17 Things That Happened On The Shitshow That Was Episode 8 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

Welcome back to the last episode of Bachelor In Paradise… well, until Sunday that is. Nearly gotcha there, didn’t I? Ahh, we love to have fun here.

Tonight the formation of the love triangle between Jackson, Litney, and Cassandra got even pointier, but thankfully Conor and Mary, and Alisha and Greg made us all believe that love exists. Out there. Somewhere. For some people. Not me. But for some.

We also said goodbye to THREE men tonight in a very dramatic rose ceremony. There’s nothing I love more than seeing a man walk out the front door. Anyway, let’s go back to the very beginning.

What an episode. Let’s recap episode 8 of Bachelor In Paradise, right here, right now.

1. We immediately picked up where we left off last night with Brittney spiralling after Niranga asked her on a date. Meanwhile, Niranga had no idea that he just really set things off.

Litney is super upset to be picked as a second choice and look, she does raise some very valid points. “Why would I want to go on a date where I don’t like someone like that, we’re not here for friendships, we’ve done friendship’s for 3 weeks, it’s a joke. Why wouldn’t you give me a chance to go on a date with someone I actually like?” she asked the producers (well, we assume that’s who she was talking to.)

Meanwhile, poor, sweet Niranga was absolutely oblivious and off talking to the camera, pretending he wanted to know Brittney on a deeper level after… three weeks on the island together.

Thankfully, Renee came to the rescue again, comforting Litney and then going off to pull Niranga aside and explain the situation to him.

Once again:

2. This all resulted in Niranga deciding to take Cass out on the date instead.

3. Anyway, forget about Cass and Niranga’s date for a hot sec, we’ve found the real star of the show.

Apparently the ring Cass was given to twirl was to represent marriage, and if this guy is offering the ring, then good sir, I’ll take it.

4. Brittney used Cass’ absence to make some moves on Jackson… or rather make some moves for him.

Ahh this reminds me of the good times, where you could drink a bottle of wine in public, then actually go on a dance floor. Remember 2019? Those were the days.

5. On the date, Niranga and Cass quickly got into an argument.

This was… tense. Niranga started telling Cass that he’s ready to pursue things with her? I guess. Cass was very adamant that Niranga wasn’t going to get out of the friendzone, and said it’d be wrong to continue giving friendship roses.

This set Niranga off. He accused Cass of sitting there like a “little princess” while he gave her foot rubs. I mean, last time I checked she didn’t hold a gun to his head, so whatever. Cass then questioned Niranga about him laying into her. “You’re picking at my personality when I’m not picking at yours,” she said. “I’m just saying you’re a friend.”

I literally have no idea why these two are even still in paradise right now if their friendship rose-swapping has just led us to this. What a mess.

6. Big Sexy himself, Timm, returned and was immediately on Matt’s case about the bro code.

After hearing Matt took Renee on a date, Timm wasn’t stoked. Sorry, I forgot the part where Timm should have any opinion on this. Can someone help me? Can anyone point out to me why Timm needs to get involved in ANY of this? Sorry! Sorry to be annoying! Haha!

Timm and Ciarran had a mature bitch about it and Timm angrily mumbled that no other man should go talking to his friends’ ‘ex-missus’. Ahh, Australian men. They really are charming aren’t they.

7. Amongst all the drama, Wholesome Conor Cleanskin took Mary on a date to practice their wedding dance.

We use his name now (kind of), because we simply have to stan.

I’m sorry I ever photoshopped a loaf of white bread over you, Conor.

8. In the Jackson, Litney and Cassandra love triangle, everyone is confused.

It turned out Litney and Jackson shared a cheeky pash the night before, but when Mary went to go quiz Jackson on his feelings he still said he was torn between Cass and Litney.

Cass is confused to hear about Litney and Jackson sharing a cheeky pash because he gave her a massage the other day. If that was truly a confusing sign for Cass, one may say she should’ve stopped using Niranga as her personal masseuse days ago, but who am I to judge? Sometimes a girl just needs to get a free massage.

Speaking of massages, I’m still emotionally scarred by this.

And so is this bird.

9. Back in love triangle land, Cass told Litney that she’ll give her rose to Scot and won’t interfere with Litney and Jackson’s blossoming romance.

When Cass brought up the kiss, Brittney asked Cass who she’d give her rose to and after a big “ummm” she kinda unconvincingly dropped Scot’s name. Which led to Litney saying she’d give her rose to Jackson.

To which Cass said…

Hmmm, if I know anything about this show (and sadly, I know a lot) showing this conversation can’t be a good sign of things to come.

10. Greg took Alisha on a date and in a personal attack against me directly, it featured a bath.

Greg told Alisha when seahorses court each other they actually change colour. So the two decided to paint colours on each other and talk about what that colour represented about what they liked about each other and blah blah blah.

I got distracted because the only thing I know about seahorses is that the male seahorse gives birth, so talk to me when we can figure out the human equivalent of THAT.

Anyway, they both painted each other and said the most LOVELY things and Alisha said Greg healed her heart and I yelled at them that they both healed my heart and they told me to shut the fuck up and stop watching them in the bath because they’re on a date.

“Goodbye to the umbrella of ambiguity, welcome Glenn Smith!” Alisha said, which is also immediately something I printed out for my vision board. Not for the actual Glenn, I am very happy he is with Alisha, I’ve just been busy doing some research on my days off*.

*Haha just kidding, I don’t have days off.

11. In related news, I’m not crying, I just realised I’ll never have a love like Greg and Alisha.

I’m happy for them! I AM HAPPY FOR THEM.

I AM.

12. At the rose ceremony, Cass changed her mind and said she now has a “swinging rose”.

That’s what I call myself when I’m drunk.

After Brittney told Jackson he would be getting her rose, Cass also decided that maybe… just maybe… she wants to give her rose to Jackson too. Alisha, our queen of peace, told Cass that if her mind was going to change that she needed to be upfront about it with Brittney.

Cass reacted like Alisha had just asked her to vacuum her room. An honest chat? No thanks! Beneath her!

13. Oh yeah, and also, everyone was crying?!

Not me though, I haven’t felt a single human emotion since September 2017 after Stu Laundy told us all he’d get his vasectomy reversed if he had to.

Mary left Niranga with some words of advice. “You don’t accept crumbs, just get the whole bread,” she said.

I mean, well, she’d know.

14. Cass pulled Litney away for a private chat with… well, her and Mary, and things are hostile.

Mary, go find your wholesome bread man because this ain’t it, sis.

Cass asked Brittney how she’d feel if Cass gave her rose to Jackson. Brittney was pretty upfront and said Cass could do whatever she wanted, but that she would continue to pursue Jackson because she’s been honest about her connection with him from the start. Cass decided to quiz Brittney on whether or not Jackson had specifically said that he feels a connection with her, before dropping that she feels like she’s a pretty good person to chat to Brittney about this whole situation.

Brittney eventually got fed up with the conversation and ended it (power to her) and Cass remarked that she’s “weird and rude” and “one angry chick” which is hilariously… the opposite of everything we’ve seen from Brittney this whole show.

15. At the rose ceremony, Wholesome Conor Cleanskin looked randomly shocked when Mary called his name.

IDK why this was so funny to me. Whatever sparks joy at this stage, I guess.

16. And Cass got in to give Jackson her rose before Litney, proving that Litney has the WORST Paradise luck.

Even Mary her bff is shook!

17. Also we farewelled Jamie, Cleanskin, and Niranga.

I was just starting to warm up to Gilly too because he was dropping some hot takes at the Bula Banquet. Go forth Gilly and King Niranga. Go forth and find your better people.

PHEW, what a week you guys. I don’t know about you, but I need a long sleep and about 10 margaritas before Sunday kicks off again. See you then!