! How could we ever have understood the torture of two full years of COVID completely dominating every single conversation. Not just at the dinner table, but also at the virtual water cooler (Zoom), on the couch with your partner, and on the phone to your grandma.
It won’t be pretty, and you’ll probably get caught in the crossfire – but it’ll all be worth it. COVID took every single conversation from us and damn it, we’re taking conversation back.
Proximity to COVID: Just avoid revealing any COVID-related secrets and you’ll be in the clear (i.e. this is the time to avoid outing any member of your fam as a secret anti-vaxxer if you’re trying to STOP talking about COVID).
4. Instead of talking about COVID-19, ask your family if they have heard the 1996 Christmas remix of ‘Coco Jambo’ by Mr. President.
Ah, so you’re still here. Still fighting the topic of Rona, despite spilling every family secret you can remember, despite lying your pants off, despite explaining, in laborious detail, why things didn’t work out with your last partner to your grandma… in front of your new partner.
Think of this one as an emergency brake: the train is already off the tracks, hurtling into oblivion, and you, its desperate conductor, fumble across the very last chance you have of survival. If this is the case, it’s time to bring up the 1996 Christmas remix of ‘Coco Jambo’ by Mr President. This bizarre, uncanny valley, somehow actually official remix is a perfect unexpected palette cleanser for any soured Christmas lunch conversation.
For example, if your slightly racist uncle gets that far-away look in his eyes when he thinks of immigration and international borders, simply pipe up with: “Hey guys, did you know Mr. President released a Christmas remix of ‘Coco Jambo’ and replaced all the words with Christmassy lyrics?”
Proximity to COVID: Unless you’re one of those people who called COVID ‘coco roco’, this conversation topic is not likely to pivot to coronavirus. Also, this one gets extra points for being especially festive. Christmas here, Christmas there, Merry Christmas everywhere!