The 30 Most Important Moments From ‘Bachelor In Paradise’, Week Two
We are back in Fiji for another week of Bachelor In Paradise and I am back behind my desk to recap this nonsense!
Fiji and my office have a lot in common in the sense that they both seem inescapable and everyone judges me if I drink one too many margaritas. Lighten up guys, it’s called breakfast.
Anyway, I’ve stopped screaming and sending Channel 10 emails asking where my Paradise invite was and I’ve remembered watching this show from afar is a much better waste of my time than having people mansplain various things to me on dating apps.
Let’s unpack this week of Bachelor In Paradise.
1. Ivan entered Paradise, much to Brittney’s delight.
He entered carrying a tray of avocados and got the most bro welcome I ever did see. To be fair, I get it — he was probably carrying a truckload of those precious Hass avos and I would’ve jumped on him too.
Brittney was super keen to see Ivan enter and we can already see a future of Step Up: To The Avo.
2. Brooke and Nathan snuck in some alone time in her room while American Alex’s Abs had an interview… right outside.
Nathan ended up sneaking out the back door (get ya mind out of the gutter) and sliding away as Alex and his abs remained oblivious. And brooding.
So brooding.
Later on Nathan and Brooke had some playful wrestling time while Alex’s abs continued brooding from a distance.
3. Jules took Alisha on a date.
Alisha screamed things like “love a good champers!” “love a good oyster!” as they were forced to feed each other food… well, they kinda ate food. There was some fingering action thrown in also. Oh my God, fingering of the FOOD you freakin’ perverts.
“There’s a first time for everything and no man has ever fingered an oyster in front of me and then forced me to eat it,” Alisha happily told the camera.
They then had a chocolate fondue thing going on and I realised I am still so emotionally scarred from the last time this show portrayed melted chocolate that I may never eat it again.
4. In other Paradise news, Brittney created a date for Ivan.
“I just thought I’d take you away because I’ve made no connections,” she said, which is also what I used to say to every guy I met at the bar but I don’t go out anymore because reality TV has become my life, so sometimes I just sadly whisper it to Tinder instead.
They then get deep. “Do you know where commas go?” Brittney asks Ivan.
Shockingly, Ivan doesn’t know FYI.
5. Bill continued to rewrite his dating history by telling Alex Nation he pretty much ended things with Rachael, and Jimmy spotted them getting cosy which is the first he knew of Bill and Alex.
Alex Nation later told Paddy of all people that Bill snuck into her room but all they did was “fall asleep”. You know the old tale that if you answer questions you were never asked, you’re probably lying.
“I feel like I’m on this Cabo spring break hook up show and I’m struggling,” Jimmy says.
Oh shit, someone needs to tell Jimmy that’s exactly what kind of show he is on.
But it ain’t gonna be Davey breaking the news because he looks like he can barely keep his eyes open.
6. Alex Nation and Brooke go on a date.
They get taught how to crack coconuts, which definitely screams romance to me.
When you don't really get the joke but don't want anyone to realise #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/93uQZhn01X
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) April 16, 2019
After talking about their feelings, they finally decided to drink their coconuts another way… through each other’s mouths.
7. While those two were canoodling, everyone else spent 78 hours dissecting what could possibly happen on the girls’ date. And Bill stared at the same spot until the sun dawned upon a new day.
What can he possibly see in the distance? A mirage of a dog park softly beckoning to him?
“Come to me, Bill” the dog park whispers. “Bring one of your many girlfriends.”
8. A new night brought us a new cocktail party and rose ceremony.
We learn if Brooke and Alex choose each other, five men would be sent home and honestly? I’d fucking pay to see that.
9. But the rose ceremony isn’t without drama, of course.
Jimmy left paradise before the ceremony, Davey tried a last-minute bid to get Shannon’s rose, Alex had a long pause before giving her rose to Bill, and Paddy & Davey were sent packing.
Goodbye for the second time Davey. I hope your six hours in paradise 2.0 were fun.
10. The next day Shannon asked Osher if he can bring Davey back into paradise because… wait, why?
While Davey’s last-minute rose attempt was obvious to all of us, it appeared poor, sweet Shazza missed the memo. Shaz seemed to forget she has Connor there to comfort her during this stressful time although he seems as interesting as a bowl of white rice.
11. A group date happened and it involved water sports and cheeseboards… but not at the same time because that would be weird.
Sadly I am here to report that we lost Connor forever after he went flying off into the sun. RIP Connor!
12. Zoe arrived and literally could not find any guy to flirt with.
zoe coming in wanting to flirt and no guys taking her up on it is basically my love life summed up nicely #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Geeta Sharma (@bored_ignored) April 17, 2019
Zoe is from the season we dare not speak of, the one that shall not be named. Oh no, not Honey Badger’s lmao. Blake Garvey’s season.
Zoe was given a date card and had her work cut out for her while trying to suss out hot Alex, Bill and Jules, all who decided they wanted to stay loyal to their paradise girlfriends… well, at least for now.
13. Brittney decided she was going to dance for Ivan upon his return and while she practised some moves, she also nearly faceplanted. 
Honestly, the bruises on poor Britt’s legs are telling her to SLOW DOWN.
14. Zoe and Connor went on a date and that’s something that… happened.
If this date was a sandwich it would be some crusty, nearly by its used-by-date Tip Top bread with the scrapings of the last condiment your mother could find in the kitchen.
15. At some stage during this episode, Alex Nation, margi firmly in hand, interrupted Alisha and Richie’s chat about Cass.
“Ohhhh, I’ve walked IN on something,” Alex said before plonking herself firmly down on the edge of the convo to get the tea.
Alisha and Alex then grill Richie on why he hasn’t made a proper move on Cass (aka why he hasn’t pashed her) while you can see what’s left of Richie’s soul slowly leave his body.
16. But Richie didn’t get a break just yet. Rachael chained Richie to a chair and forced him to have dinner with her
Rachael talked about how her friends thought that she and Richie were PERFECT together and Richie took long, slow gulps of his beer, which, if you’ve been watching is 100% his defence mechanism when he’s in an awkward situation on this show.
And that happens a lot, dear friends.
17. The next day we find out Bill has been kidnapped!! Oh no!!
But alas! It turned out Flo was waiting for him on a boat. She’s baaaaack, bitches and she’s finally buried Jake Ellis.
Like, not literally I don’t think, but you never know.
18. We learn Bill and Flo have met before… at the dog park.
This FUCKING show makes me SO ANGRY and SO HAPPY at the same time.
19. Alex Nation broke up with sweet angel Brooke because she has a stronger connection with slimy Bill. This ends up with Brooke eventually leaving paradise.
20. Tenille entered paradise for a second shot at love and straight away Jules and Ivan forget how to construct proper sentences.
Jules also forgot he had a paradise girlfriend during this moment who was sitting… literally right with him, as he tried to tune Tenille.
Honestly, men truly can only ever think with one thing.
21. Richie decided to finally, properly dump Rachael, perhaps for the 7th time.
She… did not take it well.
22. Aaaaand next minute, everyone is crying.
OK the TL;DR is:
Cass is crying because Rachael was upset with her for flirting with Richie in front of her.
Rachael is crying because Richie dumped her… again.
Alisha is crying because Jules told her he’d want to go on a date with Tenille given the opportunity.
Jules is crying because he hurt Alisha’s feelings.
Hot American Alex is crying because Brooke left paradise and also because he doesn’t know me yet.
I am crying because this episode isn’t even halfway through yet.
23. FYI Bill and Flo… they are not crying. They’re having a great old steamy time on their date.
Weird that I finally took a screenshot of Bill when his tongue is somehow IN his mouth in a moment you think it wouldn’t be… but I’ve given up trying to understand Bill in any capacity.
24. Tenille decided to take Ivan on a date… for some reason.
I can only hope the girl is playing the game and looking to secure a rose, but then she goes ahead and kisses him anyway, something she even seemed shocked at.
25. Bill and Flo finally return, much to the annoyance of Alex Nation who straight away leads Bill to a sex swing for a stern chat.
Classic Bill slithers his way out of any wrongdoing once again. The most fascinating thing about Bill is the fact he just keeps constantly lying on national TV as though he just FORGETS cameras have picked up his every move along the way.
26. As the rose ceremony approached there was one very important thing to note: Ivan has dimmed the spark of our beautiful ray of sunshine, Littney.
Since Tenille entered paradise, Ivan dropped Brittney like a hot potato, avoided eye-contact and avoided any conversation with her where he could be honest about what was going on which weirdly sounds like my last breakup now that I type it out.
ANYWAY. We don’t stand for this kind of shit! Not to Brittney, Queen of Birds, Queen of dancing to no music, and Queen of our hearts!
27. Flo found out that Bill is full of dog park shit and grabbed Alex Nation so they can swap stories about his wandering eye.
This is a boss move by Flo after she realised she was in the same position as last year by having some douchey 30-something year old man with dark hair play her like a fool.
We’ve all been there, Flo. We’ve all been there.
28. At the rose ceremony, Bill convinced American Alex to give his rose to Flo in a very Jake Ellis move, so Bill could give his rose to Alex.
I am so sorry this is the creepiest thing I’ve ever made, which is saying something.
29. Sadly we had to say goodbye to Rachael and Littney 🙁
But not before Brittney SPEAKS HER TRUTH to Ivan. Get him girl. Throw an avocado at his head!
30. And we end with trouble in paradise… after Alex Nation confronted Bill once again, he mouthed off about Flo speaking the truth and called her a “salty bitch” like a mature, adult man!
Next week looks bloody TENSE, fam and I just don’t think this is the reason Jesus died for our sins, but here we are.