17 Things That Happened On Episode 3 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

I hope y’all didn’t mourn the end of MasterChef too hard, because we have some important things to discuss! And by that, I mean it’s time to talk about Bachelor In Paradise again.

Channel 10 is really leaning into the fact that no one can figure out time or days anymore, and they’ve shifted the episodes to Tuesday and Wednesday this week instead of Wednesday and Thursday. What will they do next? Put it on every single weeknight?

After we said a sad farewell to Abbie and Janey last week, the girls finally have the power this week. Just the way life should be.

OK Alexa, please blast ‘Case of the Ex’ by Mya. Let’s get right into what happened on tonight’s dramatic episode of Bachelor In Paradise:

This photo is proof that I didn’t choose to be straight.

1. We open to the ultimate paradise love story.

I just knew this show would make me believe in true love again!

2. Jake was given a single date card which was a nice reminder that he’s actually on the island.

Big dog Jake threw us a curveball though: with most people assuming he’d take Cass on the date after she got his rose, he dodged it and chose Helena instead!

The pool boy was on his lunch break, and he was clearly NOT impressed.

I think the real love story here though is Cass and the bottle of sriracha.

Cass is me dreamily staring off into the distance when I’m at the pub (remember pubs?!) except I’m not looking at an attractive man, I just realised the special of the night is chicken schnittys.

3. Meanwhile, the rumours were buzzin’ around the island that Renee is on her way in.

This season is FASCINATING to me, because everyone in paradise is on edge about this chick arriving while all us hardcore fans of the show are like “sorry ma’am? Renee?”

4. Jess and Ciarran were extremely unphased about his ex allegedly dropping into paradise.

Uh-oh, my spidey senses are tingling. Or maybe that’s just the three margaritas I had on an empty stomach before sitting down to write this recap.

If my PT and/or boss is reading this, that was a joke! I didn’t have three margaritas before writing this, I had four.

5. Back on the date that I already forgot was happening, watching Jake and Helena try to communicate was like watching vanilla ice cream melt.

6. We learned that Jake is really not over Megan Marx.

He came back to paradise because the process had worked for him before and he found the love of his life. The logic here is a little baffling because who should get so lucky twice?! It’s just selfish to think he could meet the second love of his life in paradise, while some of us are just struggling to get a swipe back.

Also, bro, IDK if it’s the best idea to get over your ex by visiting the exact place you fell in love with them. Do you see me going back to Star Bar again, the place I was wined and dined for my first serious adult relationship?!

Yes, we’re all shocked that didn’t work out.

7. Intermission: me waiting for something interesting to happen.

Glenn’s done such a good job of blowing up these bad boys.

8. Jamie decided to take Brittney on a date, but the two didn’t quite make it out of the friendzone.

OK, this was sweet, if maybe misguided. Jamie organised a single date for Brittney because out of all her seasons she’s never once been taken on a single date, so he wanted to do something nice for her.

Brittney took this as Jamie being interested in her romantically, however he was moving about as fast as a turtle. So it all ended with a bit of a “will they, won’t they” pash scenario which didn’t happen. Brittney thought Jamie was ignoring her signals, while he thought she was giving him no signals.

Anyway, whatever! Let’s move onto the real drama.

9. Osher rocked up to announce the Bula Banquet which was conveniently themed: “There’s Something About Renee”.

HONESTLY, WHO IS RENEE THOUGH?

As though he heard the cries of a confused Australia, Osher shed some more light on the Renee situation. He explained that Ciarran used to date her, that Renee and Cass are good friends, that Jess and Renee used to be friends, and that FINALLY, Niranga and Renee have been in touch since holidaying in Bali.

Hold on a second.

Is… Niranga… about… to… get… a… storyline?

10. Poor Renee was walking for an extremely long time but she finally got into paradise.

Rumour has it she strolled past Ivan slowly paddleboarding out to sea, Dog Park Bill still stuck ankle-deep in the water, Jarrod miserably wiping a tear away, and Stu speeding off on a jetboat.

She arrived at the Bula Banquet, one may we remind you, is themed after her, which must be very relaxing and not at all creepy!

So not only has she walked into paradise with a special banquet thrown in her honour where a bunch of random people can ask her questions about her relationship, she has to face her cheating ex-boyfriend.

What kind of hell has this poor girl strolled into?!

11. With the mood at the banquet tense AF, Ciarran decided to take the floor and apologise to Renee publicly, which came across as genuine as a politician’s speech.

Look the only good thing I can say about this was that his apology was seemingly direct and didn’t use any of the classic fuckboi slang of “I’m sorry you FEEL this way.”

Still, let’s not get it twisted. Addressing the table before Renee came into paradise, and doing it as soon as she did finally arrive is a classic defence mechanism to make him seem like a ‘good guy’ who should be praised for being ‘honest’, even after doing a hugely dishonest thing. As Renee stated, instead of turning it into a big show, he could’ve taken her to the side and addressed it privately with her.

While she accepted his apology on a surface level, she obviously wasn’t having a bar of him otherwise.

Call him out my good sis!

12. As soon as the questions were brought out, Ciarran only managed to sit through two questions centred on Renee and his relationship before he stormed off.

“Come to Paradise,” they said.

“It’ll be fun!” they said.

13. Timm decided it was time for some classic pot-stirring, and told Renee her good friend Cass had previously gone after Ciarran.

OK, Timm is like a child hyped up on red lollies most of the time and I do not understand how any adult woman can deal with him. While he gets super annoying stirring the pot, the drama-freak in me kinda loved him for calling Cass out in this moment.

Cass completely dodged that she had been talking to Ciarran and was hoping to go on a date with him, and instead told Renee that Timm was shit-stirring (I mean, true) but that Ciarran showed interest in her but that was it (um, kinda false, but OK).

14. In a beautiful, beautiful moment, the pool boy yelled at Timm to “shut the fuck up.”

Glenn started a conversation with Renee to try and make her feel welcome and Timm kept interrupting like he had been doing to everyone all evening.

Glenn eventually told him to shut the fuck up, which they all cheers-ed too, including Timm himself.

15. Intermission #2: OK then.

Why do you put me through these scenes?

16. Britt was way off Timm after his shit-stirring ways.

The sad fact is, nearly every straight woman has participated in trying to raise her grown-ass adult boyfriend. It’s a burden we all face. So if any straight men are watching this show, for the love of god can you do your girlfriend a favour and GROW THE HELL UP.

Even Niranga jokingly told Britt to “pull her man into line” during the dinner. Here’s a wild idea: maybe the giant adult man baby should learn to fucking pull himself into line and more people should realise it’s not the responsibility of someone’s girlfriend to reign them in.

And thus, I will write a poem.

“Dear Men,

Please be more like Glenn.”

“That’s not a poem dipshit, that’s just two words that rhymed,” my elderly neighbour Doris said, leaning against the wall of my kitchen. “Also I met a lovely chap like Glenn once back in 1947, a striking man, we really did do some nast-”

Wait a second, Doris, how the fuck did you get into my apartment.

17. Ciarran and Renee finally had a chat, where she dropped the tea that Ciarran left Angie’s season to get back with her.

WELL, OK OK OK.

It took a while for Renee to drop the facts. She and Ciarran had a private chat and she kept saying she was trying to protect him and didn’t want everyone to hate him.

Eventually in her voxxie, she said Ciarran had been calling her from the mansion during his time on the show, and Renee was the one to pick him up from the airport after he left Angie’s season.

Doing the mature thing, Ciarran then decided to “leave” paradise, telling Renee that she should have a good time instead. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Tomorrow night: the drama continues and I assume we will bid farewell to some men in a rose ceremony. Hopefully.