Boy Sober, Dating Up And Whether TikTok’s Dating Advice Is Rubbish
Guys, I’m drowning in algorithmic advice.
The latest dating trend TikTok is screaming at me is Boy Sober. Coined by 26-year-old comedian Hope Woodard, the movement essentially demands a clean break from dating. The rules are clear: no dating apps, no dates, no exes, no situationships, and no sex. According to Hope, we’re not even allowed to write “xoxo” at the end of a text.
Before that, there was the Dating Up trend. As TikToker @alexinsummer explains, you need to identify what you’re looking for, identify the type of person you want and identify your standards – all with an upwardly mobile momentum.
Last year, TikTok taught us about Masterdating, Invisible String Theory and Stack Dating. There were also trends for those already coupled up, including the Bird Test, Orange Peel Theory and The 12 Questions List.
You guys, I’m exhausted. Is everyone ok??
When I typed “TikTok Dating Trends” into Google, I couldn’t stop laughing at the headlines and just how varied they were. From the innocuous “15 Date Ideas Inspired By TikTok Trends” to the hectic “Why the ‘penny dating’ trend is psychological torture for women”, there was a wide range of opinions as to whether or not TikTok is helping or hindering us when it comes to dating and relationships.
Personally, I feel conflicted.
On the one hand, it can be fun and informative to be given a different approach or framework to dating that you may have not considered, especially when the message is delivered to you by someone trying to empower you. When they’re silly trends and the girlies are having a laugh, it feels comforting to know you’re not alone in the hellscape that is dating in the modern age. Also, it’s TikTok. It’s really not that deep. Keep scrolling and you’ll find a funny dance or 72-step skincare routine.
On the other hand, it’s all a bit much. I don’t quite understand the TikTokian urge to define everything, to trendify the mundane and make something out of nothing. The flipside of being given new frameworks and language to use is that it can be misconstrued so easily, just as we’ve seen with the weaponisation of therapy speak. It can also be painfully patronising and force people to overthink the minutiae of their romantic life to an unhealthy extent.
I was intrigued when I saw the headline “TikTok tests are ruining our romantic relationships” pop up during my aforementioned Googling. In this Dazed piece, I found that author Serena Smith perfectly encapsulated so many of the feelings I was struggling to articulate.
Expressing alarm that “so many young people – particularly young women – are so keen to ‘test’ their partners,” Serena discusses the concept further with University of Warwick’s associate professor in media and creative industries, Dr Carolina Bandinelli (which says a lot that we’re literally seeking academic advice re: TikTok).
“I think this is representative of the strive for efficiency in what I called the post-romantic era: an era in which people are seeking ways to make love an effective and efficient business,” Dr Carolina poses, which is terrifying to me. Why must capitalism always win?!
@justhopinalongThe official boysober rules lmk if you had questions or feedback♬ original sound – Hope Woodard
Serena also explores just how contradictory dating culture has become with the rise of online advice. “Don’t settle, but accept that no one is perfect! It’s better to meet someone in real life rather than on an app, but only weirdos would approach you in the gym! Give everyone a chance, but watch out for these beige flags! Don’t accept weaponised incompetence from your partner, but it’s unrealistic to expect him to do everything ‘your way’! It’s a bad sign if you have different hobbies, but then again, opposites attract! Dump him, but also modern dating is awful and nobody wants to face The Apps so… don’t dump him?”
HELP.
In Sophia Jane’s Nylon piece aptly titled “TikTok Dating Advice is Hell on Earth”, Jane worries that dating is becoming conflated with “our culture of constant self-diagnoses”, noting that “it’s easier to think you’re the one who needs to be fixed by pop psychology than surrender to the fact that we can’t control if people hurt us, if they leave us on read, or tell us they love us and then change their mind the next day.”
Sophia examines how the algorithm is encouraging us to erase our feelings of discomfort, rather than learning to sit with them (which can be a very beneficial skill to have).
“TikTok advice tries to guarantee certainty for something that’s defined by its lack of certainty. The uncertainty is why it’s fun. When you’re dating, you don’t always know what’s going to happen. You don’t always know what someone is thinking or if they’re going to show up drunk or tell you they still live with their ex. Dating is defined because of its grey areas, not in spite of them.”
So with all this in mind, I think my stance is…
Be boy sober, or have lots of fun (safe) sex. Date up, date down. Date yourself, date no one. Ask your partner lots of questions but don’t punish them if they give you the wrong answer. Stop thinking that you need to appease strangers on the internet by abiding by rules that have been hashtagged. Be open to trying things and changing your mind. Tell us about it in a funny video, or write it in a journal. And, just as it was before TikTok, try to avoid needing to use the words “dating” and “viral” in a sentence together.
Written by Lil Friedmann, a lurker on The Apps and clocking 12 hours a day (and counting) on TikTok. You can follow her at @lilfriedmann on socials.
Image credit: @justhopinalong, @latishaclarkk, @sarahrell + Punkee