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‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 2: Everyone Needs To Take A Cold Shower

Thank you for joining us again as we debrief on Ali’s search for her prince charming. It’s a futile one, but I’m not here to ruin anyone’s fun. Much.

I really enjoy shows like The Bachelorette because it reinforces to me that I am not missing out on much by not dating, you know?

But let’s not analyse why I watch this show every damn season and sometimes get a bit teary-eyed by true love at the end. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.

The sun rises and quickly falls on a new day.

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Some would say this is a metaphor, but we’re not in Extension 1 English here. I am simply pointing out that the day started with the guys debriefing and Osher popping by, and by the time Osher left the house it was night. That was one long debrief!

Paddy lets us know that he is “delicious”. Absolutely his words, I take no creative license here.

paddy the bachelorette ali

Paddy is about as delicious as a five-day-old Macca’s cheeseburger that you found wedged between your bed and the wall from that drunk Saturday night out.

Charlie, aka Sasha 2.0, gets the first date card. Dream journals DO work for some!

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Bill doesn’t intercept the date, and all’s well that end’s well.

That’s it. That’s the end of the show.

Charlie & Ali live happily ever after.

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Just kidding! We still have another five weeks! You’re not rid of me just yet.

Charlie and Ali’s date is a simple concept. Twister. We all love Twister!

Ali charlie the bachelorette recap

But alas, because it’s The Bachelorette, they have to be suspended 60-metres in the air because what’s true love without putting your life at risk?

This show is giving me unrealistic expectations of what to expect from dating in the future. “It’s unrealistic that you’d even date tbh,” my elderly neighbour yelled from next door.


The group date is announced. I asked Siri to show me the whitest thing ever:

the bachelorette men recap

Paddy says the group date is going to be “Paddy-tastic!”. On a related note:

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Meanwhile, Ali basically hyperventilated on her date with Charlie and did not want to play Twister 60-metres up in the air for some reason.

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A wasted date! Whoever organised this date, call me, I’ll do it! I’m trying to get that guy’s attention who does the TL;DR for Ten Daily.

As they approach safety, Charlie did well at calming down a hyperventilating Ali. “What’s the worst that could happen?” he asked. I mean, death I guess Charlie, but you do you.

Then they have a really sloppy kiss. Like “I’ve just had two bottles of Passion Pop & thought you looked hot on the dancefloor” sloppy.

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Not that I know that kinda kiss from experience! I’ve only ever practised kissing on my hand… and my pillow named Greg.

Here it is again in case you missed it:

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My virgin eyes! This is why my Nonna always told me to stay away from men!

They then get dressed in white to get married.

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“You’re my prince,” Ali said to Charlie which is a very normal, natural thing to say on a first date. Not that I can judge first dates, a guy once told me he had a pet snake and I said “do you play with it often?” then laughed way too hard at my own joke, and- well… he never called me back.

Ali tells us she’s happy to trade the heights for a handsome drink and a stiff man.

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Yes. She said this. Yes, it was probably scripted. Yes, I too like a hot drink and a cheap man.

Charlie told Ali he could see himself falling in love with her. Normally on first dates, this is a red light. For Ali, it’s ‘pass go and collect $200.’

ali charlie kiss the bachelorette recap

They made out again and Charlie’s hand hovered awkwardly around her boob before he settled on just leaving it on her leg.

Thank you! Let’s keep this PG-rated. My 18-month-old son hasn’t slept since Honey Badger and Sophie’s spa date, he’s been having night terrors. “Pools are so unsanitary, mother!” he screamed at midnight last night.

Back at the house, Charlie popped up to say hi to the guys and tell them all to go home.

charlie ali the bachelorette

Charlie’s intensity about Ali raised eyebrows from some men. “I could see myself falling in love,” Charlie bellowed, beating his chest like Tarzan. “Zero-100, this guy,” one bro commented.

Oh no. Charlie is Jarrod 2.0 isn’t he?

Everyone, empty your bladders and hide your pot plants.

The group date was for Mills & Boon book covers. The boys are bloody stoked.

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Jules described the books as “popular for elegant ladies,” while Dan said the key was to “not look creepy”. Dan’s advice is truly evergreen for all men.

The first photo shoot has Jules in the photographer spot, and he takes it a little too seriously.

Literally, by the end of it he is trying to direct the photographer. Ali, however, is thrilled to be standing next to half-naked men. Get it, girl.

OK, now it’s time for the best part of the episode. Ali got cosy with Robert, while Paddy was dressed as a bellboy.

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Paddy seems like he has a lot of baggage he hasn’t sorted through, so this really made the most sense.

Todd was placed with three other nameless men, but who cares about them tbh.

todd the bachelorette australia

“Todd can gatecrash my party anytime,” said a very satisfied Ali. Honestly, girl, same.

Dan, aka Stu Laundy, decided to break up Todd and Ali’s moment by talking absolute wank, from breakfast choices to roast duck.

Hard choice here, Ali! Do you banter with the hot guy in facepaint giving you serious eyes, or the guy talking about the best roast duck he’s ever had?!

Taite scored the 1:1 shoot, and somehow he and Ali didn’t kiss even though they were 0.0002 centimetres away from each other’s faces.

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“God, this show makes me feel so alone,” I muttered to my newly installed Bumble app. “I know you’re going to delete me again tomorrow,” it sighed back to me.

At the second cocktail party, Ali stole Robert away. She had something to give him.

the bachelorette ali rob kiss

A big dirty pash! “It was so nice, so sensual,” Ali said.

Ali has been reading too many Mills & Boon books.

Meanwhile, Charlie was busy doing his best to get the Jarrod 2.0 edit. No, Charlie! I expected better!

charlie the bachelorette australia

Ugh, I guess my Sasha 2.0 is really just a Jarrod 2.0. It’s like opening up a mini easter egg and realising someone’s already eaten the chocolate and put a grape inside, instead.

Just me and my family? OK then.

Paddy stood in the bushes to watch Charlie intercept Ali.

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All these men are so normal.

At the rose ceremony, Jules was having a great time.

Jules the bachelorette

No guys, he’s fine!

jules the bachelorette

He’s cool, calm and collected!

the bachelorette australia

Anyway, we said goodbye to Cheyne. Shane? Sheyne? Chane? Cheyne.

cheyne the bachelorette

Next week: The men keep fighting over Ali. Paddy probably pisses in Charlie’s pot plant. I rethink my decision to give up weeknight drinking.

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Oh, and we MAY finally found out the truth about Grant!

Stay tuned for the Punkee video recap, dropping 8:30 am tomorrow!