‘The Bachelorette’ Premiere: Yup, This Season Is Gonna Be A Bloody Mess
Welcome back! It’s been so long since we last had a chat about finding love on reality TV shows!
It’s no surprise to me now a band called The Darkness has a song titled “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” because that’s an oxymoron if I ever did see one. And, I, a regular moron, am somehow still recapping this bloody show.
But enough about my bad life choices, otherwise we’d be here all night. Let’s debrief what happened tonight.
We start with a sad montage of Tim Robards smashing Ali’s heart with a baseball bat.
Osher comes in to get us excited for our “most beloved Bachelorette yet” except like, Sophie Monk anyone?
Ali declares in the promo she’s fallen madly in love, only for Osher to ask if she’s sure she’s making the right choice. Uh-oh.
“It’s just, I have trust issues after last season,” I texted my therapist immediately, except my therapist is called ‘Twitter” and Twitter was also going into meltdown mode.
And then we get this visual of Ali. Damn, it’s gonna be a long six weeks, fam.
Luckily for you, you don’t even have to watch it, you can just watch the Punkee recaps at 8:30 am the day after! Thank you, just like that Rob Thomas & Santana song, that was very ‘Smooth’.
Thank you again, only my Dad will like that joke!
No, wait he just texted me saying it was bad. Let’s move on.
Before we officially start her journey, Ali prayed to the Bachy overlord.
“To our Bachy Queen,
Creator of the sun,
Help me find everlasting love,
Or at least a bit of fun.”
“How have you gone in the past finding men?” Osher asked.
Really bad actually, lmao, see my last relation-… oh wait, Osher was asking Ali. Sure.
We meet the first guy, Charlie, who gifted Ali a journal.
Ahh, we all love a good diary on this show!
Guy number two, Plumber Robert, was also carrying a gift.
Just kidding, he gave her pasta sauce because he’s Italian. I heard my Nonna’s screams directly from my hometown, five hours away. “Why don’t you bring home a man like this?!” she begged. Robert, call me if Ali dumps you.
Guy number three, Ivan, is an absolute giant who would absolutely list his height on his Tinder bio.
“6’4 because APPARENTLY IT MATTERS,” the bio would scream.
Ivan is also a dancer as we… witnessed.
I, too, am a dancer after a few wines.
Nathan, 23, strutted in to the tune of some subtle villain music, while also holding a giant teddy bear.
“Obviously girls love me,” he confidently stated. “I’m a good looking, funny, charismatic…”
I’m sure there was more but I was too busy deleting all of my dating apps and doing some Googling:
Nathan was always the first one to say he was excited to meet the other boys, as one is when they’re on a show to “search” for “love.”
Meanwhile, an update on me:
Next up we meet Bill. He has a confession to make. After much suspense, he confessed his real name is David.
What a nail-biting ad break. I say this every season, but you have your whole seat and you only ever need the edge!
We fast-forward through a bunch of other guys including Honey Badger 2.0 and… other white males.
Paddy arrived to the sound of some techno beat and said he wanted to win Ali over with his soccer skills. Obviously, that method worked really well for Michael Turnbull.
Paddy is every guy you see at the bar that offers to buy you a drink, and when you refuse says “whatever, I wasn’t interested in you anyway, you’re ugly, I just felt bad for you.”
Channel 10 tried to then force some humour by putting a guy in squeaky “armour” in the car with two other blokes, one who was holding a lamb.
Todd (wearing the fake armour) and Pete (sitting in the middle) are forced to act out that Pete wants to start a convo while Todd flat out ignores him. It’s very real and natural!
Pete meets Ali, who calls him a “gentleman” at some stage, while he then comments to the camera about how “everyone knows he loves a girl with a nice ass.”
Squeaky armour man, Todd, and Ali hit it off talking about new beginnings and saluting under the sun and whatever else Ali is into.
“I’m surprised my armour isn’t moving!” Todd exclaimed. “Ew???” I said back. “I can feel my heart beating through this,” he clarified.
Right. Sorry, Todd. I’ll go back to the gutter where I live.
Meanwhile, Paddy is yelling (literally) to the other guys about how “fit as fuck” Ali is.
Warning: Do NOT under ANY circumstances do a shot of tequila every time Paddy says “fit”. If you do, you WILL text that thottie from Instagram “u alsep or up?” at 8pm, accidentally drunk dial your mum, and then have to go get your stomach pumped! I’m not saying this happened to me! But I’m also not saying I’m not typing this from the afterlife!
Ali, meanwhile, is wondering how the hell she is going to be able to make a choice from all these eligible men!
The guys lost their shit over meeting Osher and Osher introduced a new rose: ‘The wild rose.’
You’d reckon by this stage I just made that up, but I honestly didn’t. The rose gives the power to swap out a single date: so whatever man wins it, can sabotage someone else’s date with Ali and put himself on it instead. Y’know, normal dating things.
“There goes the bro-code!” someone shouted as my fallopian tubes sealed themselves shut.
Ali made her grand entrance, while the men applauded and gawked over her, as though they hadn’t just seen her five minutes previously.
“It’s humbling you’ve come here for me,” she said. I also say that line to my coworkers most mornings and they’re like “um, we’re being paid to be here, it’s nothing to do with you??”
The cocktail party had more testosterone pumping than an all-boys boarding school.
Honestly, the most repeated phrase was a slow drawl of “How ya gooiiiin’?” aka the Aussie male mating call.
Nathan and Paddy get into a bit of biff and, apparently, it wasn’t over Nathan’s bad facial hair.
And people say the ladies are dramatic. Meanwhile, poor oblivious Ali was still talking about how genuine all the guys are.
Meanwhile, Jules showed Ali his butt.
Look, she did ask to see his bad tattoo.
As Paddy continued to scream that Ali was “FIT AS FUUUUUUUCK” (don’t drink!!) Daddy Damien pulled him aside to let him know it wasn’t appropriate.
Damien told him it’s not exactly a respectable way to talk about a woman, and Paddy was like, “it’s the truth tho, like it’s a compliment?”
I just have no idea how Paddy could possibly be single.
Ivan decided to make up a dance routine to relieve the tension.
Honestly, when he gets booted from the show, I hope he meets up with Britt 2.0 and they live a happy life together.
Charlie got some solo time with Ali and some top three music. I came to the startling realisation Charlie was reeking of Sash 2.0 vibes.
Everyone who watched Sam Frost’s season, raise your hands! OK! Now let’s all discuss while we’re still so wildly dedicated to this show! OK, maybe later.
Ali gifted Bill with the ‘wild rose’ after they talked about feelings and other boring things, and also gave him a cheeky smooch.
Nothing to see here, lads!
At the rose ceremony, Paddy tried and failed to not look wasted.
Somehow he still got a rose. But we all know why.
(Ratings! Drama! He will go on a date with Ali and Nathan at some point and she’ll have to choose one! Etc!)
Honey Badger 2.0 and some other loaf of bread got eliminated.
RIP!
Tomorrow night: The guys probably slap each other on the bum or kick each other in the balls to celebrate going on a date, IDK, I don’t understand men.
