Your Bubble Tea Order Based On How Basic You Are
Somewhere in the world rn, someone is trying bubble tea out of peer pressure.
Deep down, we are all a little bit basic.
Yes, even you Jess, you’re basic.
You have to admit it: bubble tea is a trend. Unless you’re a foreign exchange student from Taiwan who wears Balenciaga Triple S Sneakers and an off-white belt, then you know that you only jumped on Boba for the hype.
However, unlike Froyo, this trend isn’t going away anytime soon, and while rn the system is being clogged with HSC students and wannabe influencers, it’s time to actually read the menu and branch the fk out.
Therefore, we’ve cultivated a list of Australia’s most basic bubble tea orders, as well as who the basic b**ches are behind the orders.
Green Peach Iced Tea With Pearls/Lychee Jelly
Level of Basic: 100/10
It’s your first time getting bubble tea and you are so excited. You finish up at F45 and upon arriving at your store of choice, decide on the Peach Iced Tea because you’re a slut for a good ol’ Lipton Peach Drink which you regularly have down at your local poké bowl place.
After receiving your beverage, you scoff at the sales assistant and say ‘no straw’, to which you whip out your reusable metal straw, and upload a selfie to your story with the hashtag ‘#STOPSUCKING’.
Ironic.
Cheese Foam Milk Tea
Level Of Basic: 5/10
You’re an exchange student who’s decked out in the latest oversized off-white Balenciaga speed runners. You’re doing your masters in accounting and constantly stand outside campus smoking coloured cigarettes.
You head to the King Tea on campus and order your Milk Tea with Cheese Foam and take it to the library and set it next to you, never once sipping it because who the fk likes cheese foam on plain milk.
Taro Milk Tea with Pearls
Level Of Basic: 7/10
Your local Yogurberry has shut down due to poor sales and you are livid because you went twice in the last three years to get your taro frozen yoghurt with popping pearls. Your friend recommends you the Taro Milk Tea, to which you seem unsure about because it doesn’t have a cool shortened word like ‘Froyo’. However, you try it out and get rainbow jellies to remind you of how fun you are.
Cut to two months later and it is all you drink after going to Anytime Fitness for 30 mins each day. However, last week when you were raving to Jess about how good it was, she asked you what taro was to which you had no idea.
Strawberry Green Iced Tea
Level Of Basic: 7/10
You are a 16-year-old schoolgirl who’s just finished 5th period Chem which you took because your parents forced you. You head to Westfield after school in your uniform, where you order your Strawberry Green Tea on the student discount.
You then take your drink over to the train station where you walk around in school uniform, holding your huge binder with colour coded subjects. You continue to consume this drink for the duration of your time there, never finishing the last sip until you head home.
Premium Pearl Milk Tea
Level Of Basic: 10/10
Oztag is your entire life and you have four comps that you play in every week. After finishing up your Tuesday game, you head to your favourite bubble tea place where you order the Premium Pearl because you’re bulking and all that dairy will increase your daily caloric intake. You hate spicy foods, and this is the only one that isn’t too hot for your palette.
Brown Sugar Milk Tea
Level Of Basic: 9/10
Your catchphrase in life as “If You Didn’t Snapchat It, Did You Even Get Bubble Tea?”, to which you’re in the process of trademarking. You order the Brown Sugar Milk Tea because you have fond memories of brown sugar in your parents’ cupboard, that always went off because no one ever used it for anything.
While you wait, you look for the best angle around CoCo Fresh, so that you can film the classic ‘shaking the brown sugar milk tea’ boomerang, as your followers luckily get to watch your syrup beverage mix up and form a drink that literally tastes like milk.
Matcha Milk Tea
Level Of Basic: 5/10
You order the Matcha Milk Tea from GongCha because your favourite influencer said that matcha has heaps of health benefits and is loaded with antioxidants. You say ‘full sugar’, and ‘extra pearls’, and are already so excited for your body to soak in all the benefits it has to offer. When people ask you “what’s that?” you say “it’s matcha xx”, but deep down you have literally no idea what matcha is and think it tastes like timber.
You head home and begin to prep for your 10-step-Korean-skincare-routine.
Mango Milk/Iced Tea
Level Of Basic: 9/10
It’s a hot summer day and you are dying for a refreshment. You’ve spent your day studying your part-time media degree and working in retail, so it’s time to kick back and enjoy life a little. You order the Mango Iced Tea for a refreshment boost, or maybe get the milky tea to keep your metabolism high.
You’re not very adventurous in real life (other than the Bondi To Bronte), but love to repost palm trees and banana leaves because it goes with your feed aesthetic.
Thai Milk Tea
Level Of Basic: 6/10
Every week you go to your local Thai restaurant where you order the most authentic, culture driven, hidden treasure item on the menu: Pad Thai. You then order the Thai Milk Tea because you took a boat tour to Phi Phi Islands once with your Caucasian family and you want to relive those times.
You make sure your outfit doesn’t clash with the orange tea colour because you have a meeting with your Student Flights travel agent to do Hanoi to Ho Chi Minh this July. You have a fast metabolism, and probably don’t know that they sweeten this drink by adding in tablespoons of condensed milk.
Lychee With Lychee Jelly
Level Of Basic: 8/10
Lychee has always been your ride or die, ever since you smelt it at Glasshouse. You pull up to bubble tea and order the Lychee Tea with Lychee Jelly, cos you a freak lik dat.
You take your beverage and sit outside Starbucks, swiping through every guy on Tinder but never replying back to any of their messages because you’re only on it for the attention. However, once someone hands you a real-life Lychee fruit, you don’t know what to do with it and complain it looks like testicles.