18 Things That Happened On Episode 6 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
A wise woman, Amy Lee, once bitterly sang: “Wake me up inside (can’t wake up), wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark.”
Only true Evanescence stans know this, but Amy penned the above lyric after watching this episode of Bachelor In Paradise, where we were forced to sit through some pretty dud dates. If I wanted to waste my time with dud dates, I’d actually use Tinder again properly instead of just screenshotting bad bios and writing about it in a “fortnightly” newsletter that hasn’t gone out in months.
Anyway as much as we love and live for BIP, the show fell victim to some boring storylines tonight. As the old famous poem goes: too much Ciarran and his tangled web! Not enough Alisha and Greg!
With Kiki arriving and two girls leaving, I’m not saying the show wasn’t without any drama, it just wasn’t as dramatic as, say, a Bula Banquet.
Let’s chat about what went down on Bachelor In Paradise episode six because as always, it’s a great form of escapism from the trashfire year that is 2020.
1. Kiki entered paradise with a date card, and greeted Ciarran by saying “nice to meet you”, which absolutely sent Renee and Alisha.
I’d watch a whole show of Renee and Alisha just reenacting everyone else’s entrances, not gonna lie.
So, the context here is that everyone basically knows Ciarran and Kiki have been ~intimate~ in the outside world, allegedly only days before Paradise was due to start filming.
“By intimate they mean having sexual intercourse, right?” my incredibly ancient neighbour Doris yelled out, banging on my front door, still wearing her shower cap. “Not that I even think you know what that is, but I am starting to question the point of this show if all these people have been ‘DM sliding’ and banging on the outside.”
She’s not wrong.
2. Shock, horror, Kiki decided to take Ciarran on a date because he seemed like the guy who had got the most attention so far.
I guess… if that’s your criteria. There’s nothing I love more when looking for a romantic connection than choosing the guy who’s been the biggest pash bandit on the island and by island, I mean the Golden Sheaf.
Anyway, we’re all Cass in this moment.
3. Kiki and Ciarran went on – and I cannot stress this enough – the most boring date ever.
Why do they look like a couple from Real Housewives who are on the brink of divorce?
You could tell me that’s Dorit and PK in disguise, and I’d believe you.
As they were shipped off, hopefully to Infidelity Island, Kiki said she’s never met a guy as “blatantly honest” as Ciarran.
Oh boy Kiki, we gotta talk.
4. Thankfully, Litney was up to providing some entertainment for us, as per usual.
I can’t stand to see this show without her. If she leaves tonight, I am BOYCOTTING.
5. And we learned Keira was having some feelings for Alex: A love story in four parts.
From calling out to him for a hug poolside…
…to being his human sun shield once he resurfaced…
…to telling him he was hilariously funny even though we’ve still only heard him say about two words…
…to playing “gotcha nose”, the game all guys in their twenties absolutely LOVE.
Trust me, it’s how I woo men too.
“If by woo, you mean leave them so repulsed they unmatch you from Tinder before you even meet up, then sure,” my 207-year-old-neighbour Doris yelled out, dangling out her window, wearing only her dressing gown. “Anyway, don’t mind me love, I just noticed the young gentlemen across the road leaves his blinds open when doing his workout shirtle-”
Doris, you filthy perv.
6. Timm organised a surprise date for Britt because he had to temporarily leave paradise.
With the boys holding power for tonight’s episode (my most hated week!), Timm gave Britt his rose before he departed.
Cute, sweet, romantic, whatever. Let’s move on.
7. Meanwhile back on the world’s most boring date, Kiki pondered her couple name with Ciarran.
Apparently while they were getting to know each other’s favourite colours, Kiki couldn’t help but wonder what their couple name would be because their names sound SO similar.
The two also got an option to have a sleepover in their secret spot, which they obviously took.
Please poke me in the eyeball to wake me up when this date is over.
8. Renee provided some 101 in fuckboi insight to Jess re: the Ciarran dilemma.
As a new day dawned, a deflated Jess was starting to realise maybe her British prince wasn’t all he was cracked up to be. Renee checked in on Jess to see if she was OK and offered some words of advice to her – if Ciarran returned and went “straight to the boys” instead of talking to Jess, then he was gone. A distant memory. A person who should be deleted and blocked off Instagram.
Can I quickly say, Renee is the unsung hero of this season of Paradise. She’s an actual angel and I am obsessed with her.
Naturally as Ciarran returned, he made a beeline straight to Timm, as though he had forgotten that Jess even existed. Which, given we know he’s not very good at thinking with his head, could be the case.
9. Osher arrived with a date card, and in a cruel twist, Jess was given the date card, as was Conor.
What a stitch-up.
In good news, Conor’s sunburn has seemed to heal, so that’s very exciting.
10. Before choosing her date, Jess decided to pull Ciarran away for a chat because he still hadn’t been man enough to dump her.
Jess called Ciarran out on being robotic, as he told her he wanted to pursue things with Kiki. “I’m clearly doing what I wanna do so just crack on, we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend,” Ciarran said as a way of explanation, with as much warmth as an ice cube.
Ugh. Men, take note: don’t be like this.
Jess then dropped this iconic line in her voxxie.
“The reason people are so intrigued by serial killers is because they don’t show emotions when they do the fucked up things they do,” she said.
11. Jess then decided to take Alex on a date, which left Keira unimpressed.
“Like, does she even know who I am. Mark my words, she should know better,” Keira said tiredly, as though she was promised an extra $1k to drop the line “do they even know who I am” constantly to stir up drama.
Honestly, that’s the only explanation I have at this point, otherwise I’ll have to sadly admit Keira is too far gone for this show, if she’s doing this on her own accord.
12. Meanwhile, is Conor… OK?
13. On a more light-hearted note, the group plays some ‘Truth or Dare’ Jenga, daring Jamie to promise Ciarran his rose, then do a nudie run.
Jamie having to go up to Ciarran and tell him that the British bloke was getting his rose tonight was a genuinely funny moment, and I say props to Jamie for having a sense of humour and poking fun of himself in this moment.
But no, I never need to see any of these men nude ever again, thanks.
14. Mary and Conor connected on a deeper level, and Mary told Conor she has a kid.
Saying she’s not after a “summer fling”, Mary opened up to Conor about being a mum, and Conor reassured her that he’s also after finding his forever person.
Who would’ve thought that we’d ever ship a Cleanskin with someone?! Go Conor! Go Mary! Thank you for providing us with an actually wholesome moment!
15. Alex told Jess that he was 50-50 between her and Keira.
Alex has some self-awareness that Jess wouldn’t automatically be over Ciarran, and he also said after a good day with Keira that he wasn’t sure where his rose would go. Look, nothing much happened here, I won’t waste your time or my time any longer by pretending we got anything interesting out of this conversation.
16. At the cocktail party, Jamie’s speech to Helena is turned into some weird Star Wars credits and go off I guess, editors.
What’s next? They’ll start editing in the Punkee kissing sound?
17. Litney and Jamie, and Cass and Niranga continued their friendship rose-giving at the rose ceremony and Jake Ellis is shaking.
“A friendship rose?!” Jake screamed angrily from the Gold Coast. “In this economy?!”
18. And we said goodbye to Helena and Jess.
I caaaaaaan’t.
Honestly, part of me was wishin’, dreamin’, and hopin’ Jess would go full Leah on Real Housewives of New York and throw some tiki torches on her way out.
Tomorrow night: The pie-man is back, Rihanna where you at. 
Gonna have to put in a bulk order of Garlo’s Pies for me and the boiz* tomorrow!
*Me and Doris.