15 Things That Happened In Episode 5 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Even If It Feels Like Episode 10
Happy Sunday! Bachelor In Paradise is on four nights this week, and no, I’m not crying, I just keep poking my eye continuously to see if I can ever feel something again.
Let’s talk about the crazy thing that’s happening this season – no new arrivals in paradise seem THAT surprising to the people stranded already in Fiji. First Renee was foreshadowed, almost spoken into existence as she angrily stormed around the island until she could make her grand entrance. And in tonight’s episode, people were whispering about Kiki making her way in. How do they all know? If you say it out loud, does it happen? If I close my eyes and whisper “Cam Cranley” three times will he magically appear in my apartment?
I’ll report back.
Tonight we saw the entrance of Keira Maguire who’s back for a third time, except… well…she’s been struck with the Jake curse. If you found love once in paradise, do any of us really care about your journey to find it again? The answer is not really, sorry.
In other news, Conor was still sunburnt AF, and another Bula Banquet bought so much drama even John Aiken was shaking in his leather boots.
Let’s rehash episode 5 of Bachelor In Paradise.
Me writing this recap on a Sunday.
1. Jess expressed the intensity of her feelings for Ciarran while he seemed to be checking out if another bird was going to walk through the doors.
Did you know if you listen carefully, a native Fijian bird the Kadavu fantail can be heard chirping “Kiki… Kiki… Kiki is on her way”.
And we all know Ciarran speaks the language of birds.
Jess brings up Kiki with Ciarran, and he does the classic fuckboi shrug while looking for ways out of the conversation. Unfortunately our girl Jess has fallen head over heels for the charming British lad, and even drops the line, “I do trust Ciarran. It feels right and it feels good.”
It feels like that sentence won’t age well, if you ask me.
2. Keira arrived! She got her very own blind dating show apparently called “Find Your Spectacular Bachelor”.
I honestly think they could’ve worked on something a little more catchy, but alas.
All the boys were whisked off to blind date Keira, where Osher asked Keira’s questions and the lads had to answer. Let it be known that not once was anyone asked what they think about pineapple on pizza.
With Jess out of sight, out of mind, Ciarran wistfully wished that either Kiki or Tenille would be behind the wall, saying “if them two were to walk in, it’d be an absolute gamechanger.” Which makes me wonder, what would happen if they did both walk in? Ciarran, you’ve gotta choose ONE person eventually. This isn’t your season of The Bachelor, mate. Calm the fuck down!
3. Conor gets picked to go on the date with Keira, which worked well because he was already wearing the number one label.
More like number one sunburn.
After some awkward back and forth, Keira told Conor they should go for a pretend swim because she’s not getting in the water but she wants to get in a bikini for him to show him her rig.
He seemed excited.
We also learn back at home base, Mary was a bit distressed about Conor being the chosen one for Keira because the rose she gave him the other night wasn’t a friendship rose at all. Somewhere, Jake Ellis has risen to start a slow clap.
4. Back with the group, Litney called Jamie the “hardest book she’s ever read.”
It’s like she hasn’t even tried to read Normal People.
Poor Jamie hasn’t quite realised he’s constantly sending mixed signals to Litney, and tells her that he’s keen to talk to Keira when she arrives. He then keeps digging his grave by saying that if Keira is horrible, he’ll just “run straight back to Brittney.”
Of course, and rightfully so, this didn’t go down well and Timm eventually stepped in to be the voice of reason for once in his life, telling Jamie that he needs to cut Litney off before he breaks her heart.
5. Osher announced a new Bula Banquet, with the theme of discussion to be none other than “friendship roses”.
As he turned away to exit, Osher returned to his true form.
6. Intermission: A new guest appeared.
Just kidding. I wish.
7. Keira entered paradise, and the night of mayhem truly kicked off.
8. Jamie was asked a question about Litney, and Alisha was triggered by his softboi answer.
OK so, the TL:DR is: Jamie admitted his rose to Litney was a friendship rose but that he can’t imagine waking up in paradise and not having her there. Litney told Jamie she’s confused because he keeps saying all these nice things about her before going back to friendzoning her.
Alisha eventually gets triggered by Jamie’s lack of transparency with Litney because of the whole Jules Thing from last year. Meanwhile, Timm was trying to stir the pot with Keira and Alisha, telling Keira that she “should’ve heard” what Alisha was saying about her earlier that day (for the record: not much, Alisha just mentioned that she didn’t think Keira liked her.)
Are you still with me?
9. This all led into Keira going in on Alisha because… actually, why?!
Keira decided the perfect time to throw Alisha on the grill was when she was already upset. Helena (remember her? She’s still here!) tried to deflect Keira but it was too little, too late. Keira called Alisha out for “talking about her” and Alisha tried to explain the issue was that last year Keira was putting up mean Instagram stories about the 2019 BIP cast, and that Alisha was hurt by the commentary.
They then basically passive-aggressively called each other babe for the rest of the argument.
10. Conor looked as though he was regretting his life choices, while Glenn went into bat for Alisha.
Conor is too normal for this show, bless his heart.
Earlier in the evening, Keira had told the crew she wasn’t here to “fuck shit up” and after she went in on Alisha before shutting down the conversation, Pool Boy Glenn questioned her. “Not here to fuck shit up Keira, you’re here for love?” and honestly… find someone who stares at you the way Greg stares at Alisha.
Who even cares about the fight with Keira?! It made no sense and it sucked! Anyone who drops lines on shows like, “my fans wanted my commentary” needs to go and get a reality check.
WE’RE HERE FOR THIS ONE LOVE STORY THAT IS FINALLY HAPPENING.
11. Litney and Jamie ended up staying back after the banquet to chat about where they were at.
Litney is too pure of heart – she tries to educate Jamie on the fact he can’t make a woman feel like she’s his second or third choice. Jamie, for his part, dropped the line “I want my cake and to eat it too” which normally I’d say is a huge mood but we’re not talking about an actual cake here unfortunately.
Finally Litney realised it’s time to put the Jamie book down and close that chapter for good.
12. Conor and Mary finally had a chat, where Mary clarified her rose was definitely not a friendship rose.
Conor originally thought maybe it was a pity rose. “Heck no! I don’t do PITY!” Mary yelled, before joking about them getting married.
Can we also talk about how damn good Mary looked at this Bula Banquet? Hello mama.
13. Litney made a joke about Jamie not wanting to have sex with her, so with Jess struck down by the island gastro, Ciarran dropped this romantic line:
I’d say a chastity belt just appeared out of nowhere and locked itself onto me.
14. Nek minnit: a new day dawned and Ciarran was sprung sneaking out of Renee’s room.
What… what?
WHAT?!
15. Jess resurfaced from her illness, only for a new threat to come waltzing into paradise.
Ciarran told Jess that he fell asleep in Renee’s bed after they had a chat, and he woke up all confused, thinking it was Jess next to him. Sounds legit.
But what’s that sound in the distance? Can anyone hear the Kadavu fantail? Because my Kiki-senses are tingling.
Oooh boy, here we go.