4 things even the most vanilla amongst us can take from BDSM
Within BDSM, play is consensual, boundaries are set and respected and communication happens before, during and after. These are all things that seem like common sense, but recent studies into non-consensual rough sex are making it clear that our consent education isn’t going as far as it needs to.
As a certified sex educator and a kink enthusiast, I have a lot of respect for the BDSM community and their standards around communication and consent that I think can be applied to so much of what we deem non-kinky or “vanilla” sex (which, by the way, I’m absolutely not using in a derogatory way).
So, what can we learn about great sex from the BDSM community? Honestly, a lot! But here are my top four takeaways.
1. How to communicate about sex and ask for what you want
It would be amazing if our partners could mind-read and know exactly what we like and want without us needing to tell them… unfortunately, that’s not going to happen, so you are going to have to talk about it. Sorry!
And this is where we can learn a lot from the BDSM community. Communication in BDSM is essential. BDSM practices involve more than just the physical act of sex – they’re seen as play that involves our bodies, our senses, our intellect, and quite a big dash of creativity.
And this means that kinky folk need to talk about and lay out what’s going to happen in a scene. That means finding out what all parties are into sexually and finding common ground where their interests match.
And why should this differ from everyday sex? It might be less whips and cuffs and more oral and reverse cowgirl, but this is what ensures a great experience for both people.
Understanding what each partner likes and doesn’t like, and making the stuff you are into the basis of your sexual session. It’s a surefire way to ensure a happy ending for everyone!
But there’s more to it than that. Good sexual communication skills allow you to discuss sexual fantasies and desires comfortably inviting more novelty in your sexual play. It also establishes deeper trust and intimacy with your partner and can help you to feel more connected, which is especially important in long-term relationships.
Talking about sex can be difficult at first, but it gets easier the more you do it. I promise.
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2. How to set boundaries
It’s not just being able to talk about sex that’s important, but also being able to advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Another thing that kinky folks are seriously good at and that’s because they do it every single time they play.
Before the clothes come off and the cuffs come out, negotiations happen. Those involved will sit down together and lay out exactly what is going to happen. It might include:
- What they are into.
- What they are okay exploring or trying with the caveat that they may need to stop.
- What needing to stop will look like with a safe word or action if they will be gagged or masked in a way that prevents them from speaking.
- How to check in with each other throughout the session to ensure everyone is having a good time.
In some cases, the negotiations may take place over a few days via email or text but will still be discussed and confirmed before the scene starts too. Because we are allowed to change our minds!
This is especially important for those who experience pain during sex or have experienced sexual shame or trauma in the past. Working together to avoid activities or situations that are going to cause you physical or psychological pain is going to make the experience a hell of a lot more enjoyable. And be a great libido booster for wanting more sex in the future too.
3. Consent and sexual safety are essential (and sexy)
Consent is woven into all parts of BDSM to ensure everyone’s safety and there are multiple frameworks that promote ethical play around consent and safety.
The common theme running through these frameworks is consent and the understanding that consent is a dialogue which is ongoing throughout an encounter. And it can be changed or withdrawn at any time. Just because someone has consented to an activity in the past doesn’t mean that they want to participate in it every time.
And for those that think asking for consent isn’t sexy? That’s just wrong.
Lay it out beforehand, talk about what you are keen to do when the time comes and build the anticipation before play. Text, flirt, send naughty messages asking if you can do this or that, or both at the same time!
Careful consent and planning in the lead-up make for one hell of a sexy playtime where you are both comfortable in the knowledge that you’re excited about what is happening and only doing things that you enjoy. And that nothing you don’t want to happen is going to occur. You can relax your mind and get into your body.
What about that isn’t sexy as hell?
4. Aftercare is essential (and a really lovely way to wrap up a play session)
Make the most of the afterglow with aftercare. Aftercare is a post-play check-in to ensure that everyone’s physical and emotional needs are being met after sex.
Think of it this way: foreplay prepares your body and mind for sex. Aftercare is for decompression and processing once it’s over.
You probably already do aftercare already – it could be cuddling, watching a film, having a shower together, or spooning ’till you fall asleep. Whatever helps you to feel good and grounded and maintain a level of intimacy with your partner.
Aftercare is essential in BDSM as it helps both partners to transition out of their sexual roles where power is involved like submissive and dominant, and mitigate the drop that can be experienced after intense scenes.
Regardless of whether it’s kinky or vanilla sex, after sex, we experience a sudden drop in hormones which can leave people with confusing feelings even if they enjoyed the experience. People have reported feelings like emptiness, depression or feeling used regardless of whether that was their partner’s intention.
And that feeling can stick with people. What happens following sex becomes part of our memory of the encounter as a whole. That’s why aftercare is so important. Ride out the afterglow and make sure that both partners leave with a positive view of the experience. Even if it’s a one-night stand.
It’s also just nice. A cup of tea and my favourite TV show after sex, yes, please!
Written by Emma Hewitt, Adulttoymegastore’s in-house Sex Educator. For more from her, head to her socials here @emintoyland.
Image credit: Canva + Punkee.