Moira in Schitt's Creek

How To Live A Champagne Life On A Beer Budget

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Call us dramatic, but there’s literally no greater travesty than being a baller at heart, with zero of the funds to back it up.

In your mind you’re a kween, but in reality, you’re flat-out paying rent each month, your bank account’s a mess and, if we’re being honest, you’re on struggle street – big time.

Luckily, the need to be rich to live a boujee lifestyle couldn’t be further from the truth. There are endless ways to live the high life on zero budget, you’ve just got to get a little, uh, creative.

To kickstart your best life, here are five ways to live a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget.

Keep Cancelling On Your Uber Driver Until You Get Sent A Luxury Car

Ordering Uber X but copping an Uber Plus – some call it luck, we call it strategy.

You’re worth more than that Toyota Yaris on its way to pick you up, so just keep cancelling on drivers until something a little more glam rolls up your driveway.

Sure, your Uber rating will almost certainly plummet, but don’t let anyone treat you like a Nissan Pulsar – you’re Range Rover-worthy, baby girl.

Walk Around The Gucci Store Like You’re Tryna Buy Something

Trying to earn clout but don’t have the funds to back it up? The number one rule of pretending to be boujee is fitting in at all costs.

Would someone really be so sad as to stomp through a designer store if they weren’t planning to drop a bunch of coin on a dope outfit? Uhh, yeah, sure – of course not!

Try on some items, let the assistant know that $1800 throw blanket would look awesome in your foyer, then ask them to box up all your items. When it’s time to pay, say you need to go get your AMEX from your car then just leg it. Hop on the next bus and get out of there!

Cut The Chord Of Your Earphones So They Look Wireless

Wireless earphones can cost upwards of $300, but you can recreate the look with a pair of scissors and the half-broken pair at the bottom of your bag.

Snip those nasty chords off and voila! You’re a baller.

Sure, you mightn’t be able to hear any music through them and, OK, some people might clock the fact you’re sporting literal garbage in your ears, but you won’t even be able to understand what your haters are saying because guess what? You don’t speak broke.

Use A Milk Bottle To Make People Think You’re On Holidays

That time of year is approaching when all your mates are off making life-changing memories, travelling around Europe or exploring Asia while you’re trying not to get spaghetti Bolognese on your t-shirt.

Don’t let your bank account restrict you from killing your followers dead with Instagram envy – recreate the fantasy for $2.

Some genius discovered that if you hold a milk bottle in the sky at a certain angle and take a snap, it seems as though you’re looking out a plane window.

All that’s left to do is slap that baby on your Instagram story with the caption, “Mykonos here we come! #moneyisnoobject #richAF #livingmybestlife.”

If anyone slides into your DMs with even the slightest hint of suspicion, block and report them – you don’t need that negativity in your life.

Spray Paint Your Debit Card Gold

Want to flex on the supermarket staff but your credit score isn’t exactly platinum-worthy?

Take your regular old bank card, get some gold spray paint, and make that $2.75 in your spending account look so much more luxurious.

Just let anyone who questions its legitimacy know that jealousy is a disease and that you hope they get well soon. Delusion is sexy – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

(Lead image: CBC Television)

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