A Truly Savage Ranking Of The Best Choccy Milk In Australia
We can all agree that the true taste of an Australian summer is an ice-cold glass of chocolate milk.
It doesn’t matter if you’re still in school, or say, working for a youth publisher site called Punkee, everyone loves choccy milk. And I mean choccy milk, exclusively, so if there are any strawberry milk stans here, please show yourself the door and while you’re at it have a good, hard look at yourself.
Over the years, there’s been a handful of choccy milks released by brands. But which choccy milk is the best? I raided a servo station to pick up the main go-to flavoured milks to make a definitive ranking.
These are the chocolate milks I tried:
- Barista Bros, Iced Chocolate
- Big M, Double Chocolate
- Oak, Chocolate
- Up & Go, Choc Ice
- Nutriboost, Chocolate Boosted Milk Drink
Instead of pacing out the choccy milk like a normal, healthy person. I decided I would drink them all in one sitting.
Here was my diet for the day (it’s all about balance, you know):
Oh boy, did I feel sick after plowing through those bad bois.
I decided the criteria for my ranking would be based on: flavour (whether it tasted like choccy and/or tasted good), value (if it was cheap for the volume of choccy milk compared to competitors) and the aftertaste…which speaks for itself.
My Savage Ranking Of Chocolate Milk In Australia:
#5. Up & Go
Excuse me but wtaf is this shit? Where is the choccy??? Don’t come at me with this ‘Choc Ice’ nonsense, then give me this creamy flavourless liquid that does not resemble chocolate one measly bit!
Aside from the milk not tasting like choccy (AT ALL!!), it’s simply not sweet enough for my liking. Also, if I tasted this blind I would think it was vanilla. FUCK OFF VANILLA!! We all know that vanilla is the arch-nemesis of chocolate…err, other than strawberry. What can I say, we have a lot of enemies!
While I liked the thickness and the oat flavour, it needs a much bigger injection of choc in order to claim that ‘Choc Ice’ title.
Pros: I didn’t die after drinking it.
Cons: It didn’t taste like chocolate so it filled me with lies.
This was bad. Like, I get that this is supposed to be a healthier option with less sugar, but it just had no choccy flavour whatsoever. It tasted like sadness and left me confused.
It was VERY CREAMY but there wasn’t much else going on, plus the aftertaste was really weird. I’d say, it tastes a tiny bit more chocolately than Up & Go but they both majorly failed to win me over and imho, should be stripped of the colour brown from their packaging as it’s an obvious farce.
Pros: It is a healthy choccy milk option but I’d rather be unhealthy and happy tbh.
Cons: It gives choccy milk a bad name and we don’t need another reason for people to become a strawberry milk fan. *Shudders*
#3. Big M
Is there anything more true blue than a carton of Big M choccy milk? This flavoured milk owns a special place in my heart and the mere thought of it takes me back to my lunch order days.
But all these good feelings dissipated when I tasted it. Big M is NOT what I remember it to be. The chocolate flavour tastes so diluted. I get that there’s choccy down the bottom but after shaking that bottle like nobody’s business, the milk did not get any more flavoursome. WHAT’S THE TEA, BIG M? DOES BIG M STAND FOR BIG MISTAKE??
And the flavour itself was so artificial. Almost like the chocolate syrup you’d mix in a cafe’s milkshake; it might be called chocolate but it barely resembles it. On the upside, because the flavour wasn’t super intense, it was easy to drink and would pair nicely with a sausage roll.
Pros: The flavour wasn’t too intense.
Cons: It tasted artificial, plus the flavour was diluted and lacking punch.
Before this ranking, I was ready and willing to place Big M higher than Oak, but then I tasted Oak and oh, honey. Oak is good.
It was super flavourful and the chocolate tasted so damn delicious. I must not have had Oak in years because I thought it would taste the same as Big M – rather artificial and like chocolate syrup – but they are miles apart.
I will say it is VERY sweet, so might not be for everyone’s palate. But I’m a sweetie by nature, so I can chug that shit all day.
Pros: Yum. Delicious. I’ll have five more, please.
Cons: It is rather sweet but don’t hate the player, hate the game.
#1. Barista Bros
We have a winner. This is actually the first I tried and it was all downhill from here. Barista Bros choccy milk is nek level. It honestly tastes like a block of Cadbury squeezed inside a bottle of milk. It is very decadent but what else do you want in a chocolate milk? I ain’t playing around.
Don’t get it twisted, it is very intense and creamy. Take no prisoners, this is REALLY CHOCOLATEY CHOCCY MILK. I thought I’d feel sick after drinking the whole (very large) bottle but I am willing to make sacrifices for my job. In the end, I didn’t feel too bad. No regrets.
Pros: It is the perfect choccy milk.
Cons: I drank it all and then it was gone and my life became as empty as the bottle.
Thankfully, I have a lifetime of choccy milk chugging ahead of me.