The 8 Most Insane Side Missions In The ‘Borderlands’ Games
The Borderlands games have always been a wild ride. Show me a single other game with talking guns who are more savage than a grandma after three G&Ts, self-indulgent saxophone solos and, overall, spectacular mayhem.
The missions in Borderlands are, famously, crazy. For a game all about shooting your way to a legendary vault with unimaginable treasures inside, you get given some weird and wonderful side missions that make you play matchmaker, plan birthday parties, destroy monsters with names like Queen Tarantella and meet assholes who don’t realise why it’s weird to ask you to shoot them in the face.
I don’t know man, these games are weird.
Here are 8 of the most insane side missions in the Borderlands games:
#1. The Name Game
Oh look a 3D printed bonerfart
— Flying Orca (@zparty5) November 30, 2017
As quality journalists, we recognise other quality journalism when we see it. So we have no problem helping Sir Hammerlock complete the research for his upcoming book. He sends you to investigate the Bullymong, a creature that looks a bit like a dog, if a dog looked like a monster that wanted to eat our faces.
He wants to come up with a catchier name for the Bullymong (which, fair) but all of his suggestions like “primal beasts” and “feravore” are shot down by his publisher (which, fair).
In the end, a frustrated Hammerlock gives up and calls them “bonerfarts”, and there ends your contribution to Pandora’s academic discourse.
#2. Shoot This Guy in the Face
“Shoot Face McShooty in his face.”
Borderlands is never subtle, and it obviously never heard “show, don’t tell” in high school English class.
Look, I don’t know what else to tell you about this mission. If you haven’t figured out that a) you have to shoot this guy in the face and b) Borderlands 2 is a masterpiece of storytelling then I just don’t know what to tell you.
#3. You Are Cordially Invited
For a game all about shooting people in their faces, this mission to help a little girl plan a tea party with her friends is surprisingly wholesome.
Until you defend it by shooting people in their faces, I mean.
Tiny Tina sends you out to deliver invitations and collect party supplies, and because this party is going to be off the chain, it’s crashed by a few hordes of bandits that you need to take out.
#4. Poetic License
As discussed, good intentions don’t go far on Pandora. Rough-around-the-edges mechanic Scooter hires you to help him write a love poem to woo a pretty woman named Daisy. Ever the romantic, you set off to take some inspirational photos (and get him a nudie mag in case his poem doesn’t work – his words).
Finished poem in hand, you deliver it to Daisy who, speechless at such a romantic gesture, excuses herself to her house. Moments later, there’s a gunshot from behind the door.
The poem is very bad, to be fair.
#5. Out of Body Experience
You know the saying: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me for believing that a murderous AI core can ever change its ways.
This mission sees you laden with an AI core whose prime objective is to kill – it promises that it’s totally changed its mind about killing you, though, so you decide to find it a new body to live in.
But surprise! It still wants to kill you. Haha, that old trick.
Anyway, long story short – you put it in a radio that’s incapable of killing anyone and it still tries to hurt you by playing literally the worst music in the world, and then you get a talking shotgun as a reward. What a wild ride.
#6. Kill Yourself
Some games are all about choice and consequence and make your heart hurt. Borderlands 2 doesn’t have time for all of that.
Handsome Jack is sick of fighting you at every turn on his quest for world dominance and tries to trick you into killing yourself. You’ve got two options for this side mission: do it, or don’t do it.
#7. Claptrap’s Birthday Bash!
Even robots have birthdays and even the most annoying robot in the world gets sad if nobody comes to their party.
the last of us can suck it the most heartbreaking video game moment of all time is when claptrap invites you to his birthday party and nobody else shows up
— ghost cynthia (@resurrectron) March 31, 2019
You help the overenthusiastic robot Claptrap organise his birthday party because YOU’RE A GOOD FRIEND. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions as everyone turns down the invite and you end up at the world’s most awkward party ever.
But hey, you still get a party! There’s music, pizza, streamers and the satisfaction that comes from knowing that you’re the nicest person in this hell hole.
It is very awkward though.
#8. Grandma Flexington’s Story
Put away your guns, sit down and shut up as Grandma Flexington tells you a long (looong) story.
Most games don’t ask you to do absolutely nothing for twelve minutes, but that’s exactly how long her story goes for.
Granny was a badass back in the day and she starts by telling you a story about a monster she fought called Blowhole the Apocalypse (hold up, sign me up for this story) that quickly derails into a rambling tale about… rocky road ice cream? Honestly, I don’t know, I’ve blocked most of this mission out but it’s an insane story.
Anyway if you hate yourself and want to listen to the whole thing, don’t let me stop you.
(Lead image: Gearbox Official)