27 Things You Missed On Week 3 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
Shot that tequila and take a seat, because we’re about to run through week three of Bachelor In Paradise.
No seriously, put the bottle down, give it to me and stop dancing on the stage you’re embarrassing yourself.
Some of us have had a blessed week, taking in the public holidays, maybe even using our annual leave for a full week off, eating too much chocolate, drinking too much wine etc.
Anyway, good for you fuckers, because those of us who have to cover this shitshow aren’t relaxed, jolly or full of wine. But I am full of information as to what went down this week, so kick back, relax and thank me later.
Here’s everything that happened in Week 3 of Bachelor In Paradise:
1. Bill got mad at Flo for exposing him to Alex, and both Flo and Alex cried.
Flo, Alex, Bill, Zoe, Nathan… There's not one but FIVE sides to this story. Holy coconuts ?? #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/2nHiSOiJ82
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 23, 2019
Alex wasn’t sure to believe because she felt both Bill and Flo were “genuinely upset”. Alex has seemed to forget Bill doesn’t show any emotion until a dog park is mentioned.
When Zoe told Alex that Bill had a plan to keep Flo in paradise, she saw red and told everyone she is LEAVING paradise. She is gone! She could be at home with her son! She is outta there faster than you can say “another margi?”
2. Alex tried to leave paradise but instead walked out to sea to contemplate her life choices. Bill joined her because he got lost on the way to the dog park.
They were given a date card to get them off the island to go repair their broken relationship.
Being together for less than a week truly is exhausting work after all.
3. Caroline, a new intruder from the US, entered paradise and called her last paradise experience “uneventful”.
Caroline: I hope I meet someone like Chris Hemsworth.
Me: #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/8SPhJVGhS0
— Milhouse Thrilhouse (@Minquist01) April 23, 2019
Caroline is looking to meet someone like a Chris Hemsworth and is going to be sorely disappointed when she realises everyone is more like a Chris Pratt.
4. Alex and Bill reconnect and Bill said he reckons Alex would fit in well with his family and the dog park.
I think they are two separate things, but at this stage I wouldn’t be surprised to learn Bill’s family is really just a bunch of trees at the dog park.
5. Caroline decided to take Richie on a date even after he told her a story about shitting himself.
Chris Hemsworth = abs, humour, good looks, probably romantic.
Richie = abs… shat himself once.
Close enough.
While Richie and Caroline had fun, he was still contemplating life with Cass, his beautiful golden-haired goddess that he flirts with heavily but never kisses.
Remember last year’s finale when we were like ‘OMG SOMEONE IS GOING TO PROPOSE?!’ This year’s finale will be like “Um, OK but will Richie KISS Cass?”
6. Tenille was starting to feel smothered by Ivan because he is quite literally smothering her.
And that dude ain’t small, like imagine having a 6ft5 (“because apparently it matters!”) giant following you around everywhere.
7. Jules decided to set fire to his relationship with Alisha because of his “connection” with Tenille. A connection that doesn’t really exist outside of Jules’ mind.
Kind of like my “connection” with American Alex.
Alex, if you’re reading this, call me.
8. Ivan lost his shit when Tenille played an innocent game with American Alex.
She started tracing words on his back like “penis” (true story) and Ivan started storming around the island, grunting and raving like a mad man because his precious dare speak to another human person.
9. So naturally when Tenille went into her room to pee, Ivan decided to follow her, let himself in, and sit on her bed like an absolutely normal adult man.
Ummmm, I’m calling the police.
10. Jules stared at the same spot of water for 84 years, contemplating which of the two connections he should go with: Alisha, a woman who is into him vs. Tenille, a woman who has said hi to him once.
Men have it so hard.
11. The next day, Jules finally breaks it off with Alisha by saying he’s “elected to not emotionally pursue” her.
Honestly, thank you Jules for giving me my next breakup line, should I ever date again.
Anyway this was a great decision by Jules as he appeared to be having great luck with Tenille.
12. The two men paradise legit never asked for, Wes and Mac, entered Schoolies 2.0.
But most importantly we got a refresher of Mac’s hit song “You and Me” which he once sang to Sophie Monk and that made it all worth it again.
Nearly forgot about my favourite song "youuuuuu, meeeeee, YOOOUUUUUHHHH, meeeeeeeeeeee" until now #BachelorInParadiseAU
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) April 24, 2019
Sing it loud, sing it proud.
13. Nathan got a date card and was longing to take Tenille but freaked out when Ivan death glared him and chose Shannon instead.
Basically all that happened on their date was that they sat in awkward silence for a really long time. Kind of like when my boss pulls me into a meeting room and asks about my goals for the year.
14. The group play Truth or Dare and Bill admitted to sleeping with “80 – 100” women.
We all know nothing Bill says is ever that truthful so from that answer we can assume the real number is about 379.
15. Ivan, a very normal, rational adult man punched a wall after Jules stole Tenille away for a chat.
Ivan, sweetie, get therapy.
16. Tenille rejected Jules’ advances.
He sat her down for a date of champers and a Favourites box, but while she was delighted by the chocolate he was clearly not her Favourite of choice.
Thanks, I clearly don’t get paid enough.
17. At the cocktail party Jules tried his best to win Alisha back.
Sorry, I can’t actually hear this convo over the sound of my own high-pitched screeching version of JoJo’s ‘Too Little, Too Late’.
It’s actually really sad to watch because Alisha is super into Jules and put in a really tough position of whether to give her rose to some random like Mack or Wes or give her rose to Jules, someone who has broke her heart but someone she still has a connection with.
And ladies, we all know that we’ve done STUPID things for men in the past. Which leads us to…
18. Jules dramatically interrupted the rose ceremony to pull Alisha away once again to convince her to him her rose. Eventually, she reluctantly does so.
ALEXA, PLAY SOME ANGRY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE TO SOOTHE MY EMO SOUL.
Anyway RIP Wes, a mix between Jesus and Matt Corby. We barely knew ye.
Like truly, who are you?
19. Canadian Daniel, aka Geppetto, from last year’s Bachelor In Paradise enters Fiji to “shake things up” again.
Even Daniel looks a little bored with his own “bad guy/villian” behaviour this time around, but hey the paycheck awaits and a man’s gotta put bacon on the table.
When Osher asked Daniel why he’s still single, he gives a short forced laugh. “Good question! I’m not really sure but I don’t really care either,” he said, which is how I’m responding to that same question at every Christmas from now on.
20. Alisha is at the point of wanting to ditch Jules and says anything “with a pulse” will work on her at the moment… So she’s thrilled the Canadian Bacon is back.
“At this moment I’d gladly be Daniel’s puppet,” she laughed. Honestly, it’s relatable. Once you get screwed over by a “nice guy” all you need is any old dickhead willing to pay you attention.
21. Daniel took Alisha on a date, while Ivan took Tenille away to piss on her leg and claim her as his own.
Basically Ivan told Daniel that Tenille was “his” and because Ivan is a giant idiot, then told Tenille that he cockblocked her from Daniel. It’s finally the beginning of the end… but more on that later.
22. On the date Daniel and Alisha explored each others tonsils for an uncomfortably long time.
Geppetto? More like Geppett-no.
Sorry, it’s a public holiday, what the fuck do you want from me.
23. We switch the channel to “Boring Couples We Forgot Existed” and find out that Zoe has called Nathan out for being a fuckboi.
He was basically all hot for her, until he wasn’t.
24. When Alisha got back from her date and rinsed her mouth out numerous times, Jules whisked her away for a campfire date… you know, so they could “reignite” their flame.
Look, I have made fun of Jules for being a Softboi™, but I’ll give it to the dude — he learns as he goes and tries hard to rectify his mistakes. And truly, that is the most we can expect from males these days.
The bar is low and Jules has high-jumped over it with ease.
Alisha and Jules kiss and make up, and it’s a much better kiss than whatever we saw Daniel do before, so I’m rooting for these two again.
25. After Daniel received another date card and took Flo, Ivan did a happy dance because Tenille is safe from Daniel’s clutches… and Tenille finally decided that enough is enough. Yes friends, she finally dumped Ivan.
26. Ivan took the breakup well.
I think he’s cried more over this five-day relationship than I did over a three year one, but the difference is Ivan is very emotional and I’m actually a robot and if I don’t charge myself soon I’ll probably never finish this rec-
27. And while we have NFI what happened on Flo and Daniel’s date yet, Osher arrived to tell the group Davey “Nine Lives” Lloyd was gonna come back to Paradise.
It’s not over until the fat lady sings folks, and right now I am simply only sighing.