You Didn’t Dream Them: Cancelled ‘00s TV Shows No One Remembers
The ’00s were a weird time for television. Reality TV had just started experimenting with nihilism, no one had any idea what an influencer was, and contestants were much, much easier to manipulate. It was a wild west frontier, back when TV stations didn’t have to compete with the internet, leading to some rather questionable and extremely forgettable shows.
While everyone else has moved on, I am cursed with a memory that can recall far too many of these obscure footnotes in Australian reality TV, even if I can never usually remember what I had for dinner the previous night.
In an attempt to purge my long-term memory and ensure you suffer alongside me, here are some of the most bizarre cancelled ’00s TV shows that no one remembers.
My Kid’s A Star
The year is 2008, you are the parent of a child you believe is destined for fame and fortune. Do you a) get them to audition for film and TV roles, b) start a YouTube channel, or c) sign both of you up for a reality TV show that will mostly focus on you and other mad parents?
For the 10 parents on the short lived series My Kid’s A Star c) was the only option.
Hosted by Cameron Daddo (because when you have average Australian TV, a Daddo will always be miraculously summoned) the show followed 10 child performers and their parents on a six-week talent bootcamp. The judges included former child actor Danny Bonaduce or, as Rove called him later that week, “some ranga no one has ever heard of.”
Sounds boring? Well it was.
Unsurprisingly, the parents were the focus of the show but their desire to live their dreams of stardom vicariously through their kids (none of which are famous now btw) didn’t make for compelling viewing. After just two episodes aired, ratings were so low it was dropped to Saturday 12pm and was cut from an hour long to just 30 minutes.
Yasmin’s Getting Married
In August 2006, Network 10 mercilessly flogged Yasmin’s Getting Married, an Australian version of a similar Scandavian show, featuring the eponymous Yasmin organising her wedding. The only catch is, our Yasmin doesn’t have a fiancé, or a boyfriend, or anyone to marry. What she does have is a list of six candidates and a panel of “experts.”
Yasmin wasn’t even an ex-Big Brother contestant before the show, she was a recruitment manager, you know, those people really known for their bodacious personalities. Network 10 just assumed we would tune in to watch some complete rando organise a desperate wedding with literally anyone available.
Yasmin’s Getting Married was cancelled one week into a planned nine-week run. Out of obligation, they still paid for Yasmin’s wedding although she did not find a groom in time. Apparently, Network 10 still uses the term “a Yasmin” to refer to a failed program.
But hey, Stephanie McIntosh included the show’s theme song, a cover of Dusty Springfield’s “Wishin’ and Hopin”, on her album Tightrope so the show lives on in some positive way, right?
Monster House
“Everybody loves a prank show!” one Nine Network exec presumably exclaimed back in 2007. “Yes, but you know what ALL prank shows are missing?” mused another exec. “A long running narrative!” they boomed in unison.
Debuting in February 2008, Monster House was an Australian reality/comedy series centred around the Webb family, named for their ability to draw unsuspecting subjects into their sticky web – a purpose built house full of hidden cameras.
This one is kind of hard to write about because, like most Australians, I didn’t watch it. After two episodes Channel Nine pulled it and ended up running it later at the same time the Beijing Olympics were on Channel Seven.
Good luck finding more information about this, it literally doesn’t exist and if it wasn’t for cast member Rebel Wilson’s continued success there might be no proof it even existed.
Shafted
Running from 2002 until 2002, Shafted was the Aussie version of a British gameshow by the same name, hosted by Hey Hey It’s Saturday mean judge Red Symons.
As my mum explained at the time, Shafted was rather mean-spirited. Like The Weakest Link, a player got ‘shafted’ every round which involved Red pulling a lever that sent the contestants plummeting off screen, presumably to their death. The final two would then bluff each other to win the remaining money which they could share, but if both attempted to take it all for themselves they both went home empty handed. Many episodes ended with no one getting anything, meaning you were already depressed right before the news headlines started on about the war on terror.
I mean, just the name alone. Shafted. For goodness sake, how did anyone think this was a good idea? This gets even weirder when you learn the original British show was not a success either. It was too droll for the British. THE BRITISH.
Even Red CBF’d by the end, signing off another half hour of rewarding $0 in prize money with the enthusiasm of a failed gameshow host.
Manhunt: The Search For America’s Most Gorgeous Male Model
The only international show on this otherwise patriotic list, Manhunt: The Search For America’s Most Gorgeous Male Model, aired in 2004 hoping to capture the success of America’s Next Top Model.
Spoilers: it didn’t.
After one eight-episode season, the Carmen Electra hosted show was gone, never to be discussed again… until a grown man with too much head noise started writing for Punkee.
Burned into my mind is a segment in episode one where former male model Bruce Hulse (who the contestants admit they’ve never heard of) eliminates four contestants we met just 10 minutes ago. Hulsey doesn’t seem to get that Tyra Banks pauses for dramatic tension as he lists the contestants like they’re groceries on a shopping list of bad ’00s hair cuts.
If you have remembered any of the shows on this humble list, please say so in the comments because sometimes remembering these shows makes me feel so alone.