‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 6: I Never Want To Hear The Names Charlie & Bill Again

Hi! Welcome back to another long tangent of me talking to myself about The Bachelorette.

I’ve always liked the name Charlie. I’d call my kid Charlie one day. At least I thought so, until I realised I’d rather just get a puppy and call it Charlie. Which I was really into until I started watching this show and Charlie ruined the name for me forever.

Bill didn’t ruin his name for me, because I never imagined calling my future kids/dogs Bill, so that’s OK, but I’m not sure if I’m in a place where I’m ready to forgive Charlie yet.

Anyway. As my mum would say, “stop talking about yourself and wasting everyone’s time.”

Taite got the single date! “Osher” “set up” a treasure hunt for Ali and Taite. What a sweetie!

Osher, a man of many talents. Wouldn’t mind Osh setting up some clues for me to lead me to the end of this godforsaken show.

Ali said the energy between herself and Taite is “electric” and she doesn’t even know how to describe it, except she just did??

Sometimes when I’m bored during the show I look at Todd’s Instagram and the energy is just as electric.

Ali and Taite stumble across a snow globe with a photo of them from the erotic novel shoot date and finally pashed.

Tongues! Wiggling! In! Mouths! Or whatever kissing is, I’ve never actually been kissed before.

Ali and Taite finished their boring treasure hunt and settled by a campfire to make out some more.

So. Much. Kissing.

Ali stroked Taite’s nose like a horse while they stared at each other.

“Huh,” I thought to myself, before writing down in my diary “stroke man’s nose to show you like him.”

Plot twist: they kiss some more!

“I’m so alone,” I muttered swiping through Bumble for the 17th time today. “I know you’re going to delete that app again by the end of the episode!” my elderly neighbour screeched from next door. “The only man that visits you is that Uber Eats man.”

Ugh, she’s so right.

On the group date, the men are dressed up like every guy you see at the races who says he lives in the Eastern Suburbs and enjoys “yoga” and “meditating” on the beach. “Bondi, too many tourists though, yucky,” he’d sigh heavily.

Meanwhile, Ali is dressed up as the wall from Gotye & Kimbra’s ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ video.

We get introduced to Ali’s cousin and friend, Jess and Bianca, who are iconic and also my new BFFS.

“Let’s shred ’em,” one of them said to the other as they got ready to quiz the boys to find out who the best match for Ali is.

They loved Todd and Taite, and thought Stu Laundy 2.0 seemed nice. They were a bit confused when Danny told them “kids cost money so that would come at a cost” (yeah the cost of your FREEDOM), and they were thoroughly charmed by Bill.

Charlie waltzed in and talked to the ladies about the love of his life: Bill.

Just kiss already!

But the real hot mess was our boy Robert, who swallowed a self-help book before meeting the ladies.

Robert talked very fast about whether Ali had learned from her past mistakes and if she had “done the work” to learn from such mistakes. “I need a woman who’s strong and can stand on her own two feet,” he declared to the ladies.

“I NEED TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING,” Robert yelled. Hon. You made that obvious.

As he left, Ali’s friend said she felt the need to “cleanse herself of him.”

Honestly, I need to cleanse myself of this show.

Ali and her BFFS got together to talk about which men were studs and which were duds.

Basically, it was like “everyone is pretty cool but ya mate Robert is batshit insane”… and poor Ali was not ready to hear that.

On the plus side, the girls (like the rest of Australia) told Ali to spend some more time with Todd. FINALLY.

At the cocktail party, Charlie and Bill had another fight.

You could cut the sexual tension with a blunt knife.

The thing is Charlie and Bill both seem like psychos, but one of them could absolutely get IT. I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusion on who I am talking about.

Ali pulled Robert away to chat to him about being more intense than Ivan’s dancing (RIP) and he let his freak flag fly again.

“All I’m getting from Robert is a lecture on self-development,” Ali said, 100% seeing through his shit.

Ali dropped to Robert that her girlfriends weren’t sure they’d be a good match and he goes on some rambling spiel on how he shouldn’t have to convince her and she needs to make the right choice for herself.

Honestly, this is why I don’t date. You have one good date and next minute you’re fighting about literally NOTHING and then it continues for three years and before you know it you’re moving ou- never mind.

Here are my actual written notes from the rose ceremony:

This is Daniel???

Daniel got the first rose! Go Daniel! All of Australia is behind you being the next Steven Bradbury, you can do it champ!

I can’t believe Daniel is gonna win this damn thing.

Halfway through the ceremony, Ali pulled Danny outside to kick him out. Osher came in to tell the boys Danny has left, even though they all watched it happen from the window.

Osher then dramatically takes another rose away. “The ceremony will continue,” he sternly told them.

Ali then says “hooroo” to Pete. This is Pete btw:

Robert was the last man she gave a rose to — a strongly worded message! Shit out that self-help encyclopaedia and focus on dating again, Robert!

Next week I think Todd finally gets a date, so I guess I will have to tune in again.