Guys, We Need To Talk About This Terrifying Video That’s Taking Over The Internet
Attention internet: We need to talk.
We need to talk about this YouTube video, ‘Baby Johny Johny Yes Papa Sing and Dance DO DO SONG‘, which has been dragged from the hell-fire depths of the internet and shared on Twitter over the weekend.
I’ve watched it in its entirety at least 10 times and I still don’t know how to feel exactly. All I know is that it’s the single most disturbing video I’ve encountered.
i’m losing my fucking mind pic.twitter.com/Zl5FCWfbdv
— ♊︎ (@b6ner) August 18, 2018
I know what you’re thinking. Is the girl from The Ring about to climb out of my screen? Was I just cursed by an ancient witch? Why do I feel like I need to take a shower?
You’re not alone, and you better believe we have questions too. So, creator of this satanic vid, if you’re out there we want answers to our burning questions, for the love of all things that are holy.
#1 Who Is This Big-As-Shit Baby And What Does It Want?
The video starts out quite cute and rather innocent. A baby named Johny (evidenced by its shirt and the song’s lyrics) wakes up and hops out of bed to get stuck into some sugar cubes. Questionable choice, but hey, we don’t judge.
It is only when he enters a dance breakdown with Papa that we realise this isn’t any ordinary baby. This baby is big-as-shit. Enormous! Huge! Giant!
He’s the same height as a full-grown man, but way thiccer. This baby cannot be human.
What is his motive? How can a child with no teeth not only be up and walking, but slaying choreography? How is his body supporting that fucking fat melon head?
#2 What Demon Has Possessed Johny’s Doll And When Will It Return My Soul?
Want an insight into baby Johny’s life? Check out the doll that sits above his bed… it’s seen some shit. And if this doll’s lifeless gaze is any reflection of what goes on within the four walls of Johny’s room, honey, it’s not good.
Who hurt you, baby doll? What demon is using your body as a skin puppet to bring evil upon the world? Blink twice if you need help.
Do you even have eyelids?
#3 Is Sugar Big Baby’s Main Source Of Power And How Do We Defeat It?
Let’s recap what we already know about big boi baby Johny:
- He’s fucking huge
- Has daddy issues
- Froths sugar
- Compulsive liar
- Good dancer
But how do we defeat him? What’s his kryptonite? I want to say salt, but that’s too easy.
If you watch carefully you can see that as the video goes on, Johny grows larger as his creator, Papa, grows weaker and smaller in size. It’s just a matter of time before he rules the world. I, for one, welcome our new baby leader.
#4 Who The Fuck Keeps Lollipops In The Fridge?
Alright. I have a lot of gripes with this video, and a lot of shit I’ve been able to let slide, but why in God’s earth has Papa stored lollipops in the fridge? I will die on this hill.
Also Papa, if you don’t want Johny eating so much sugar, shit man, buy some other food. All I peeped in your fridge was cupcakes, M&Ms, ice cream, and watermelons. All of which (spoiler alert!) are super high in sugar.
Be a better dad. If you even are Johny’s dad? I feel like I shouldn’t ask questions I can’t handle the answers to.
#5 Why Haven’t I Been Able To Sleep Since First Watching?
You guys, this shit has fucked me up. I close my eyes and I see Papa hitting the ‘Gangnam Style’ dance. Colours are muted and I have lost the sense of taste. I need answers. Someone, anyone, GIVE ME ANSWERS.
But alas, I’m afraid it’s Johny and Papa’s world… and we’re just living in it.