Charcuterie Has Gone Too Far, It’s Time To Bring Back The ’90s Cheeseboard
Before Sydney’s most recent lockdown hit, I spent 15 minutes making a rose out of thinly sliced salami.
I’d seen the trick on TikTok. Rounds of salami were draped over the edge of a wine glass, delicately forming a beautiful meat flower — the perfect cheeseboard centrepiece. After watching the tutorial no less than five times, I knew I needed to try it immediately.
That afternoon, my friends arrived at my place and within minutes the rose was destroyed, slowly becoming a picked-apart pile of processed meat once again. Sure, I’d taken and uploaded a photo of the rose and its surrounding spread of gooey soft cheese, gorgonzola, quince paste, green olives, nuts, and artisanal crackers — but was it really worth all the effort? Honestly, I just wasn’t sure.
That night, as I scraped melted bits of brie off my wooden cheeseboard and scooped olive pips into the bin, I found myself longing for the cheeseboards of yore — the ones that didn’t cost upwards of $50 to put together, and never involved floral arrangements made out of deli meat.
The Good Old Days: ’90s Cheeseboard Edition
Growing up, my family’s cheeseboards had a total of four core ingredients: cubed tasty cheese, thick slices of chunky cabanossi, French onion dip, and a selection of crackers, including but not limited to Jatz, Ritz, and whatever flavour Shapes took Mum’s fancy that day. When Kath & Kim’s Kath Day-Knight said, “Right now, what have I got cracker-wise? I’ve got your Jatz, your Ritz, your Clix…” — I felt that.
However, this is not to say that there isn’t room for experimentation when it comes to the delicacy that is the ’90s cheeseboard. While a terracotta pot of designer hummus or $6 pack of fig and black olive crackers would be a bridge too far, cocktail onions, twiggy sticks, and — if we really wanted to push the limits — a wedge of camembert cheese or block of crumbling Mersey Valley cheddar can all still meet the brief.
The Art Of Appreciating Simple Pleasures
The ’90s cheeseboard is not photogenic or particularly high-brow — but it is more than enough. So, next time you have friends over I implore you to save your money, give up on Googling French cheese names in Coles, and invest in a spread you know the people are going to love — because nothing tastes better than a fresh slice of nostalgia.