Strangers Share The Cringe-Worthy Ways They Lost Their V Plates
Losing your virginity is an, um, incredibly awkward thing. It very much goes one of two ways: just fine, or oh sweet Jesus this is the most awkward experience of my entire existence.
If like us, you thrive off reading cringey shit on the internet, listen up! We searched the weird and wonderful boards of Reddit to find the most awkward virginity-losing experiences.
Read at your own risk of looking visibly disturbed on your bus-ride home. You’ve been warned.
Smooth
“She was on top of me, we were on her bed, and the door was on the opposite wall behind her. Her brother walked in, so she grabbed the blanket to cover herself up and quickly jumped off of me.”
“For some reason I quickly grabbed my phone and pretended I was texting… I didn’t even think to cover up or hide or anything. I was just lying on my back fiddling with my phone while my girlfriend tried to rectify the situation.”
“I always pretend to be texting or doing something on my phone when in an awkward situation, and because I’m a moron I guess I thought it would work then as well. Eugh.” — calbdsmthrowaway
Alien Dick
“We had gone to a symphony, got dinner and driven up to an overlook… we had the room to ourselves. It was a fantastically romantic experience. She couldn’t wait to slowly de-robe my snappy suit, I was raring to get her out of her slinky dress.”
“We get ready to go with some standard cowgirl action, and then when we actually get to the moment of penetration, I say ‘Wow, it’s like an alien is eating my dick!'”
“Moment ruined. We kept going of course, but up until this moment, everything had been going perfectly. I don’t know why I said it, it just seemed such an apt description from my perspective, and it was such a strong feeling I just blurted it out.
“We laughed about it later and I couldn’t have chose a better way to lose my v card. However, I don’t have the best verbal filter.” — HMacyFan4eva
Oh My God
“I had never seen a penis (in person) in my entire life and had no idea how to handle one. During foreplay he whipped it out and I was afraid that if I gripped it with my fist I would squeeze too hard and hurt him.
“Instead, I patted the top of it with two fingers (like the way you would pet a small kitten) for a few minutes until he asked me if he could show me how he liked to be touched.
“We somehow managed to have totally normal sex after that but when I think back on that I’m glad he wasn’t weirded out.” — welikemousepads
Not Me But A “Friend”
“I knew a girl who wanted her first time to be all romantic and adorable, so she lit a bunch of candles around her bed. A pillow caught fire.
“She put the fire out with her hands.
“They had to be bandaged up for about a month.” — Dystopeuh
NO. GOD. NO.
“Although the act itself was fairly non traumatic, an hour later the dog found the condom in the bin and brought it proudly to my father’s feet.
“I don’t know what was worse, the scream emitted from my poor pa, or the fact my boyfriend hadn’t tied it before he threw it away.” — distopian_dreamgirl
Just Like That, Another Gay Boy Is Brought Into The World
“I dated a guy for nine months when I was 15. He was 18. I was a virgin for sure, he says he was and judging by how terrible he was at it, I believed him.
“The day after we lost our virginity to each other he sat me down and said ‘Last night made me realise….that I’m gay'”.
“I thought he was joking, then he told me that he met a guy online and was going to move one state over to be with him. He left the next day. I still hoped that he was joking but I was really close with his grandmother and she confirmed that it was true.” — thatonechick33
Dear Lord Make It STOP
“Home alone with the GF. During the act we heard the phone ring. I let it go (obviously). This was the old days, with land lines and answering machines.
“The machine picked up. Right as I was about to finish, my mother proceeded to leave a 5 minute message. It was loud. I lost my virginity with my mother’s voice in the background.” — Lamadian
Regardless how how cringe your “losing your V-card” story was, just take comfort in the fact that it only happens once, and it probs wasn’t as bad as the ones above.
And please remember to PLAY SAFE.
*Responses have been edited for clarity.