5 Totally Foolproof Ways To Deal With A Shitty Housemate

Housemates, who needs ’em! Well bitch, have you’ve seen the price of rent in Sydney? You need them, that’s who.

When you can’t exactly afford the luxury of living alone, you’re forced into the massive gamble that is a share housing.

Now there are two types of share houses: the one where you and a few of your good mates decide you like each other enough to live under the same roof, and the one where you enter not knowing anyone and are forced to live with strangers. Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse.

I’ve done both, and in my short 21 years on this earth, I’ve lived in five different share houses and have had a total of 12 different housemates. I’ve lived with sociopaths, couples who have sex so loud it can only be compared to police sirens, food stealers, toiletry stealers, sock stealers (that was a weird one), total messes, perfect angels and literally anything and everything in-between.

Have you got a piece of shit housemate? We’ve got you, with five totally foolproof* ways to deal with it.

*Results may vary.

#1 Identify The Problem

Some people are born a piece of shit, others achieve shittiness, while others have shit thrust upon them. What is it that makes your housemate such a fucking monster?

Maybe they refuse to wash up, leave their wet clothes in the washing machine for days at a time, steal your avocados, will eat the leftover Thai you were saving for an inevitable hangover — whatever the issue is, you’ve got to identify it.

Once you’ve got it, ask yourself: is this something I can continue to live with? I’m going to assume the answer is no, so let’s move on to step two.

#2 Call Them Out On Their Bullshit

When you’re filled to the brim with anger, and finally build up the courage to confront your housemate on their nasty-ass ways, it can easily become a screaming match. But that’s super counterproductive and will just end up with someone getting their feelings hurt. That’s not the aim of the game!

Remembering that this a discussion, not an argument. Figure out what you want to say, say it, and remember to let your housemate respond. Maybe they’ve got an excuse! Maybe they were born with the rare condition, piece-of-shit-itis, who knows?

The most important thing is that they know you’re uncomfortable or unhappy with the way they’ve been acting.

#3 Set Boundaries & Rules

After you and your housemate have had the chat it’s time to come up with a solution to the beef y’all have. If it’s messiness that’s an issue, introduce a cleaning roster. It’s literally the least sexy thing in existence, but it works — trust me.

Everyone has a job and is responsible for said job. If it’s not done, you can drag them to the fridge, point at their name that clearly says it’s their turn to clean the bathroom and that’s that. Gag them with those receipts, sweaty!

If it’s personal space, or you need some peace and quiet or something similar, make a rule that if your door is closed, your housemate isn’t allowed to bother you under any circumstances. Unless like, there’s a fire or a burglary or… you get it. Create rules and boundaries that aim to fix the issues you’ve got.

#4 Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

So I had this housemate one time, a really good friend of mine actually, and he was just THE WORST. Love him to death still to this day but shit man, he sucked to live with. He used to do this thing where he would make bacon toasted sandwiches, but wouldn’t cook the bacon. Okay… that’s beside the point.

He would just NEVER wash up. I mean, we had a dishwasher and if it had just run a cycle, instead of unpacking it he would chuck his dirty dishes on top of clean ones. Understandably, it did my fucking head in.

I waited until he had accumulated a fair amount of filthy dishes, waited ’till he went to work, then stacked them all on his bed.

Was this crazy? Probably. Was he furious, and didn’t talk to me for a week? Yes. Did he stop leaving fucking dirty dishes out? Absolutely.

Look, I’m not saying to put dirty dishes in your housemate’s bed, but I’m also not not telling you to do it.

#5 Move Out

The beauty of being an adult is that you can do whatever you want. Don’t like where you’re living? Move!

Obviously it’s expensive, it’s annoying, etc. etc. but at the end of the day, being unhappy at home is so, so toxic and it can seriously ruin your life. I recommend trying to sort shit out with your housemate before packing up and leaving, but just know it’s always an option.